Wednesday, September 5, 2012


I don't know where and who I am anymore. I'm not ready for love. I'm probably not going to be following through with my plans to move out now. I don't know where my life is going. I no longer have my eating disorder identity to rely on, or rather I don't have the desire to hold onto that label. I feel different towards Ed. I'm done with it.

But who am I now? I'm lost. I know God is like, "Hey, I'm over here. Are you going to come to me yet? I'm waiting." 

But God, living for you is so hard. You ask for so much, you ask for EVERYTHING. 

God says,"Well why won't you try? I ask for everything but I give you so much too. Things you would never find anywhere else. I'm worth it. I'm worth giving up everything."

I'm scared though God. I am so scared.

"I have not given you a spirit of fear or timidity, but of power, love and self discipline." 

You've spoken that verse into my life in so many ways.

"I know. I figure maybe one day you'll get."

The problem is fears keep popping up.

"You have to keep giving them to me."

I'll grow weary.

"I'll give you strength."

I'm not cut out for this. What if I give you everything and you completely destroy everything?

"That is not who I am. Come close. You will not regret it."

I know I won't, but the world will tell me I should regret it.

"When you choose me, the world will hate you because it hates me."

God, I'll try. I'll really try. How bout this. I'll give you the week. Every day I'll spend time with you. Every day I'll pray to you. I can do a week.

"That's a start."


  1. Love this<3
    Praying for you!!

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  3. That conversation you just had? Keep it up. Keep 'bathing' yourself in God's Word, and keep praying. God can handle whatever thoughts you have to throw at him, even if you're in turmoil and you want to yell. People did that in Psalms. They would ask God why He doesn't care or why He's so far away, only to find out later that he really was with them.
    As far as whatever "bad night" you had in your last entry...whatever is done is forgiven if you ask for it. We all mess up and we all have pain. This is another thing to maybe talk to the "Big guy upstairs" about.
    David was considered a man after God's own heart. David, however, made many mistakes himself. God will see what is in your heart. Put all your effort into God, and if you make a mistake, it will all be ok in the end.
    In my Bible study tonight, we were looking at a part in 1 Peter where it talks about all the trials in this life, and how when we continue to hang onto God we will come out better in the end. God will compensate us double what we had lost in our life.
    I SERIOUSLY suggest going through the DVD Bible study of 'Breaking Free' by Beth Moore. It's about breaking free from the things in our lives that inhibit us from being the Christians God wants us to be. These can be things like addiction or negative emotions that keep bottled up. These things in our life that hold us back can be considered 'idols' because they keep us from God. Please, please, please consider doing this Bible study. She is very Biblically accurate.

  4. You clearly know truth. Now you just have to believe it! It is so worth it to give God every part of you. It is scary, but it get's easier. He loves you and desires so much to hold you and walk with you intimately. Give it a shot for sure. You won't regret it.

    Praying the Lord would bless you infinitely as you seek Him. He never leaves, nor forsakes.


  5. Praying for you! Have you ever heard of the site it's very helpful for me.There's people who blog there what is being learned through recovery from E.D. maybe you could relate to some of the blog posts, I don't know. it's a christian site and very helpful to me. It's one of the best resources I have. When I feel overwhelmed, or like giving up.. that's where I hang out.

  6. Just found your blog today.. I sympathize so much with your struggles. I want meaning in my life and I know that only comes from God. But I'm not prepared to face my past, I'm not prepared to give up my ED, I'm not willing to let down the guard and show that I'm actually not ok. God asks for everything, I want to give Him that, but I can't. I have cried out so many times for Jesus to set me free, but I'm still suck. The devil has more hold on me than anyone else.

    I know the only way to freedom and happiness is through letting go and giving it all to God. But He is so silent, so very distant and silent. My ED is in my face screaming... so that's what I listen to.

  7. Thank you for sharing your story. You are beautiful. Never give up hope. Ever. Have faith because I believe in you <3

    1. This. ^

      So the progress hasn't been as quick or smooth as you'd like, but you've come lightyears.

  8. You are so brave and inspiring! I am still holding on to my ED because I don't know who I am without it and that terrifies me. However, I can feel myself growing increasingly tired of it. I have joined my local Church choir and I find that putting all my trust in God and singing his praise, as part of a group, makes me feel a sense of belonging, like I actually fit in somewhere, and I no longer need anorexia to keep me company. Keep fighting. Keep letting God win in your conversations with him. Life is waiting for you - go grab it!

  9. Have you read "Conversations with God" by Neale Donald Walsch? I'm not a religious nor a spiritual person, but that trilogy he wrote moved me. Your dialogue with God reminds me of his stye.

  10. I can relate to so much of this post...praying for you!!

  11. Hey Rae,

    I've just found your blog and I can relate so much
    I have anorexia/bulimia and am also a recovering heroin addict
    I've been to treatment countless times and I've all but given up hope
    I used to have a relationship with God and attended NA but even he feels so elusive now
    I love that you are fighting this cruel illness
    As a good friend once said to me, it's not a choice between anorexia and recovery, it's a choice between life and death

    Sending you hope, faith, courage and a hug x

  12. 'I no longer have my eating disorder identity to rely on."

    I'M so glad to hear you say that, I was worried about that for you. You are an amazing, bright and obviously have a great personality. I have been watching some of your videos and read your blog. I was worried for you because with the videos and blogs and the amount of time you spent talking about your eating disorder that it was so much in your consciousness that it would be very hard for you to give up that identity. Sometimes in your videos, you say "the phrase "my eating disorder" so many times, it felt like you really did have your identity tied up with it, like it is something that belongs to you.

    I am not criticizing you for it, it was just an observation, I am in the same place where it is such a big piece of me, it is very hard to let it go and not have it be part of my identity. I hope that you can do that, you deserve to be free of it.

  13. Love this! I've been watching your videos for a few months but never read your blog. I'm at
    I just started posting yesterday.