Remember that guy I went out with to coffee a bit ago? It’s a long story, but I shut down when Ryan tried to talk to me after that…he was still incredibly sweet which just killed me. My mom helped me figure out how to tell him I’m just plain scared of guys and I have issues. Yet again, he was way too kind. He said he can be patient because he thinks I’m worth it, or he can just disappear from my life if that’s what I really want. Seems we’re going to try and be friends. He deserves a chance. I can’t help but still feel scared though. We’re just going to be friends, nothing more. Yet I am afraid and have a strong urge to run away from the situation. He’s a nice guy. I think that’s part of what scares me.
The last guy I was very close with was Daniel. That didn’t turn out so well though. We were always together for what seemed like a long time but in reality was more like a couple months. Every minute was spent together, on walks, talking, watching movies, listening to music, reading, walking up the hill for picnics, stargazing. He was the only one who knew about my cutting and eating disorder. I trusted him with everything…no wonder everyone thought we were dating. There wasn’t any romance between us though. No one seemed to understand that.
But our trip to Scotland happened. I know he was dealing with his own crap- Sarah, his now wife, found out he cheated on her with a friend and they broke up. He was heartbroken and angry and shut me out. A few weeks after that, we stopped hanging out. Well, he stopped hanging out with me. It was hurtful.
I think the conclusion I came to but never voiced was he thought I was worth spending time with but then he discovered the truth- I’m not worth his time. I am worthless. He saw the real me and was disappointed. He changed after that. Daniel was part of the “cool” group. He acted so differently towards me. We still hung out occasionally. Had a dead poet’s society that snuck out and read poetry by a bonfire secluded not far from the lake. He was a big flirt. Ironically, he only acted like that towards me in particular long after we stopped being conjoined at the hip. He sat behind me in lectures and would tease me and mess with me during lectures like an annoying little boy. He also liked to hold hands. I wasn’t the only girl he’d hold hands with while talking, or hug, or be extremely affectionate…but it freaked me out. He never acted that way towards me before when we were together 24/7. It felt odd for him to flirt with me now.
After England, we skyped once or twice but it’s been three years since I’ve last seen him and I am nothing to him now. I still love him. Thinking about the time we spent together makes me sad because I can’t help but wonder what I did wrong, how I could have changed things…
There were three other guys in my life I was close with…maybe I’ll write about them sometime too. All of those friendships ended painfully. One I should have never trusted, another I should have never voiced a mutual romantic attraction in the fear of losing our friendship. The last…I wish I could have fulfilled his needs but I knew I was inadequate for the job. But oh how I wish I could have…
The common thread that ties them all together is their memories are painful and full of regret. I feel like all those relationships ended because they discovered the truth- I’m not what I appear to be, I am worthless and a disappointment. How can I really be surprised that I’m scared to begin another friendship with a guy, when the end of it seems inevitable and not to mention painful? When I’m just waiting for Ryan to discover I am not worth his time?