Monday, September 3, 2012

Guy Friendships

Remember that guy I went out with to coffee a bit ago? It’s a long story, but I shut down when Ryan tried to talk to me after that…he was still incredibly sweet which just killed me. My mom helped me figure out how to tell him I’m just plain scared of guys and I have issues. Yet again, he was way too kind. He said he can be patient because he thinks I’m worth it, or he can just disappear from my life if that’s what I really want. Seems we’re going to try and be friends. He deserves a chance. I can’t help but still feel scared though. We’re just going to be friends, nothing more. Yet I am afraid and have a strong urge to run away from the situation. He’s a nice guy. I think that’s part of what scares me. 

The last guy I was very close with was Daniel. That didn’t turn out so well though. We were always together for what seemed like a long time but in reality was more like a couple months. Every minute was spent together, on walks, talking, watching movies, listening to music, reading, walking up the hill for picnics, stargazing. He was the only one who knew about my cutting and eating disorder. I trusted him with everything…no wonder everyone thought we were dating. There wasn’t any romance between us though. No one seemed to understand that.

But our trip to Scotland happened.  I know he was dealing with his own crap- Sarah, his now wife, found out he cheated on her with a friend and they broke up. He was heartbroken and angry and shut me out.  A few weeks after that, we stopped hanging out. Well, he stopped hanging out with me. It was hurtful.

I think the conclusion I came to but never voiced was he thought I was worth spending time with but then he discovered the truth- I’m not worth his time. I am worthless. He saw the real me and was disappointed. He changed after that. Daniel was part of the “cool” group. He acted so differently towards me. We still hung out occasionally. Had a dead poet’s society that snuck out and read poetry by a bonfire secluded not far from the lake. He was a big flirt. Ironically, he only acted like that towards me in particular long after we stopped being conjoined at the hip.  He sat behind me in lectures and would tease me and mess with me during lectures like an annoying little boy. He also liked to hold hands. I wasn’t the only girl he’d hold hands with while talking, or hug, or be extremely affectionate…but it freaked me out. He never acted that way towards me before when we were together 24/7. It felt odd for him to flirt with me now.

After England, we skyped once or twice but it’s been three years since I’ve last seen him and I am nothing to him now. I still love him. Thinking about the time we spent together makes me sad because I can’t help but wonder what I did wrong, how I could have changed things…

There were three other guys in my life I was close with…maybe I’ll write about them sometime too. All of those friendships ended painfully. One I should have never trusted, another I should have never voiced a mutual romantic attraction in the fear of losing our friendship. The last…I wish I could have fulfilled his needs but I knew I was inadequate for the job. But oh how I wish I could have…

The common thread that ties them all together is their memories are painful and full of regret. I feel like all those relationships ended because they discovered the truth- I’m not what I appear to be, I am worthless and a disappointment. How can I really be surprised that I’m scared to begin another friendship with a guy, when the end of it seems inevitable and not to mention painful? When I’m just waiting for Ryan to discover I am not worth his time?


  1. You ARE worth his time!! My love you are nowhere near worthless at all! Your ED tells u that and we all know thats wrong. I totally get where you're coming from with past disappointments and pain-I've been there myself-but you can't let that rule your life. If you asked those guys why things fell apart I bet you they wouldn't even come close to it being about your worth. Things get in the way. Things and people change. It hurts! But people come into and sometimes leave our lives to teach us something that is going to help us grow into who we are meant to be and to prepare us for the right person.
    I know how hard it is to trust someone...I struggle with trusting anyone in my life my own family and my best friend even but even if we don't trust we still need to try. You never know what will happen or how a person may surprise you. Just be friends. It's easier and less pressure.
    Keep ur head up love. Talk. Ask for help. Everything. You know what to do. We are all here for you.
    I hope that makes sense I'm a little past exhaustion right now :/ all in all I mean to say that you ARE worthwhile, try to give it a chance you never know what will happen, and I'm here if u need anything.

  2. you are not worthless! no matter how much you think that, it's your ed talking and it's very wrong; you're definitely worth his time. please dont let the past rule your life and decisions, that isnt any way to live, although i know how easy it is to let it happen. i hope it works out ok, xo.

  3. I couldn't relate more.
    I had a best friend back in high school (secondary school in England) and we were never apart. It took me five years to realise that the feelings I had for him were more than just friendship. I became jealous when he spent time with others and thought he preferred to be with others. I thought I had let him down in some way, that I had suddenly become not enough for him. These feelings built up and up and eventually I snapped and initiated an argument over something ridiculous and petty. We haven't spoken for two years and I miss him terribly. At first I shut out the feelings with my eating disorder (I know this now in hindsight). I was hurt and sad that I had lost him and I shut him out. I didn't think I could be in his life with the way I felt and I decided to try and simply remove him from my life with the hope that the feelings and the hurt would stop. Ha, it didn't.
    I think what I felt for him was love. I realise it sounds frivolous and naive but I believe I was and still am. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget him or how he made me feel.
    I was with somebody else for eighteen months during the friendship. He was a great guy but something didn't quite feel right and I spent a long time trying to figure it out and we even had a brief break while I tried to sort my feelings out. I missed the friendship I had with that person and figured I missed him as a "boyfriend" but tose feelings were misplaced and, in the end, I realised we had only friendship between us. So we decided to split. Subconciously I was comparing my feelings for him with how I felt towards my best friend and I knew it wasn't enough.
    I'm sorry for rambling. I know how you're feeling. I haven't really got any advice or hopeful comments to give - I'm at the very beginning of treatment and the beginning of "un-numbing" years of feelings that I have bottled up somewhere in me.

    All the luck and love in the world.

    Hannah x's

  4. Gosh this was powerful, I understand this completely.

    I say it to myself so often: when he realises that I'm worthless, he'll see sense and leave.

    It sounds so concrete when I say it to myself. But when I read you saying it, it seems so wrong and impossible - and I don't even know you.

    So it must be wrong and impossible for me too.

    Most importantly, I know, completely, it is wrong and impossible for you, Rae, to be worthless and a disappointment. xxx

  5. Random pass-by commenting ;-) ... not really, watched your YouTube video - seen many of your YouTube videos, probably also read some of your blog bits before.

    "Remember that guy" - No, I don't. ;-) Probably didn't read/hear/see it, or forgot.

    "shut down when" - yeah, can understand that. Sometimes I rather to quite "shut down" too - depends upon circumstances, and other factors.

    "sweet" - "killed me" - well, sometimes that happens. The sweet can seem, or be fake/false - or anything but, and the closeness/intimacy - even purely platonic, can be scary - sometimes quite so - or you might not be ready for it, or ready for it "yet". "he was way too kind" - not necessarily so, but you may just have not been ready or up for that. There's not necessarily a "wrong" there - just is how it is (or was how it was then). And yes, you *are* worth it - but not all (potential) friends (or more) may know or figure that out - and some just won't be able to deal with it/you, and/or just plain won't "fit" or fit "well enough" - and often you'll never know what actually happened or went "wrong" - 'tis life, stuff happens, none of us has nor will get all the answers. So you're scared - suck it up and go on anyway. Part 'o life is often being scared and/or vulnerable - and much/most of the time it's worth dealing with and going through that. Just don't be stupid about it is all - what really are the risks? If the downside risks and their probability are tolerable and worth chancing it, and the upside worth it, then go for it.

    Ah, handy to have clueful parental unit(s) - such can vary a lot (one usually doesn't get to choose).

    Daniel ... don't beat yourself up over that one (or any other). You may *never* know why he *really* broke up with you. Regardless, sounds like he had his own sh*t quite going on, so it may well have been something to do with him, and nothing to do with you. Besides, even *if* someone tells you they broke up over you, or something to do with you - it's not necessarily true even then, as they might be using that as "excuse" or "blame" to cover for something else - who knows, maybe something they're too embarrassed or ashamed to tell you - or even anyone else. Hey, if he's doing stuff to you that freaks you out, tell him to back the f*ck off ... well, okay, you can tell him nicely ... but be clear and firm on it. Still love him? Well, sometimes that feeling goes on for a *long* time. It'll (probably) eventually fade (a lot) - or even go away entirely. Don't be wondering what *you* did wrong or blaming yourself. You may have done precisely *nothing* wrong. And even if you'd done precisely nothing wrong, it may have *still* ended just the same regardless.

    [continued - wee bit too long for 4,096 character limit]

  6. [continuing - wee bit too long for 4,096 character limit]

    Other guys ...

    "One I should have never trusted" - sh*t happens. So now you're wiser for it. Risk/benefit evaluation and tradeoff - now you'll know better, and better assess the situation (and person) earlier on, and in various circumstances and situations. "Of course" you'll still at least sometimes trust too much - or too little - but it's something you'll well refine over time - and experience.

    "should have never voiced a mutual romantic attraction" - Bull - if it's a friendship worth its salt, ought to be able to well say how you feel. That needn't necessarily *go* anywhere - not even anywhere *at all* (and especially if it ain't mutual), but ought to be able to at least quite say it and get it out there. "in the fear of" - well, *that* is a bit different - shouldn't be saying, or feeling "need" to say things "in (the) fear of" anything. Sounds like things may have been irrecoverably messed up before that point anyway - and I'm not implying by you, rather things were just *not* going to fit (well "enough"), so sounds like you tried a bit desperately to grab onto what couldn't be held onto anyway.

    "wish I could have fulfilled his needs but I knew I was inadequate" Hogwash, you are *not* inadequate. Whether or not you want to be fulfilling "his needs" is an entirely different question. Maybe it just wasn't a (good) "fit". Maybe "his needs" just were *not* appropriate for you. "wish I could have"? *Really*? Would it have *really* gone and worked out that well? If "his needs" are/were making you feel "inadequate", then quite sounds like "his needs" were not right for *you*. And would it have stopped there, or only gotten worse?

    Common thread ...

    Uh, more like, some good/excellent memories, but - didn't (yet) work out in the long(er) term. So, you remember and enjoy the good you had of it, try to (mostly) forget the bad (but don't forget the lessons/learning), and move on. Yet wiser, you (at least statistically) do increasingly better going forward. And none of that self-deprecating gunk. You're not worthless. None should be disappointed. Some/many just aren't worthy of you - so you go on and find better.