Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Sick and Down

I stayed home from work sick today with a sinus infection cold thingy. I tried to do some things around the house so I don't feel too lazy. After I cleaned my room, sheets, and laundry I took a nice hot bath. People underestimate the power of hot water+Bath and Body Works soap and lotion afterwords.

I still feel dirty. I can't clean away the guilt and self hatred I feel towards myself. I messed up at work on Monday- made multiple mistakes. I was training and not being as careful as I should have been. On top of that, I had to take today off and I feel bad for putting my coworkers one (wo)man down. All of this only confirms those fears I've been trying so hard to keep at bay.

I am a failure. I'm going to lose my job because I'm a failure. I'm not cut out for this job. I am fat. I am ugly. I am worthless.

Being home alone hasn't helped anything. I've not had much to distract me from these thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to stay positive, but when I'm sick and feeling horrible about myself, it's hard to believe in self affirmations.

I've been half wanting to make a video but can't seem to sit in front of a camera for long. All I end up doing is critiquing myself.

This last weekend was fun though. I hung out with Ryan a lot and my girlfriends too. Saw a kids musical production of Dr. Doolittle with my grandma and little cousins. Firstly, I hate talking animals. I always have hated talking animals. Cinderella was always my least favorite princess because she had way too many talking animals around her. I know, I sound horrible but it's the facts. Dr. Doolittle is ALL about talking animals and furthermore, THE MUSICAL WAS THREE HOURS LONG! Who in their right mind would have a kids play about talking animals last so long? I thought I was going to die. Six year old Maddie kept shaking me whenever I tried to fall asleep. She was very concerned that I didn't miss a minute of Dr. Doolittle.

Pure torture.

On a happier note, I GOT MY IPHONE 5! Woot woot :)


  1. Oh dearest, have a nice cuppa and treat yourself to kindness you do deserve it -don't let yourself trick you into thinking otherwise.
    Much love and peace to you xx

  2. I just went to a Junnior High Choir concert, I can empathize :P It was only an hour long but OH MY GAAAAWD! lol, I hope you start feeling better, both physically AND emothionally!

    Get Wellxx

  3. Hey there you are so right a hot shower and Bath and Body soaps and lotions can help you feel better and improve your mood. Sorry to hear you had ran into problems yesterday at work. You are NOT a failure you just started this job and you are in training. That is why they have training so you can learn.
    You are not fat or ugly. You are pretty and kind inside and out.
    BloodGutsNGlory@aol.com (screen name)