Bachelorette Party and Shower!

This weekend was my bachelorette party and bridal shower. The entirety of last week, I was filled with so much self hatred for my body. I was worried it would ruin a fun weekend with friends and family. It didn't. At least not in the moment. I was able to forget how I looked and just enjoy the present. Now I look at pictures that were taken, and am disgusted with my body. I have this fear too...What if I won't be able to lose the weight for my wedding? All I want to lose is five pounds. FIVE POUNDS. It's nothing. I used to be able to lose ten pounds with a snap of my fingers. I don't want to resort to eating disorder behavior though, and it seems so difficult, nay impossible, to lose weight the healthy way. The healthy way takes forever. I'm trying though. I am going to be more active this week, while also trying not to be TOO active. I'm excited to get married, despite the whole weight issue. 26 days! I can't believe it's almost here! Bachelorette party was friday beginning at 2pm. All my lovely bridesmaids met at my matron of honor's house (Andi). We got all dressed up, they wore black and I work a bright turqoise dress. We got a limo for the day and drank champagne will driving around for an hour. It was fun to have them all meet each other, and better yet, LIKE each other. We went to this place that did a private painting class- called Van Gogh and Merlot. How much better can painting get with a glass of Merlot in your hand? We all did surprisingly well, thank God we had a great teacher an a liberally abstract painting to reproduce! Afterwards, we had dinner and met up with some other friends along the way (which happened all night, since not everyone could be there for the whole affair). We went to this classy place called the Safari Room and had a yummy dinner. I had a spicy shrimp, mozzerella, and pesto flatbread. YUM!!!! :P Afterwards, we went to lookout pass to see the city lights. Then we played some fun games and just talked at Andi's house. I barely slept all night. My heart was racing and I had other problems that led to a panic attack in the middle of the night. Overall though, it was a blast! I have amazing friends!! The shower was just plain beautiful. I mean it- beautiful. I loved it. There was 65 people there, even though a bunch of people got a stomach bug. We had a morning brunch tea party, with tea cups, tea sandwiches, scones, and all. It was decorated perfectly and had all the detailed touches that make it so wonderful. People were very impressed and are still talking about it. I loved all the gifts I got and felt blessed. Anyways, I have pictures on my facebook. Maybe I'll post some here sometime??? Thank you all for your advice and support.They mean so much to me!

Olive Garden

I intend to keep this short. Bed is calling my name. It's been a busy day. Work was hectic and I didn't get half the things done I wanted to get done. I went straight from work to Ryan's house, changed, and helped him load a desk he is giving to my brother into his truck with my big man muscles.

We went straight from there to Olive Garden, meeting Ryan's mom and Grammie for dinner. I've been fretting over this all day. Should I get the low calorie soup- minestrone 100 cals? Or the soup I want- chicken and gnocchi 250 cals? A breadstick 150 cals? I ended up feeling guilty after I told Ryan what I had eaten for the day (400cals). We really were soooo busy at work, I barely had time to eat. Still...

I ended up having a whole fucking plate of angel hair pasta in ALFREDO sauce. I was only planning on having a little of it but I guess I really was hungry because I felt as though I couldn't stop myself. Cue purging. I didn't purge, mind you. But after I finished it, I regretted it instantly and everything in me wanted it OUT. I was no longer paying attention to the conversation. Instead, I was listing pros and cons in my head of purging. I'd break my nine month purge free streak...but I'd feel better in the moment...anyways, I decided not to purge mostly because I stalled myself long enough that I was finally able to convince myself I probably absorbed most the calories anyways.

In the end, I had a normal calorie amount (2000 calories). Just wish it wasn't mostly all in one sitting.

Now I'm all melancholy and hating myself. Eating disorders suck. They make simple things complicated. Part of me thrives on it. A bigger part of me is dying every time I give in to it. I want it but I hate it. I fight it, but embrace it.

Ryan always says I'm a conundrum. I'm all or nothing. Everything is black and white with me. Lately it's been more black than white though. Isn't this supposed to be the happiest time of my life? Aren't I supposed to be immersed in wedding planning and so fucking joyful, it makes people want to throw up? (haha no pun intended)

Body Hate

After a long absence from this blog, I am hesitant to return. Especially because I'm not in the greatest mind space at the moment.

This pressure has been building up inside of me, this growing hate for my body. In the past year, I've made leaps and bounds in my recovery. I haven't purged in over nine months. I have eaten quite normally. I've also gained 25 pounds. I've gained nearly 50 pounds from my lowest weight. As I've become more behavior free, I've slowly been adding on the pounds. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't think I should weigh this much. I hate my body right now.

Hate is a strong word but I mean it. I know logically I shouldn't hate it. But this pent up hatred is overwhelming. It consumes me. I try to ignore it and distract myself. I can't though. And I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want their comforting words because to me, it's all lies. I just want the weight gone. I want it gone NOW.

I realize what a dangerous place I'm in right now. I haven't acted on these thoughts and feelings yet. I've been holding back because honestly, I don't want my eating disorder in my life again. But something has got to give. I've got to do SOMETHING to relieve the pressure that's building up to unbearable levels.

I just don't know what to do though, besides the obvious giving into behaviors. I'm getting married in 35 days and I've got my bachelorette party and bridal shower in a week. There will be so much food involved in the upcoming celebrations, not only for my wedding, but for one of my bridesmaids that is also getting married. I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it. I want to drown my sorrows in I know not what. Something. Something, or I will break.