Sunday, January 23, 2011

Thoughts on Therapy at 4am

It's 4am and I've been wide awake for an hour or so now. I've finally caught up on video comments and messages, and to be honest I feel so blessed. Most people, including many of my friends, don't understand eating disorders which leads them to a) ignore it completely or b) say really stupid things. Both responses are quite frustrating and leave me feeling even more alone. I've found the YouTube community so supportive and I've made great friends that actually get it.

Even though I don't feel like I'm making any progress in recovery, I've actually learned so much from therapy. When I went into therapy for my ED at age 14, I had a great therapist who I loved and we still stay in contact. However, at the time I wasn't willing to open up to her. Whenever we would be getting past the walls I had built around myself, I would shut down. Thus, we never digged into the root of my ED.

This time around in therapy, I've been much more receptive and open to talking about things. I'm okay with crying now and talking about things I've never voiced. And you know what? I am AMAZED at what I've found out about myself. For me, my ED orginated in abuse, feeling misunderstood, and growing up with death always being a topic because of my sick brother.

Everyone is different and that's what's interesting about therapy. I think it would be fascinating to help people dig and learn about themselves, how they tick and why they tick the way they do. I now understand why so many recovered eating disordered people go into therapy or become nutritionists themselves. Once you've been helped, you want to help other people too.

Well, I have much more to say about this week, but I'll leave that for my next video I'll hopefully make tomorrow. I suppose attempt #3 at sleep might be beneficial. I hope you all are doing well. You're support means the world to me!


  1. the increase in your meds ( which I know u didn't mention here and I hope u don't mind me saying it...if u do just delete this comment ) def is contributing to the insomnia. CALL ME- you know I don't sleep hahaha. But, like I said before- it's serotonin overdose and it will even out soon and you'll be able to sleep. Try some advil PM or something, benadryl, it shouldn't make you drawsy bc the meds are keeping you awake, yano?

    and I've realized also about therapy juat how interesting people's stories can be so different but also SO INTERESTING. That's why I'm dead set on getting my PsyD.

    I also don't feel like I'm making too much progress ED wise- in fact I maybe going downhill but I just have the energy to fight it headstrong right now. I need to get out of my depressive rut and other things first or recovery just won't be possible...yano?

    I'm here for you rae
    :) LOVE YOU.

  2. I started watching your YouTube videos recently and want to tell you that you are a lovely, eloquent and thoughtful Lady.

    I have, in my past struggled with ED, and though it rears its ugly head sometimes, I'm mostly recovered. One thing that has helped me a lot is just to remember that body size/shape is, ultimately, not important.

    What is important is having a clear mind, filling your time with people who make you happy and treating your body with love and respect. I, like many other people, get sidetracked by my appearance and thoughts of self-loathing but I always try to step back and remember that it is necessary to treat myself with the utmost respect--feeding both my soul and my body. I will never reach a physical perfection. I know that and I'm ok with that.

    Just work on being ok with your flaws because, in truth, they are what make you beautiful.

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