It's 4am and I've been wide awake for an hour or so now. I've finally caught up on video comments and messages, and to be honest I feel so blessed. Most people, including many of my friends, don't understand eating disorders which leads them to a) ignore it completely or b) say really stupid things. Both responses are quite frustrating and leave me feeling even more alone. I've found the YouTube community so supportive and I've made great friends that actually get it.
Even though I don't feel like I'm making any progress in recovery, I've actually learned so much from therapy. When I went into therapy for my ED at age 14, I had a great therapist who I loved and we still stay in contact. However, at the time I wasn't willing to open up to her. Whenever we would be getting past the walls I had built around myself, I would shut down. Thus, we never digged into the root of my ED.
This time around in therapy, I've been much more receptive and open to talking about things. I'm okay with crying now and talking about things I've never voiced. And you know what? I am AMAZED at what I've found out about myself. For me, my ED orginated in abuse, feeling misunderstood, and growing up with death always being a topic because of my sick brother.
Everyone is different and that's what's interesting about therapy. I think it would be fascinating to help people dig and learn about themselves, how they tick and why they tick the way they do. I now understand why so many recovered eating disordered people go into therapy or become nutritionists themselves. Once you've been helped, you want to help other people too.
Well, I have much more to say about this week, but I'll leave that for my next video I'll hopefully make tomorrow. I suppose attempt #3 at sleep might be beneficial. I hope you all are doing well. You're support means the world to me!