Sunday, January 2, 2011

Opening Old Wounds

Eat purge eat purge...the cycle that never ends. Everytime I bend over the toilet I think to myself, "I don't want to do this." But I can't stop. Throat burning, head throbbing, and chest pounding, I'm a mess.

I wish people would stop offering me food. I don't need it, really. It's better this way, because if you give me food, yes I'll eat it but I'll throw it up too. I wish they'd just lock me up. I wish someone would save me from myself. I need an intervention because I'm killing myself and I don't want to.

I saw him this weekend...he was different towards me...distant and kind of mean. I wonder if he knows I finally told my parents what he did to me when we were teens. I have this illogical desire for him to like me and to treat me well. It hurts that he refuses to show me any form of affection, unless you can call mocking a form of affection. I wish it didn't hurt. I wish he'd just...say he was sorry for hurting me and taking control away from me, and love me like he should- like a cousin should. I hate it that he still has the power to hurt me.

I kind of want to cry.


  1. Oh babe- I'm sorry =(

    I have the same thoughts while standing above a toilet. I hate doing this- why am I doing it but I continue to do it... you're not alone in that feeling.

    I don't know the story about this guy but just know things change- you can get through this. if you ever need to talk- just message me on fb/youtube


    hang in there

  2. I know how you feel with the purging and also how you feel about this guy. How you want him to like you and what not. I feel the same way about the guy who raped me. I constantly crave his approval which is psycho and doesn't make any sense at all. I mean he is the one who hurt me time and time again why must I be the one to get his approval? Doesn't make any sense but its the way I feel.