Friday, January 28, 2011


There's been so many things I've been running from because they scare me. They're what I fear the most and what hurts the most. It's human nature to avoid pain, so you'd think it's only natural for me to run away from it. But just because it's human nature doesn't mean it's right, and maybe you run too far and end up in more pain than the pain you were originally avoiding.

Ok, enough of the philosophical ramblings. I mentioned in my last blog that I had a really good day of not purging, TWO days of no purging. And yeah, that was great and I'm proud of myself and all, but the two days following my miniature victory were a vomiting nightmare. Quite literally (though I highly doubt I needed to add that statement. You all aren't stupid).

I don't want to purge. I feel closer to death when I purge, which is one of those things I've been trying to avoid thinking about. Not trying to get all mystical on you guys, but I feel death every time I purge. Even when I don't purge, sometimes reality becomes both distant and distinct and I feel death reaching for me.

I don't feel ready to die. I still have things to do, my life to live. But if I've learned one life lesson, I've learned most people don't die when they're ready to die. Death hasn't always been a scary thought, but the thought of dying like this scares the shit out of me. Quite literally (yet again, I didn't need to add that. Blame it on my twisted and perverse humor).

I'm finishing a Vampire Academy book and I had FIVE PAGES to go, when my dad walks in to have a serious talk. Bad timing on his part, but I can't blame him for not knowing my heart was just shattered into a million pieces because Dimitri was turned into a Strigoi, an evil soul-less vampire, and now his true love has to kill him because he's better dead than a Strigoi.

He pretty much told me that he's freaking out because he can literally see me wasting away with every day that passes. He said he can't handle another one of his kids dying. He started to tear up which inevitably meant I began balling. My parents want to meet with my whole treatment team (three people- I feel like I made it sound like a dozen people were treating me or something) to find out what the deal is and where we go from here.

He said I have no margins left. I'm at a pivotal point and he can't just stand by because it affects my whole family.

Great. And I thought the day couldn't get any worse. Maybe all this sarcasm and dry humor is surfacing because I can't handle dealing with it seriously. The weight of it all is too much. I feel like the happiness of so many people rests on my shoulders and I can't bear it by myself. I think my Dad doesn't think I'm trying hard enough to get better, which makes me feel even worse because this IS me trying my hardest.

He's right. I AM dying. They say eating disorders are slow suicide. I, like probably everyone else, thought I was the one and only exception. I thought I could control it. Apparently not.

So here I am sitting in bed, salty tears dried on my face, and a very heavy heart filling my chest. I can't run from the pain anymore because it's cornered me. It's either death or facing the pain I'm not even sure what to name, and I don't want to die yet.

Please, someone tell me dealing with the pain will be worth it. Someone tell me everything will be okay. Because I'm not okay. Not at all.


  1. It -is- worth it. Don't worry about having bad days after the good ones, you know it's a bumpy road. Hell, I go through about a week of good days then have all the bad thoughts and actions bombard me for a couple. But you get back out of it. Learning is falling over, getting back up and trying again.

    For me, my family (or mainly my mother) was what got me started on recovery in the first place. I seriously thought there was nothing wrong with me, but I now realize how much there was. I realize what a horrible person this turns me into when it has a grip. You -know- recovering is your only choice. I know it's hard sweetie, I know you're trying, but you just have to keep going. It takes a long time, but it's worth it.

    When I'm finding it difficult, I often rely on the fact I hurt other people with my actions to stop them. My boydfriend always tells me we don't live for ourselves, we live for those around us. I don't mean to offend but, what would your brother think? =/ You said you understand what he must've felt, do you think he'd want you to be feeling it, too?

    You -can- do this Rae, you have people on whole other continents supporting you! And as to dealing with the pain, I have a quote stuck up on my wall that helps me when I question if it's worth it: "You're willing to endure the discomfort not because you want to, but because it gets between you and where you're going." In our case, the destination is a life without an ED.

  2. It WILL be ok, you posted on your YouTube video that your treatment team wanted you to go as inpatient.. is that an option at all?

    I hate when people call an E.D. 'slow suicide', mainly due to the fact I personally don't wake up and think 'I want to kill myself, Hey, maybe i'll not eat!" ... Although, I guess there is a point where all ED patients would rather die that go back to 30,40,50 pounds heavier that they are now!

    This is hell, but you can do it! I believe in you and so does everyone else who, over the internet, are suffering with you.

    This is hell - but believe in this - God HAS a plan for you - God will HELP you to recover! You are blessed with a supportive family, use them and get rid of this evil, we are rooting for you!


    the problem with recovery is that you want to get better but you can't. like. we'd all stop if we could. you could be much closer to death than you'd like to believe :( and that's fucking scary as hell. shit girlfriend. use your family and your treatment team (just because it's 3 people doesn't mean it's not legit) and figure out a plan of what you can do to start the uphill battle.

  4. Thanks you guys! You're so encouraging. And Leech, that quote you gave me on my prior post I've engrained into my mind. thank you thank you THANK YOU!

    @Emma- Yes, I've discussed it with them, and we are looking into it as a possibility.