I made poor choices. I thought I could ignore it. I thought I could pretend it never happened, but my body and God won't let me. For good reason.
I've been quite depressed the past two weeks. Starting my period a week ago explains a lot of it. I mean, if a person tends to be depressed already, having a period and all those crazy hormones really amplifies it. Some days it seemed unbearable. I was doing so well, being completely behavior free for four or five days at a time, maybe having behaviors for a day or two, and then another four or five days of no behaviors. I was proud of myself. This was a great victory. But with the whole PMS thing, I was thrown off my game. I've been having behaviors EVERY DAY. I started restricting again too.
So then there was yesterday. I binged and purged twice in the morning. Poor decision #1. I didn't take my meds. Poor decision #2. I literally drank no water yesterday except to purge. Poor decision #3. However, I did drink two cups of coffee and three glasses of wine. Really hydrating, I know. Poor decision #4.
I did have a GREAT time last night with my friends at Andi's house celebrating her birthday. I really did have a good time. It was the choices I made before and after that weren't so great. On my way home, I felt so full, it was distracting my driving. I pulled over into a nice neighborhood with manicured lawns and expensive cars in the driveways. I purged in one of these lawns, intending to at least find a bush. Sadly enough, some people are going to wake up today to find vomit in their front yard. Happy Father's Day. Yes, this is disgusting. Yes, I feel horrible about the whole thing. Bad decision #5.
I got home and felt weird. I knew it was time to do some damage control. I ate a banana and drank a glass of G2 and another glass of electrolyte water. Good decision #1. It was past midnight by the time I fell asleep. I woke up at 2am and knew something was wrong. I felt weird. Bad weird. I checked my heart rate and it was slow. Too slow. Two beats, a big pause, and two more beats. I panicked which always makes things worse. I felt so wrong, so wrong.
I don't know how many glasses of electrolyte water I've had throughout the night, maybe five or six. I just kept drinking water and calming myself as much as possible. My heart beat strengthened. A few times, my acid reflux was bad and I felt like it was crawling up my throat, choking me. I was too scared to fall asleep. It's 5am and I have church in a few hours. I still feel funny- dizzy, vibrating like I took too much seroquel (I didn't take any btw)....so so dizzy. I don't feel hungry at all but I'm going to go downstairs and eat something.
Why am I sharing all of this? Because I am scared. I want you all to know the REALITY of an eating disorder. The TRUTH. My blog is titled, "The Unglamorous World of Ed" for a reason. I won't be glamorizing eating disorders here, because there's nothing glamorous about it.
I need to get out of this rut. I need healing. I feel like I want to give up, like it'll never change, like I'm going to die from this Ed. BUT I REFUSE. I can't give up because God has so much planned for my life. I have things to do, people to love. Jesus, help me. I need your help. I NEED YOU.