Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I just want to be OK

Things got worse after I wrote my last blog in the wee hours of Sunday morning. I was feeling better by then, after sipping on gatorade all night and eating a couple bananas and PB. I had stomach cramps though so I went to the bathroom. TMI: It was as if I took 30 laxatives. I had horrible diarrhea and what hydration I had gained throughout the night I lost. After that, I was so dizzy I had to crawl. The world was spinning, my hands were cramping, heart was pounding, and I was shaking uncontrollably. My dad was heading out the door to get ready to preach, and he could tell something was wrong. VERY VERY WRONG. He made me drink 48oz of gatorade and eat a banana and PB. I scared my dad. Happy Father's Day. He got my mom out of bed and we called my dietician Viv. She said go to the ER immediately.
I didn't want to go to the ER. I don't have the money for it. When I got there though, it was the weirdest thing ever- no one was at the front desk and the only people in sight was a security guard and a woman vacuuming. I filled out the paperwork I found on the desk and waited. My courage was waning. Maybe this is a sign. I started feeling a bit better. I think the gatorade was kicking in. I called Viv and told her so and told her I don't want to pay for an ER visit. I convinced her an urgent care visit would suffice. In the end I didn't even do that. I should have, but I didn't. I drank more gatorade, coconut water, and electrolyte water all day long. My hands stopped cramping by noon. I was still dizzy for the rest of the day though. I know I was rolling the dice on this one. Things could have gone terribly wrong. I'm lucky.

I had a good session with my therapist Monique today. When I say good, I mean tears, snot, mascara running down my face kind of good. I had a breakthrough I'm not really ready to talk about yet. I'm just hoping that maybe things will change. Maybe this breakthrough will help me stop because I'm so sick and tired of it. I'm done. I am SO DONE.

As the lovely Ingrid sings, "I just want to be ok, be ok today."

I'm going to go treat my body with kindness now, even though that's exactly the opposite of what I want to do. I'm trying though, and that's got to count for something right?



  2. “Try not. Do or Do Not. There is no Try.” (Yoda.) –(I am quite a bit older than you, and I never know when I need to explain quotes from my era to people your age). It came to mind reading the last line of your entry (good to hear you are still with us).

    Time (on it’s own) does not make it go away. Vegan diet does not make it go away. I wonder if mindset is the key. That’s why I wonder if it is best to just “Do” recovery every new day. “Try” not, just do it. Easy, arduous, challenging, embarrassing, slow, whatever. You need kindness and patience now.

    If you have had an epiphany (sounds like it), then you should hold onto it EVEN if it means leaving the ED blogging world behind. You have a right to privacy and a right to recovery, and you DON’T have to explain yourself. Your body is young and remarkably resilient, but people do die, and they don’t always get much warning. Luck (or whatever people want to call it) probably has a significant role. Everyone who loves you just got lucky, and they probably aren’t aware of it.

  3. You can do this.

    I'm praying for you, and I hope you can find strength to battle this.

    Breakthroughs are good, they always give me hope. My latest one has been to realise that these disorders do premanent damage to try and cope with a temporary problem. There has to be other ways to deal with how we're feeling, rather than using food. I haven't found the solution yet, but recovery is a journey. I know that one day I'll make it through these dark times.

    Each day is a new day.

  4. omg.. that is just scary and i can only imagine so painful and uncomfortable to have gone through. so glad you're okay though. i appreciate hearing this though, as weird as it is to say, because it tells me i'm not the only person whose body reacts worse to the ed when at a weight that's not my lowest! i swear i felt better at my lowest than i do now, which is so discouraging. i guess it's because our bodies have already healed somewhat, so the shock of the ED is just that, more of a shock and less about pure survival. HANG IN THERE.

    1. My body is the same way; I have more medical complications now than I EVER had at my lowest weight. I think it's because of the years of cumulative damage though. It's much more sensitive to dehydration and malnutrition, and goes into crisis much more quickly. It takes very little (if any) weight loss to cause health problems; simply restricting for a few days will send my body into crisis. I hope things are getting better for you Rae and that your vacation goes well. You are SO strong and I hope you are giving yourself enough credit for how hard you are fighting.

  5. Hope things get better for you, thinking of you.

  6. Super cheesy, but there's a line in a Florence + The Machine..." "It's always darkest before the dawn..."

    Take care!!

  7. Really that sickness is a big problem. But always pray god is good. Juts keep on fighting with that eating disorder.

  8. I just wanted to let you know that I have been watching your you-tube videos religiously. I decided to comment on your blog because I can do so completely anonymously. I have had an eating disorder for 5+ years. Wow I have never said or told that to anyone. Mostly bulimic tendencies but I've also gone through times of restricting and I've had my share of low weights. I never really thought I had a problem until college when I became a psych major and started hearing about these disorders and realizing how many eating disorder "tendencies" I have. I also recently discovered that I have many anxiety disorders (OCD, social anxiety, etc.) so it's a bit overwhelming. No one knows about my eating disorder. How has no one known for 5 years? Well like I said it's mostly been bulimia so I haven't been at any extremely low weights. When I did restrict people began to notice but I just denied anything they said and hid my "behaviors." I've recently began feeling the effects of my eating disorder (so weird to say ed because I never have admitted that before). My teeth bare the damage of years of purging, my stomch is almost always in pain, I often feel the need to purge even if I haven't binged just because my body doesn't want to keep the food, and I am dizzy all the time. Most concerning is how weird my heart has been feeling lately. I don't even know how to describe it. I just wanted you to know how much I admire you and how strong I know you are because I don't know how I would ever be able to tell anyone. I relate to your videos so much and that scares me, but like you said in one video you didn't feel sick enough to need help and I don't either. I'd feel foolish to tell someone I've been at this for years and right now I'm not underweight at all. I don't even think my parents would believe me. I'm not one to talk about my problems with anyone else but I'm starting to wonder when this cycle will end. Watching your videos made me think of when it all started and I was shocked when I thought back and realized it had been 5 years. 5 years with no one knowing. 5 years of feeling so alone and stuck. 5 years of having 0 self-esteem and feeling like not a soul in the world would understand. What I mostly wanted to say though was how strong I think you are. You are so brave.

  9. Ok so I'm ^^^ that Anonymous person and I can't stop thinking about stuff. I was wondering if there was anyway to message you confidentially. I don't have a blog or anything but just thought I'd ask.