Before I begin, I apologize this will be a slightly ambien induced entry.
How have I been? Down. I hate my body. It bulges, bumps into things, my thighs seem glued together more often than not. My stomach is flabby. To further complicate matters, my doctor thought I should stop taking Minocycline, which is an antibiotic for skin breakouts. I've been on it for five years. So off it, I thought I was doing ok. Apparently not. This week my face has sprouted several new pimples, deep ones, colorful ones.
I feel hideous. My body is disgusting. My face is not attractive in the least. I hate myself. I've isolated. Stayed in my room instead of going to parties I'm supposed to be at. I feel guilty for not being there...but the fear of being seen like THIS, this ugliness? I can't. Not only that but these social events involve food and that's something I really should NOT be around.
My relationship with food is so fucked up. I don't know what to think about it really. I was doing better. I go five or six days with no behaviors, and then have a day or two of behaviors...but I saw this number on the scale this week. It's a number I've not seen in years. It's too much. I can't handle this number, being this number.
Answer to this dilemma? Restrict. Accidental binges. Purge. Repeat.
I don't want to go back to the cycle. I don't want it. But I do because it'll help a bit. It'll help me breathe again.
I'm truly drugged. Ignore this post as me on drugs is probably not a good idea when mixed with confusing thoughts