Friday, June 8, 2012

Drugged Rant

Before I begin, I apologize this will be a slightly ambien induced entry.

How have I been? Down. I hate my body. It bulges, bumps into things, my thighs seem glued together more often than not. My stomach is flabby. To further complicate matters, my doctor thought I should stop taking Minocycline, which is an antibiotic for skin breakouts. I've been on it for five years. So off it, I thought I was doing ok. Apparently not. This week my face has sprouted several new pimples, deep ones, colorful ones.

I feel hideous. My body is disgusting. My face is not attractive in the least. I hate myself. I've isolated. Stayed in my room instead of going to parties I'm supposed to be at. I feel guilty for not being there...but the fear of being seen like THIS, this ugliness? I can't. Not only that but these social events involve food and that's something I really should NOT be around.

My relationship with food is so fucked up. I don't know what to think about it really. I was doing better. I go five or six days with no behaviors, and then have a day or two of behaviors...but I saw this number on the scale this week. It's a number I've not seen in years. It's too much. I can't handle this number, being this number.

Answer to this dilemma? Restrict. Accidental binges. Purge. Repeat.

I don't want to go back to the cycle. I don't want it. But I do because it'll help a bit. It'll help me breathe again.

I'm truly drugged. Ignore this post as me on drugs is probably not a good idea when mixed with confusing thoughts


  1. I don't really know what to say, I just wanted to say something.
    I'm sorry. And, I get it. Totally.
    Stay strong. <3

  2. I totally understand, I feel the same way.

  3. Totally feeling what you're feeling. How hard does it have to be?! Eating disorders suck. It'd be nice for us to know how many times we have to get knocked down before we can permanently be 'up' again. Keep going - keep trying. You were so happy with your life a short while ago. Think back to then. Thinking of you x

  4. Stay strong <3 I know exactly how you're feeling... feeling too ugly to even show your face in public. We all know that is Ed talking!! No matter what, you ARE beautiful, as difficult as it may be to see sometimes. And as hard as it is to understand, I think we need to be reminded that we see something different than the rest of the world does. You are honestly such a gorgeous person through and through. Your story has given me so much strong to fight. Keep your chin up! I can totally relate to you right now, we gotta show Ed who's boss.
    <3 Thinking of you!!

  5. ah... :( i wish i had some good advice for you. i hope that you can tolerate this for now and ride it out, and not relapse.. i know relapse isn't a choice per se either, though.

    but oh how i can completely relate to this right now! i'm at a weight i have not seen in SIX (SIX!!!) years. and oh yes, i've literally bumped into things because i can't gauge my proportions and my self correctly..worst feeling ever.

  6. I understand what you mean about food being stressful at social events, food at social events can still be stressful for me but it has gotten better. I hope several years from now you can also say that it has gotten better. I know the number on the scale is stressful, but try to rememember it is healthier for you. Big hugs, I hope you feel better about things soon xoxox

  7. Hi I'm going through the same thing I am really scared and I want to talk to someone. i know how you feel

  8. I feel the exact same way, but I (luckily) don't have a scale and I don't know what weight I'm at. I can guess though... I get what you mean about running into things. Im not sure what bothers me so much about it, I haven't gotten That big, I guess we just feel like we have. Please ignore these thoughts. That's all you can do. That, and trust in the Lord. If He thinks you're okay, you must be, right?