Saturday, January 19, 2013

Gym Rats

I love Saturdays. I took an extra dose of seroquel last night and slept beautifully. I woke up still in a drugged fog but it felt wonderful to be relaxed and have the sun peaking through the shades while I'm snuggled up in my feather duvet. I ate my oatmeal with dried fruit, almonds and almond milk, and had my french press coffee. I did NOT want to get out of bed and go to the gym, where I feel like a complete failure.

But I did go. It took some motivation from the boyfriend and ten minutes looking through pinterest workout motivation posts. Apparently everyone else thought going to the gym at 11am was a good idea too. There weren't any treadmills available and my YMCA is new and HUGE. I messed around on the elliptical for a few minutes to get warmed and snagged a treadmill when someone finally gave theirs up.

On both sides of me were two gym rats. You know the type. The girl on my right doing all sorts of intervals at different speeds. The one on the left was running at an insane high speed and maintaining it until her time ran out. She stopped and caught her breath for a minute and restarted the treadmill for another sixty minutes at a break-a-neck speed. I know these girls because I used to be one of them. It's like a special club. You never speak to each other but give a knowing nod whenever your eyes happen to meet. I used to walk proudly at the gym like I owned the place. 

Now I keep my head down and eyes averted from everyone in close proximity. I am ashamed. My membership to the gym rat club has expired. I no longer belong with the elite. I'm just another lumpy, out of shape, commoner. 

I had these thoughts while I was running/walking and I almost went back to my car so I could go home and mope.

It's true. I'm no longer a gym rat. I am aiming for a life of balance that extends into my exercise regime. I will most likely never be a gym rat again because it's not healthy for me. I'm learning to be okay with it too. It's just not easy to let go of the title I used to be so proud of...


  1. I used to have that same membership.
    I still can't go back to the gym, I'm terrified that I will fall into that trap again.
    Good for you for going, just think how miserable the girls beside you must be.

  2. It's hard when you feel inferior, like everyone else is doing better or working harder than you are. But you know what the hardest thing is, sometimes? Putting yourself in that situation. Doing something like exercise because you know it's good for you, even while surrounding you are, as you call them, gym-rats, physical reminders of your past. Like you say in your post, it would have been easier to go home and well done you for sticking it out :)

  3. Hallo,

    darf ich dir das Forum "Real-Angels" vorstellen. Unser Himmel bietet einen Platz für Betroffene mit einer Essstörung oder einem gestörten Essverhalten, egal ob Adipositas, Bulimie, Binge-Eating, Magersucht oder ähnliches.

    Wir sehen die User nicht einfach nur als ein weiteres Mitglied im Forum, sondern uns geht es auch um den Menschen hinter dem Computer und vor allem hinter der Fassade. Wir versuchen im Forum eine harmonische und familiäre Atmosphäre zu schaffen und zu erhalten. Wir sind eine kleine Familie in einem kleinen geschützten Raum, in dem man endlich frei sein kann, wenn es die Realität nicht zulässt.

    Wenn wir jetzt dein Interesse geweckt haben, dann schau doch einfach mal bei uns vorbei. Du kannst dich gerne bei uns registrieren, wenn du min. 16 Jahre bist und eine Essstörung oder ein gestörtes Essverhalten hast. Wir freuen uns auf deine Registrierung und Vorstellung.

  4. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. You've been kicking ED in the balls lately- such an inspiration and motivation to do the same. Stay strong and keep it up!!! I know you're fighting a tough battle but I also know you can do it!!!


  5. Your honesty is beautiful. I remember what it feels like to have a healthy exercise routine. Before my ED, I was a swimmer. I was strong, and when I swam, I felt so in tune with myself. I did it for the right reasons, never for burning calories. Swimming made me feel free.

    When I lost my strength to my ED, swimming was no longer an option for me. When I did do it, my body was too tired and weak to gain any benefits from it.

    I can't wait to be strong again. I can't wait to swim again and feel powerful and free. It will not happen overnight, but I will get there.

    I hope that you find, in your return to the gym, that your body is stronger, more capable, and freer than it was before. I hope that you come to love the power and strength that you now have with health.

    You inspire me. Love.

  6. I also hate not being in the club anymore... but life is so much more than gym-gym-gym... Anne from Germany

  7. Wow you are so strong! Keep up the fight! Never give up and never back down!