Saturday, January 12, 2013

Working Out Or Starving

Hello again :) I've been thinking about this blog and wanting to write something on here for some time. There's certain things I cannot voice in my day-to-day life but I can say here, and those things have been building up lately. 

I have been doing great. I have a job I enjoy, I'm not living at home anymore but with friends and LOVING it, I have a boyfriend I adore- I couldn't ask for anyone better. I've been weight restored since November and maintaining. I purge less frequently- once or twice every two weeks or so (much better than 3-6 times per DAY)...

I am loving life. The only thing I'm unhappy about is my body. I hate it so much. My stomach extends into a lumpy roundish thing, my thighs touch, my sides hang over my jeans...I have a work party tonight and a dress that's ADORABLE, but all I can see is my imperfections- a body that does not do the dress justice.

I've been having an overwhelming amount of eating disordered thoughts I don't act on, but still they linger.

My only hope right now is starting to work out again on Monday. Maybe then I'll be okay with this body at this weight. However, I'm afraid of what happens if working out fails me. It'd be so easy to go back to my eating disorder behaviors. I'll have thoughts that say, "Just don't eat this week. You'll lose a few pounds and feel better." But I want to start working out and I've learned you can't do both. I need energy to work out. Running on fumes in not enjoyable and ASKING for trouble. I've done that before. I'm either eating and working out, or not eating and not working out. It's one or the other.

These are my honest thoughts, eating disordered they may be. Still, it feels nice to get them out somewhere. 


  1. I'm sorry dear, just remember you do have the power to overcome those types of thoughts. Try not to give in to those lies and temptations.
    You are so very strong and are doing great!
    Hope you see your beauty, all my love to you xx

  2. I would go with working out. As soon as I get back to school and get back to the gym, I'm going to start challenging myself with stuff and signing up for classes and doing things right. My goal is to do thirty days, then another thirty days, just taking it one month at a time. My January goal is no sweets except dark chocolate. If it's a piece of cake or ice cream or anything like that, I'm just going to stock up on dark chocolate to fight the cravings. It sounds like you're doing amazing. Congrats on living on your own and the bf and the job! All things right now I'm lacking, but hopefully there's something. Take care hon, much love.

    And the thoughts? Just listen to the rational side. Today, I was faced with pasta and breadsticks and Ana was determined to eat nothing but a small serving of salad. I took it slow and had a breadstick and a lasagna bite. You just have to say no.

  3. Dear Rae,
    I stumbled across your YouTube channel one day which led me to your blog and I have followed your story ever since. Your struggles have touched my heart so much and I pray for you often. When I found your vlog, I was looking for insight. My sister has suffered with anorexia for several years and I wanted to be able to understand and know how to talk with or not talk or whatever it is that she would need me to do. Hearing your story, there were some similarities between yours and my sister's struggles and things that have happened to both of you and you have been heavy on my heart for quite a while. I will continue to pray for you and am so happy for you and the progress you've made. Stay strong and know that your story is helping others(:

  4. You are such a strong and beautiful person. I love your videos and blog. They are so relatable and think you are so brave to be able to voice the struggles of eating disorders the way you do. I admire your confidence and honesty :)
    For the past few weeks I've been dealing with the same battle between working out and eating or just skipping the food and the gym altogether. I know how hard it is to choose the healthy route and I try to remember that engaging in "just one" eating disordered behavior will only make me more anxious and depressed.
    I'm rooting for you and I wish all the very best! :)

  5. Keep talking. We're with you and we care!

  6. I have been reading your blog and watched your videos for a long time and am very proud of you! You are on a very very good way! Walk on! I stopped the ED behavior (more or less) two years ago but am still struggeling with the hate-thoughts about my body. Still, I somehow manage to not go back to where I came from, despite the huge temptation and you are right- it is so much easier! But it is possible to have those ugly ugly feelings but still not act them out! If I can do it, you can do it! Stay strong, as hard as it is- every single day!
    PS: I am from Germany so please apologize my english. I hope you get the message! :)

  7. I am so happy you are recovering and not giving into all of those bad thoughts! (:

  8. Dear Rae,

    You see extremely hard on yourself. I have and still battle with an eating disorder that turned into obsessive running and exercise compulsion. Take a look at my blog. I put some tips on there that might be able to help you look past the imperfections. You are as perfect as your ever going to be. So love yourself.

    Keep up the good work! My blog btw is about how I am recovering from my ED.

  9. Hi...I came across your blog and story and it really resinated with me…. I wanted to reach out because I am a singer/songwriter and have a new song and music video I would like to share.. called “Fading Away”. I wrote this song because I have a couple of friends who have battled with depression and eating disorders. I was trying to convey my personal agony in dealing with this…and also the helplessness felt by friends and family when they watch their loved one fade away. It was recently nominated for “Video of The Year” by Limelight Magazine (see info below) If there is any chance you could use this for your page or blog…that would be amazing. I want to help spread the word and hopefully encourage others to get help early on.

    * if you like the video and my music please go to (Nominated for Video of The Year & Country Artist of The Year”)
    ….voting ends January 25th @ 11:45PM

    I hope my video helps people to understand the depth and severity of eating disorders and the toll it can take on a family.

    ~Ashley Jordan

  10. Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts, Rae. I think it is good that you created this blog so you can express your thoughts and voice out your concerns. I know that you are experiencing some difficulties right now. My advice is do not be afraid to seek help. There are people out there who are willing to help you and give you the support that you need, whether professionally or morally. Always remember that you are not alone.

  11. Some people starve themselves and workout. That's the worst idea ever.

  12. I have been recoverd/recovering from an eating disorder for over 5 years and I still battle these thoughts and feelings a lot. But each year it gets better and I am able to learn to love my body a little more. My boyfriend has been a great help. We have been dating for 2 1/2 years and he never stops saying I am beautiful.
    I also find blogging about eating disorders helps. :)