Friday, December 31, 2010

...a number.

I can't sleep. My doctor upped my dosage on ProZac so here's to another night of sleeplessness and incapability to staunch the flow of thoughts weaving in and out of a hyperactive mind.

My life revolves around a number. A number, at whatever cost, I have to reach. From the outside, it's rather a pathetic way to live ones life, but the truth is it works.Well...for awhile. It's a way to deal with the fear of feeling. It's a distraction, an excuse to not deal with your shit because the feelings surrounding it are too overwhelming to handle.

It's frustrating because while my friends are having all these great revelations about life, love, and compassion, I'm stuck thinking about a number. I guess the fact I'm thinking about that number testifies that I'm feeling emotions I don't know how to handle.

For instance, I just found out a friend from work has cancer. You'd think I'd feel SOMETHING, but I feel nothing at all. All there is, is a number. A homeless man who stinked like no other camped out at our Starbucks a few days ago. I know I should be feeling something, but I felt nothing but the presence of a number. Tomorrow, or I suppose later today, I'll be having dinner with a person who sexually abused me for years. I know I should be feeling something, but all I can think about is that damn number.

When there's only a number inside my head, I know there's feelings I don't want to deal with because focusing on weight and food are a coping mechanism so I don't HAVE to I don't have to feel the pain about my friend's cancer, or a homeless man's need, or being expected to have a pleasant meal with someone who has hurt me deeply. Because I know I feel something, somewhere inside me. But the focus on a number is keeping me from EXPERIENCING those feelings.

I think there's a misconception eating disordered people are shallow because everything is focused on appearance, but I would argue eating disordered people have abnormally intense feelings and are unable to cope with them in a healthy manner.

More than anything, I wish I could share with you revelations I've had from experiencing situations that have provoked intense feelings and thus, contemplations of a most complex order.

But for now I'm left with...


  1. babe- hangin there- you'll make it through and give the prozac upage a few more days to stabalize- it took me a few weeks but my doc also upped my seroquel and klonopin to help with it- maybe you can call ur doc about the insomnia.

    trust me- i understand the fixation on the damn fucking number... it determines how my day is going to be. great huh

    happy new year!!

  2. Hi! I've been watching your videos on Youtube and I just started reading your blog. I really agree with what you said about people with eating disorders having abnormally intense emotions- that's definately how it is for me. Before my ED- and now that I'm recovering- I react so intensely towards certain things and get stressed easily. But when you don't eat there is this hollow feeling in you, a hunger which starves you of the need to think about these things so you can function on the same (slightly superficial) level the rest of the world is on.
    I have a number too. I've never reached it, but I know I can, just not with my family standing by and scrutinizing my every move. I don't want to go back to my ED when I go to university, but I have a feeling that I might, or else I might never get that damned number out of my system...
    Good luck with everything. Take it all one day at a time :)
    (I have a blog too btw:
    have a look if you want!)