I can't sleep. My doctor upped my dosage on ProZac so here's to another night of sleeplessness and incapability to staunch the flow of thoughts weaving in and out of a hyperactive mind.
My life revolves around a number. A number, at whatever cost, I have to reach. From the outside, it's rather a pathetic way to live ones life, but the truth is it works.Well...for awhile. It's a way to deal with the fear of feeling. It's a distraction, an excuse to not deal with your shit because the feelings surrounding it are too overwhelming to handle.
It's frustrating because while my friends are having all these great revelations about life, love, and compassion, I'm stuck thinking about a number. I guess the fact I'm thinking about that number testifies that I'm feeling emotions I don't know how to handle.
For instance, I just found out a friend from work has cancer. You'd think I'd feel SOMETHING, but I feel nothing at all. All there is, is a number. A homeless man who stinked like no other camped out at our Starbucks a few days ago. I know I should be feeling something, but I felt nothing but the presence of a number. Tomorrow, or I suppose later today, I'll be having dinner with a person who sexually abused me for years. I know I should be feeling something, but all I can think about is that damn number.
When there's only a number inside my head, I know there's feelings I don't want to deal with because focusing on weight and food are a coping mechanism so I don't HAVE to feel...so I don't have to feel the pain about my friend's cancer, or a homeless man's need, or being expected to have a pleasant meal with someone who has hurt me deeply. Because I know I feel something, somewhere inside me. But the focus on a number is keeping me from EXPERIENCING those feelings.
I think there's a misconception eating disordered people are shallow because everything is focused on appearance, but I would argue eating disordered people have abnormally intense feelings and are unable to cope with them in a healthy manner.
More than anything, I wish I could share with you revelations I've had from experiencing situations that have provoked intense feelings and thus, contemplations of a most complex order.
But for now I'm left with...