I don't really want to talk about it, simply recognize it happened and it sucked. However, I had the nicest cop ever. He didn't give me the ticket I deserved, which would have been much more expensive. Before he left, he told me this doesn't mean I'm a bad person, I just made a mistake. I did really well with it all until he said that- then the tears started flowing. It took a good 30 minutes for them to stop.
What can I say, life happens. After my blissful weekend, life is really raining on my parade. My grandpa's dementia is getting really bad. It's so hard to watch this great, wonderful man lose his mind. Ryan didn't get a job he wanted in town and there's just so many uncertainties, it's hard not to live in fear.
I also couldn't exercise Monday and Tuesday. I fell down icy stairs Friday and it really messed with my back. I felt like I had a pinched nerve or something and it was really bothering me. I was surprised by how much I freaked out by not being about to exercise. It was a wakeup call for sure...I need to watch myself and make sure I don't become addicted to exercise again. I worked out today and am feeling much better about myself, though I don't think the problem was ever really addressed.
I'm also getting SUPER SUPER burnt out on my food. I've been eating the same thing everyday for the past few months. The thought of another potato for dinner makes me feel nauseous. So I'm switching it up starting Monday! Ryan asked me why I can't just start now. I told him I needed to finish the food I have now. True, most of what I eat isn't going to go bad for awhile. I realized though I have a problem with having more than one food option per meal in the house. It's easier for me to have just enough food and every meal to be predictable. It eases the anxiety of it all. This realization only surprised me because I didn't know I still struggled with it. I mean, I'm in recovery but apparently I'm not "recovered" yet. I still have food issues, even though I am not bingeing or purging or restricting. I wonder if I'll ever be recovered???
I was thinking about posting what I've been eating on a daily basis for the past few months and what I plan to switch to as of Monday. Let me know if you guys are interested and I'll make the post tonight!
I am sorry to hear about your grandpa and the issues you are going through. Is your back feeling better? Falling down stairs is the worst. >.< I am definitely interesting in what your meals have/will be like! I have gotten bored of my foods to which is causing me to struggle a lot.
ReplyDeleteHope you are doing better! Keep your chin up :) Everything always works itself out in the end no matter how many bad things can pile up. <3
I'm so sorry to hear about all the obstacles and struggles you've been going through lately. I really hope things turn around for you soon :) I've been in the same rut with eating the same foods because it eases anxiety. I'd be interested to read your post on what your meals have been and what you plan to eat in the future! I believe in you and I think you are such a strong and beautiful person! I wish you all the best :)
ReplyDeleteI haven't exercised in a long time. I think that I am scared to; incase I become addicted again [even though my therapist told me before I got discharged from OP that exercise in moderation is completely fine for me]. Because I do pretty much have an addictive personality.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your back lovely and everything else that is happening right now. I am in the same place you are lovely; even though I am on the road to recovery an have been discharged; internally I have many battles and wonder if I will ever overcome them.
Love, Sam xo.
Keep on fighting! Your such an amazing person! I would be interested to see a video on that, but i love your videos regardless Xx Much love
ReplyDeleteI (your reader from Germany again) am so happy you made it through this (and the past thirty days!!!) with tears instead of behaviors!!! You are wonderful, keep on fighting!
ReplyDelete(PS: I am in recovery for two years - my anniversary is Feb 1st and it is still a fight. But one that´s worth fighting for!And by the way, I also finally managed to keep a realtionship with a man for more than a year and will marry him soon!! I had almost stopped believing in that with all my anxieties and selfhate but I love him and he helps me every single day.)
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ReplyDeleteI wonder the same thing. Even if I'm recovered from active behaviors, I don't think I'll ever think normally. I'll never stop thinking about it. I'll never not have to talk myself out of it.....
ReplyDeleteIt is no secret that I have a very deep and personal relationship with God. I have pushed and resisted that relationship this past year through all the bullshit I have had to go through living with Herpes but once again, God is bigger than my stubbornness and broke through that outbreak cold sore and all I had Genital Herpes. For me personally, hearing over and over how I am not good enough has really invaded my mind in the worst way possible. I completely shut down and I was just waking up like is this how life going to end this temporary herpes outbreak “fuck everybody with herpes if you know what I mean” but let's be honest here...
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