Brunch

Finally I'm home! I had a lovely time with Rissa today, with maybe one downer. We had brunch (aka breakfast/lunch/dinner) at the Davenport before we checked out. It's pretty expensive but you can go around and pick out all sorts of delicious things, plus you get bottomless mimosas and champaign! Can't beat that ;) However, I did NOT know it was buffet style (eat all you can). I don't know if I was really ready for that...

At first I was fine. I picked out the things I wanted to eat- these sweet potato tartlets, eggs benedict, a berry crepe, and fruit. But I was incredibly hungry since we didn't have brunch till 12:15pm. I kept trying other things because it all looked so good- a danish and pumpkin cheesecake...I suppose that's all I had the first go around and I should have been fine with it. I mean, yes it was a lot of food, but for breakfast/lunch, it wasn't a full out binge- the amount I ate was socially acceptable...

...but there was this middle-aged man watching us eat. I would feel someone's eyes on me, turn around and he'd be smiling at me. It kept happening throughout the meal- Rissa and I got the feeling he's a divorced man and was interested in us in a slightly creepy way. When he got up with his (son?) to leave, he stopped at our table and said, "I couldn't help but notice you girls are eating A LOT of food. I can't believe how much your eating." Rissa and I didn't know how to react so we just laughed and he left. We seriously hadn't eaten as much as other people around us, though we had been getting up a lot to go grab something else to try instead of making one big trip. Rissa is petite and maybe he considered me smallish too...maybe he didn't expect girls our size to eat so well? 

I HAVE NO IDEA but it bugged me. I mean, rich girls who frequent expensive hotels like the one we were at probably nibble on this and that. Rissa and I definitely WERE NOT NIBBLING. ANYWAYS, I ended up feeling so guilty, I excused myself to use the bathroom (purge). I came back and was going to try to stick to eating safe foods but then I was like, fuck it, I don't care anymore. So I ate A BUNCH- more sweet potato, eggs benedict, and four muffins. If I stuck to one or two muffins I think I could have kept it all, but the third and fourth were definitely in "binge-mode" for me.

I felt horrible for not keeping my food. I mean, I should be stronger than this, right? Why can't I be NORMAL. Rissa ate as much as I did, if not more, and kept all of it. Why couldn't I do that? Even if I ate too much, it's okay every now and then right? 

When I'm doing better in recovery, I would LOVE to go back and have their sunday brunch again and KEEP it. Another goal! I came home afterwards and ate food AND KEPT IT. I wanted to go on a walk because it's BEAUTIFUL and sunny outside today, but my feet hurt so bad from dancing all night in high heels. So I ended up watching Chopped on the food network and just chilling on the couch. Here's some pics from today! I hope you guys aren't too disappointed in me.

                     Rissa putting on her make-up :)                The view outside our window- my city!

                          I love my owl earrings!                         Not too bad of an outfit?

                     pretty flowers and pretty Rissy!                         

                 Keeping a brave face :/

                                                  The Lobby in The Davenport Hotel

Crossroads

There's been so many things I've been running from because they scare me. They're what I fear the most and what hurts the most. It's human nature to avoid pain, so you'd think it's only natural for me to run away from it. But just because it's human nature doesn't mean it's right, and maybe you run too far and end up in more pain than the pain you were originally avoiding.

Ok, enough of the philosophical ramblings. I mentioned in my last blog that I had a really good day of not purging, TWO days of no purging. And yeah, that was great and I'm proud of myself and all, but the two days following my miniature victory were a vomiting nightmare. Quite literally (though I highly doubt I needed to add that statement. You all aren't stupid).

I don't want to purge. I feel closer to death when I purge, which is one of those things I've been trying to avoid thinking about. Not trying to get all mystical on you guys, but I feel death every time I purge. Even when I don't purge, sometimes reality becomes both distant and distinct and I feel death reaching for me.

I don't feel ready to die. I still have things to do, my life to live. But if I've learned one life lesson, I've learned most people don't die when they're ready to die. Death hasn't always been a scary thought, but the thought of dying like this scares the shit out of me. Quite literally (yet again, I didn't need to add that. Blame it on my twisted and perverse humor).

I'm finishing a Vampire Academy book and I had FIVE PAGES to go, when my dad walks in to have a serious talk. Bad timing on his part, but I can't blame him for not knowing my heart was just shattered into a million pieces because Dimitri was turned into a Strigoi, an evil soul-less vampire, and now his true love has to kill him because he's better dead than a Strigoi.

He pretty much told me that he's freaking out because he can literally see me wasting away with every day that passes. He said he can't handle another one of his kids dying. He started to tear up which inevitably meant I began balling. My parents want to meet with my whole treatment team (three people- I feel like I made it sound like a dozen people were treating me or something) to find out what the deal is and where we go from here.

He said I have no margins left. I'm at a pivotal point and he can't just stand by because it affects my whole family.

Great. And I thought the day couldn't get any worse. Maybe all this sarcasm and dry humor is surfacing because I can't handle dealing with it seriously. The weight of it all is too much. I feel like the happiness of so many people rests on my shoulders and I can't bear it by myself. I think my Dad doesn't think I'm trying hard enough to get better, which makes me feel even worse because this IS me trying my hardest.

He's right. I AM dying. They say eating disorders are slow suicide. I, like probably everyone else, thought I was the one and only exception. I thought I could control it. Apparently not.

So here I am sitting in bed, salty tears dried on my face, and a very heavy heart filling my chest. I can't run from the pain anymore because it's cornered me. It's either death or facing the pain I'm not even sure what to name, and I don't want to die yet.

Please, someone tell me dealing with the pain will be worth it. Someone tell me everything will be okay. Because I'm not okay. Not at all.

A Little Sunshine

FINALLY I have something cheerful to write about. I didn't binge or purge at all yesterday. First day being b/p free in at least a month! It was incredibly difficult and I came close to bingeing a few times, but somehow I made it through. I think it helped to have friends who were trying not to b/p and were successful as well. We kind of kept each other accountable, and this time it really worked.

I have yet to b/p today. But to be honest, I'm incredibly tempted. Partially because chocolate chip pancakes are sounding pretty delicious right now, and also because I'm home alone which makes it that much easier since there's no here to question my odd behaviour.

Hence, this blog. I'm doing anything to distract myself.

I had a doctor's appointment today and I suppose it went alright. Though my weight is at my lowest, my bloodwork was okay so that was a relief. He had me do an EKG. I had to put on one of those hospital gowns backwards and I felt irrationally promiscuous with it gaping open, revealing my pierced navel. What was even more embarrassing was the fact I had cuts all over the right side of my stomach and ribs. It was the outcome of feeling horrible after an insane b/p and was slightly ambien-induced. Note to self: Take ambien and go to bed IMMEDIATELY. Otherwise, hallucination will occur.

Anyways, the women doing my EKG was really professional and didn't ask any questions of the cuts or stare at them. I felt awkward enough being so naked in front of another person.

Well, I really can't get my mind off of those chocolate chip pancakes so I'm going to go read at Borders for a bit. I can't believe there's people out there who thinks this recovering thing is easy. It's not, and it pisses me off when people say, "Just eat." They say ignorance is bliss. I say it's just plain stupidity.