Friday, May 25, 2012

Body Hate

The last few days have been a challenge for me. I've been filled with so much self-hatred for my body. I just hate the way I look right now. Too heavy too heavy. These are the thoughts running through my head. It's difficult to not drown in them. The only thing keeping me from sinking to the bottom is the small voice telling me going back to ed isn't worth it.

My parents don't know how to support me right now. My mom knows something is wrong, even though I haven't said much of anything. Today she said she wishes she could make things easier for me. Me too.

Part of my struggle is seeing a number I never even saw after I had been at Remuda for three months. I haven't seen this number for two years. I was at this weight when my parents noticed my relapse and intervened, and made me see my doctor and a therapist. So many memories from that Ed was working for me at that time. I didn't think it was a bad thing at the time. The negative side of the eating disorder seemed manageable and the gain seemed worth it. I wanted my Ed then. It worked for me.

I feel unhappy. Recovery seems miserable. My eating disorder IS miserable. I suppose it feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.


  1. Hey, I know exactly where you're at. I am also at that awkward stage of recovery where nothing seems like it is worth it. I have have faith, though, that if I keep on pushing for recovery then things will improve.

    Have you tried having a conversation with your parents regarding how they can best support you?

  2. Have you thought about giving up the scale?
    I threw mine out over a year ago and its the best thing i ever out patient recovery and its damn hard fighting what you don't know if its your head thinking you are bigger than you are or you are actually gaining but i think the not measuring my daily happiness or success in recovery by a number is so worth it. Now i go by my clothes and i have to use awareness and common sense and ask am i really gaining or is it a reaction to something i have eaten that has made me feel bloated or an unhealthy food choice that has made me 'feel' fat?
    I hope you are able to feel your worth and persevere through it...Recovery is only miserable while your body and mind restores itself...i have faith in you..and i that when this happens theres an amazing life to live, in peace...without ed being on our friends list :)

  3. Get rid of the scale! I know it's hard and you probably feel like you need it, but let it go! Your treatment team will monitor your weight for health reasons, you don't need to monitor it to determine your worth because you are and always will be so much more than any number! I understand that there can be a sense of safety and comfort in knowing the number, but it is just another way of holding onto your miserable eating disorder.

  4. At the time, you may have thought it was worth becoming friends with Ed, but through this recovery you have realized it's NOT worth it. Look at all you've been able to accomplish during your recovery. You have grown so much as a person and you're getting stronger every day. Giving up your personal growth is not worth succumbing to Ed's desires.
    I may be way off, but it seems like you're associating your current weight with the weight you had when you started relapsing, and maybe there's something you need to deal with that goes back to that time. Maybe the recovery process you're going through now is strengthening you to deal with what actually caused the relapse.
    I hope you can get through this and keep your thoughts straight. I know it's hard.
    God bless

  5. I agree with the wise words of what minnie has said above.
    Not weighing yourself is a great goal to strive for, but I understand if that's just not in the realm of possibility for you now.. I haven't been able to give it up either, though I would like to one day.

    You have my empathy because I can relate to the body-image causing a lot of distress and being at a higher weight than you have been in years. That's me right now, so I completely get it. :/ Just know that others understand helps me...

    And remember, as bad as you feel, you don't look anywhere nearly as bad as that to others.