The last few days have been a challenge for me. I've been filled with so much self-hatred for my body. I just hate the way I look right now. Too heavy too heavy. These are the thoughts running through my head. It's difficult to not drown in them. The only thing keeping me from sinking to the bottom is the small voice telling me going back to ed isn't worth it.
My parents don't know how to support me right now. My mom knows something is wrong, even though I haven't said much of anything. Today she said she wishes she could make things easier for me. Me too.
Part of my struggle is seeing a number I never even saw after I had been at Remuda for three months. I haven't seen this number for two years. I was at this weight when my parents noticed my relapse and intervened, and made me see my doctor and a therapist. So many memories from that time...my Ed was working for me at that time. I didn't think it was a bad thing at the time. The negative side of the eating disorder seemed manageable and the gain seemed worth it. I wanted my Ed then. It worked for me.
I feel unhappy. Recovery seems miserable. My eating disorder IS miserable. I suppose it feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.