I'm sorry I haven't been around much. Things have been difficult for me lately. I had a really tough week for so many reasons. Family drama I can't really go into detail about has made things at home rather tense. Then, I slept through FOUR ALARMS and was late for my opening shift, in which I'm the only person there who knows how to do my job! The girl who had my position previously was fired because she kept not showing up and sleeping in for her early morning shift. I got in trouble with my boss which felt like the world was ending. I hate getting in trouble. I also found out about some rumors going on about me, about me being late for my Thursday shifts and showing up at 9am instead of 8:30am. This really pissed me off. I looked at the time clock for the past TWO MONTHS and was almost always a few minutes early on Thursdays, except two occasions in which I arrived at 8:31am. Really. One minute late. NOT A HALF HOUR.
Then I was on my way to the gym after getting off of work early on Thursday, when I got into a car accident. It wasn't anything terrible but it really shook me up. It was my fault too. Thankfully no one was hurt. My neck has been sore and I think I had a mild concussion (I banged my head on the steering wheel and earlier that day when I ran into a door at running speed...yep). I went to the gym anyway and thought I was ok to work out, but my head was hurting so bad and my chest was hurting, probably from the anxiety. I checked my pulse and my heart was skipping beats, which isn't good. I was SO ANGRY I didn't get to work out!
My eating disorder has gotten out of hand recently too. I've been purging multiple times a day. I've been good about replacing those calories and I haven't really lost weight, but this purging is a big problem. I just want to be done with this eating disorder so I can move on. At the same time, there's so many things I need to do that every responsible adult must do, that I feel overwhelmed. I feel as though I can't do it. It's too much. Cue eating disorder.
So I'm doing another three day no behaviors goal before I can run again. It's good motivation for me and I really shouldn't be exercising so much when I'm purging so frequently. Today is day one and let me tell you, the first few days of using no ED behavior is like coming off of drugs. It's miserable. I hate my body. Ed is so loud in my head, I can barely distinguish my voice from his voice. I just have to get through these first few days and then it gets easier. I have to believe that, because if I don't I think I might go crazy. Maybe you think I'm joking, but I'm not. Recovering from an eating disorder is not easy. People who have been through this don't get enough credit. I applaud all those who have gone before me on the road of recovery, are on it now, or are gaining the courage to begin the long trek. It's a worthwhile fight.
So please think of me these next few days. It's going to be hard. And most definitely, not a walk in the park.