Thursday, May 10, 2012

Time Goes Away

I had the day off so I took full advantage of the free time. I slept in a bit, had a really great workout at the gym, cleaned the kitchen, did several loads of laundry, watched a documentary (Forks Over Knives which I strongly recommend!)...Too much time spent in the house though. I needed to get out. Former coworkers at Starbucks have been on me for not coming in to visit in a long time, so I grabbed my laptop and thought I'd hang out at my old place of employment for a bit. Of course, out of five people working I only knew one person, and not very well. Still, I got an iced venti passion tea and pulled out my laptop to find myself here.

I've been in such a reflective mood lately. Yesterday marked one year from when I was admitted at Remuda Ranch for anorexia. I can't explain the feelings I felt yesterday when I realized it had been a year to the day...anxious for some reason. It's not that I miss being sick, I don't. I looked through old pictures and no...I don't miss it. 

But I do miss the people I met down in treatment. I miss the safety, the separation from real life, the break from reality. I miss the bubble, because real life is scary and hard and unpredictable. I cherish the three months I had down in Arizona because I grew as a person. I learned things about myself I didn't know before. I made friends I love so deeply, it hurts. I try to explain to my friends and the people I love what it was like down in treatment, but they don't get it. They don't understand what a profound impact it had on me. Or maybe they see it, but they just can't feel it with me.

Even being in my old Starbucks, with strangers working a bar I took care of and feels strange. This is not my home anymore. Neither is Arizona. I don't belong in either place. I suppose I'm in mourning of a time in my life I'll never experience again. a strange strange thing.

Reminds me of a beautiful song by Rosie Thomas. I listened to it often before my sister got married. When I listened to this song, I was mourning the loss of my sister. Yes, she wasn't leaving this world, but she was leaving my world. I felt as though the foundation of the earth was torn beneath me when she married. I suppose that sounds a little dramatic but it's how I felt at the time. 

I suppose this all reminds me to cherish the past, be optimistic for the future, and live in the present...because we will never LIVE it again.

How do we make these moments last?
How do we get them to stay? 
When everything passes and time goes away

Time Goes Away by Rosie Thomas


  1. The song is STUNNINGLY beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Leaving moments and times behind hurts. However, a year has gone by and you've grown so much. You're going somewhere. love xo

  2. How much can happen in a year,

    I really enjoyed this post, thanks

  3. Hi,
    I have been watching your videos for awhile and I love your honesty about everything. Thanks.
    I am 44 and have been anorexic/bulimic since I was 18. Yeah. Yuck.
    I was in a terrible purging place last year and started taking a combination of 5-Htp and L-theanine and I haven't binged or purged since. It's like a miracle. I don't question it...I just keep taking the supplements. I have never been on RX meds for my disorders, by the way, so I don't know about mixing.
    Anyway, you might want to explore these options.
    Thanks again for your candid words.
    Remember-- What doesn't kill you makes you funnier!

  4. Hi, could you make a video about what to do after you binge?

  5. The last line that you wrote is the epitome of this whole post love <33.