Sunday, May 20, 2012

The Quiet Before the Storm

This weekend has been amazing. I had two whole days of no bingeing or purging or restricting. My emotions have done their crazy roller coaster thing like I expected. It's been wonderful though. I mean, I can handle the overwhelming emotions- I've learned how to deal with it. It's the eating disorder I can't stand and it hasn't controlled my actions for two days!

I was sitting out on the porch this evening. It was so quiet and peaceful. It smelled like rain, though it hasn't rained yet. It will though. A storm is coming. This weekend has been that quiet before the storm. I know I struggle most during the work week. I'm under a lot more pressure and stress to perform well, make everyone happy, not step on any toes, be productive, pay bills, be social...It's when I'm weakest.

Battle plan?
- plan to eat food every few hours.
- bring my own food. Don't eat work food. BAD IDEA.
- take anxiety meds when I need them. I hate taking meds and rarely use them but they actually do help.
- text or call someone safe when I'm feeling like I'm going to engage in ED behaviors.

So, I'm going into this next week reluctantly. I'll fight. I just wish the war was already won.


  1. What meds do you take for anxiety? I struggle so much with anxiety and it's a major cause of my binge/purge cycle. Why do you not like taking them?

    Your posts are so helpful for me to read. I also find myself worrying about how you're doing when you go a few days without posting - even though I don't know you personally! I wish you every success in this rocky recovery road. It sucks, I know. But hold onto those calmer days and know you'll keep getting them, even when everything seems too much to handle.

    1. For me, I don't like taking anxiety meds either (Alprazolam). I can take them as needed up to three times a day. They make me so drowsy, though, and then after the anxiety storm has passed I feel like I still need the medication even though I don't. However, the past couple weeks I've been trying to be more aware of when a storm is coming so I can take the meds before I'm hit with the big mental battle.

  2. You are doing great. It is good to have a plan of action! Keep up the great work. You can do this!