There are many words I could use to describe my relationship with food. "Normal" isn't one of them. Of course, there's those people (whom I'm not particulary fond of) who would say there's no such thing as a normal relationship with food, but I beg to differ.
A normal relationship with food implies you eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. You don't restrict or eat insanely large amounts of food at one time, and you don't make yourself sick (especially not multiple times a day). Most of all, you aren't afraid of food.
Sometimes I'll think to myself "JUST EAT." I'm sure my family and friends have had those thoughts for me many times. I desperately wish it was that simple, and all I had to do was "just eat" and no longer will I be eating disordered.
Some days, I'll plan to eat like a normal person. No bingeing, no purging, no restricting. But I can't ever attain normalcy and trying only makes me increasingly frustrated. I hate I can't be normal. I hate feeling out of control. I especially hate seeing silent disappointment and sadness in my mom's eyes when she looks at me.
I have an urge to scream and shout and cry and stomp my feet, directed at no one in particular. I just want someone, anyone, to know how frustrated and angry I feel because I can't seem to function at such a basic level as eating food for survival.