Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Opening Closed Doors

My actions over the past 24 hours have left me feeling ashamed and dirty. I thought about not mentioning it here but I need to be honest somewhere.

A lot of things causing stress have happened this past weekend. Maybe I'll go into greater detail in a video, but one thing added to another and so on to create this build up of emotions I wasn't ready or maybe am incapable of dealing with in a healthy manner.

The point is, I couldn't cry or express what I was feeling. I haven't cut in a 1 1/2 years. Yet, I found myself using a razor to self-harm myself last night. It felt good. It helped. But it's not something I want to get back into. I was desperate. I needed something. I just wish I hadn't opened a door I thought was closed for good.

I wish I could say I'm doing great but I'm not. I bought a really good scale today, secretly of course, and I'm WAY too happy about it. I'm ecstatic. I feel like the scale will give me a little more control. That's probably my ED talking. I hate the fact you can be rational about irrational thinking, yet still think irrationally.

I'm not making sense. Sleep it is.

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweet, I feel for you. =/ There seems to be a trend of self-harming thoughts, I spoke to a girl just today who said she'd been having those thoughts, and as a suprise essay due in tomorrow popped up for me the other day I found my own mind numbing to common to sense and drifting into what would be sharp and clean enough..

    But I didn't act on it. It doesn't make anything go away, I know it feels like a release but it does you no good. You need to speak to a therapist or someone with experience in stopping these destructive habits.

    All is not lost. You can always change your mind at any second of a bad day and say "enough is enough." Forgive yourself for this trip, because you're going to pick yourself up, brush off the mess and look for ways to deal with your feelings. -I- believe in you.