My actions over the past 24 hours have left me feeling ashamed and dirty. I thought about not mentioning it here but I need to be honest somewhere.
A lot of things causing stress have happened this past weekend. Maybe I'll go into greater detail in a video, but one thing added to another and so on to create this build up of emotions I wasn't ready or maybe am incapable of dealing with in a healthy manner.
The point is, I couldn't cry or express what I was feeling. I haven't cut in a 1 1/2 years. Yet, I found myself using a razor to self-harm myself last night. It felt good. It helped. But it's not something I want to get back into. I was desperate. I needed something. I just wish I hadn't opened a door I thought was closed for good.
I wish I could say I'm doing great but I'm not. I bought a really good scale today, secretly of course, and I'm WAY too happy about it. I'm ecstatic. I feel like the scale will give me a little more control. That's probably my ED talking. I hate the fact you can be rational about irrational thinking, yet still think irrationally.
I'm not making sense. Sleep it is.