I make plans to restrict practically everyday and everyday, I am SURE I'll make it through the entire day without bingeing and purging. Almost without fail, I always end up bingeing and purging. Today I ended up just bingeing...I couldn't throw up and that's the worst feeling in the world. It's like someone stole my eraser and now I can only smudge my mistake around in a futile attempt to undue what has already been done.
My throat hurts incredibly. It's never been this bad before. When I try to purge, it burns. I've had other physical symptoms and my dietician and therapist are worried, so I'm getting my blood drawn next week to see if there's anything majorally wrong.
I'm trying to fight the urge to do a fast for the next couple of days. Fasting after eating loads is like a reset button to get me back on track. I know it's not right though. I'm fighting to have a pro-recovery mindset but it's so difficult. I remember hearing my eating disordered friends describe how hard it is to recover, but I don't think I really understood. I've gone through "recovery" when I was fourteen, but I never actually recovered. I just played the part to get my parents off my back and for a time, my ED behaviours were fairly under control. Now that I'm actually looking towards recovery, I can't believe how insurmountable it seems.
Making YouTube videos has helped. It's almost like a therapy for me...and it makes me happy to think I might be helping other people with their EDs too or even just helping people understand how EDs work.
So here I sit, feeling incredibly down, horribly large, and desperate for control. If I could cry, I would, but tears aren't something that naturally come to me. I really wish I could cry right now actually, because I'm actually feeling tempted to cut and that's definitely not something I want to do again.