Friday, December 17, 2010

Going Too Fast

As I've mentioned in the previous post, I'm really making progress. I've been eating and keeping down 700-800 calories and only purging one, sometimes three, times a day. Today I worked a long shift, constantly moving and never really stopping, so I planned to eat 900-1000. Ok, so I know it's not that much of an increase but it freaked me out! I felt so horrible about eating those extra 100-200 calories. I was feeling so good about eating more again, but just adding that little bit was too much apparently.

Sometimes I feel like a normal person who eats normally, and it scares me. I like actually having energy to do things and I'm so much happier when I've been eating well. But I'm not sure I'm ready to give up my coping mechanism. I'm honestly trying but once that scale starts inching up, I don't know what I'll do.
So goes life.

Shout out to Leech, who might be the only one who reads this blog :) You're wonderful and it's great to know you've been through recovery and made it out alright. Thanks for your encouragement. You put a smile on my face!

1 comment:

  1. Ohh, by no means have I made it out, I've got a while to go, I think.

    You know that you're ill, you know that people in our state need to eat -more- than the average person, usually. Recognise that these feelings of guilt aren't necessary, because you can logically justify it in your head. You do need those calories to work, most people have double. And if your friend's blabbing on about her weight, tell her you're having a tough time and would appreciate her not talking about weight/food/exercise. People just forget and say insensitive things withoutn realizing. Hell, just yesterday my boyfriend managed to set me off by saying something and not thinking it through, even doctors and nurses say stupid things.

    Something I find useful is writing things down in pen (so they can't be erased) and using it as my rules for the day. So, I might put down the minimum I have to eat, then give myself written permission to eat something if I'm still hungry, and any behaviours I'm not allowed to do. I then -must- obey that list, because it's something I wrote in my healthy state of mind. If you can/want, maybe find someone to go over it with you to double reality check it so you can't think you're being greedy and know it's enough. :3

    And well done for trying to have more! ^.^ The more you try things like that, the better you'll get at doing them. Best wishes for Christmas. xx