Sunday, December 5, 2010


I woke up this morning with a horrible sore throat, throbbing headache and a fever. Great. I hate being ill, especially on my day off. I'm too embarassed to mention there might be some considerable damage done to my throat from yesterday's binge/purge episode. I didn't even purge half the stuff I ate because I was too freaked out by the blood on my hands. Maybe this is too much information, but it's the reality of an eating disorder so I figure you'll get over my vivid descriptions of what I like to call hell.

The cupcake lady did me in last night. In fact, I sort of gave up. When I got home I thought, screw it I'm going to eat what I want and not care. My mom wouldn't even let me have what I wanted, which are these delectable potato rolls that are incredibly delicious. I wasn't even going to purge, since the blood thing freaked me out. However, she said I couldn't have them because it's not one of my "safe" foods. She then proceeded to "hide" them in the garage, as if I might take one anyway. REALLY?! I was just trying to be normal and eat like a NORMAL PERSON and she won't let me? It was ridiculous. I was so angry, so I decided I would never eat bread again, even if she begged me. I know this is ridiculous, but it's how I feel.

I wanted to make a video today, but I feel horrible. Not only because I'm sick, but because I just feel so disappointed in myself for eating so much and I feel extremely fat. Yes, I know fat is supposedly not a feeling but I beg to differ.

1 comment:

  1. Awh, sweet =/ I know how you feel not eating something just to spite someone else but from my experience, because their life isn't dominated by food like yours they won't notice for a long time and the frustration of trying to get to them through self-punishment will tire you out emotionally. I have this terrible habit of feeling I need to be told to eat, so come dinner time I often sit and wait for my boyfriend to ask what I'm having for dinner, and if he doesn't I often end up snapping at him like it's his responsibility. But it isn't.

    I think in your mum's own way she was trying to help. We often miss the things people do for us because we're in this state, but we must try to see their side of it. Like, when my mum and I moved and I no longer had a specialist nurse (who was strict but very good), my mum ended up taking her "tough love" role which still shakes me today as she's always been a very nurturing woman. But I remember it's her way of helping me, and coping with it herself.

    The disorder's making you feel guilty, no one should feel guilty for eating. Don't let it use you like this. You have a right as a human with choices what you eat. Fat -is not- a feeling, it's a vital part of our structure which allows us to use nutrients. x