I woke up this morning with a horrible sore throat, throbbing headache and a fever. Great. I hate being ill, especially on my day off. I'm too embarassed to mention there might be some considerable damage done to my throat from yesterday's binge/purge episode. I didn't even purge half the stuff I ate because I was too freaked out by the blood on my hands. Maybe this is too much information, but it's the reality of an eating disorder so I figure you'll get over my vivid descriptions of what I like to call hell.
The cupcake lady did me in last night. In fact, I sort of gave up. When I got home I thought, screw it I'm going to eat what I want and not care. My mom wouldn't even let me have what I wanted, which are these delectable potato rolls that are incredibly delicious. I wasn't even going to purge, since the blood thing freaked me out. However, she said I couldn't have them because it's not one of my "safe" foods. She then proceeded to "hide" them in the garage, as if I might take one anyway. REALLY?! I was just trying to be normal and eat like a NORMAL PERSON and she won't let me? It was ridiculous. I was so angry, so I decided I would never eat bread again, even if she begged me. I know this is ridiculous, but it's how I feel.
I wanted to make a video today, but I feel horrible. Not only because I'm sick, but because I just feel so disappointed in myself for eating so much and I feel extremely fat. Yes, I know fat is supposedly not a feeling but I beg to differ.