Saturday, May 19, 2012

Not A Great Week

I'm sorry I haven't been around much. Things have been difficult for me lately. I had a really tough week for so many reasons. Family drama I can't really go into detail about has made things at home rather tense. Then, I slept through FOUR ALARMS and was late for my opening shift, in which I'm the only person there who knows how to do my job! The girl who had my position previously was fired because she kept not showing up and sleeping in for her early morning shift. I got in trouble with my boss which felt like the world was ending. I hate getting in trouble. I also found out about some rumors going on about me, about me being late for my Thursday shifts and showing up at 9am instead of 8:30am. This really pissed me off. I looked at the time clock for the past TWO MONTHS and was almost always a few minutes early on Thursdays, except two occasions in which I arrived at 8:31am. Really. One minute late.  NOT A HALF HOUR.

Then I was on my way to the gym after getting off of work early on Thursday, when I got into a car accident. It wasn't anything terrible but it really shook me up. It was my fault too. Thankfully no one was hurt. My neck has been sore and I think I had a mild concussion (I banged my head on the steering wheel and earlier that day when I ran into a door at running speed...yep). I went to the gym anyway and thought I was ok to work out, but my head was hurting so bad and my chest was hurting, probably from the anxiety. I checked my pulse and my heart was skipping beats, which isn't good. I was SO ANGRY I didn't get to work out!

My eating disorder has gotten out of hand recently too. I've been purging multiple times a day. I've been good about replacing those calories and I haven't really lost weight, but this purging is a big problem. I just want to be done with this eating disorder so I can move on. At the same time, there's so many things I need to do that every responsible adult must do, that I feel overwhelmed. I feel as though I can't do it. It's too much. Cue eating disorder.

So I'm doing another three day no behaviors goal before I can run again. It's good motivation for me and I really shouldn't be exercising so much when I'm purging so frequently. Today is day one and let me tell you, the first few days of using no ED behavior is like coming off of drugs. It's miserable. I hate my body. Ed is so loud in my head, I can barely distinguish my voice from his voice. I just have to get through these first few days and then it gets easier. I have to believe that, because if I don't I think I might go crazy. Maybe you think I'm joking, but I'm not. Recovering from an eating disorder is not easy. People who have been through this don't get enough credit. I applaud all those who have gone before me on the road of recovery, are on it now, or are gaining the courage to begin the long trek. It's a worthwhile fight.

So please think of me these next few days. It's going to be hard. And most definitely, not a walk in the park.

13 comments:

  1. Car accidents are the worst, I too was in a minor accident a year and a half ago (my fault as well)and it TOTALLY shook me. I am still trying to feel confident behind the wheel which certainly doesn't help my anxiety.

    Good luck with your 3 day purge free goal. You can do it! Just take one hour at a time.
    I will be thinking about you and sending good vibes your way.

    Alexa

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  2. i can totally relate to the annoying work drama and the whole responsible adult stuff is really what i'm struggling with now! it sucks : (
    praying for you, it does get better. have faith <3

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  3. I came across your Youtube videos some time ago and I have to say, you are simply gorgeous in every way. Please stop being so hard on yourself - with or without your ED-related thoughts, your body is physically going through a LOT and you need to cut it some slack! I'm sure you already know this by now, but just to remind you: ED always wants to take the spotlight to try to get you tending to your disordered thoughts/rituals/"needs" all-the-while your poor, weak body is crying out for help but not receiving anywhere near enough.

    I'll try to make this short! I've been wanting to tell you about an ED-Recovery website http://www.gwynetholwyn.com which I found extraordinary. The website creator, Gwyneth, really knows her stuff - her recovery approach basically involves *drastically* upping your calorie intake to AT LEAST 3,000 a day to make your metabolism go, "Hey, NOW we're talking! Look at all these calories! I can finally do something decent and undergo proper repairs! Let's get this show on the road!" She explains everything so well in her blog posts - one greatly expands on the science behind "binges" and is really comforting to read when you're experiencing the, "I'm-out-of-control, oh-God, I'm-going-to-be-forever-a-binge-eater, I'll-never-be-able-to-stop, purge-purge-purge" thought process that just about every recovery patient experiences. Anyway, here are the links - I really do hope you take the time to read through because they may be the answer to your prayers!

    Why a high calorie intake is CRUCIAL in recovery: http://www.gwynetholwyn.com/blog/2011/9/14/do-i-need-2500-calories.html

    The phases of PROPER recovery: http://www.gwynetholwyn.com/blog/2011/9/13/phases-of-recovery-from-restricted-eating.html

    Bingeing is OK: http://www.gwynetholwyn.com/blog/2011/9/14/why-is-bingeing-not-bingeing-when-you-are-recovering-from-re.html

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    1. Thank you SO MUCH for those links! I found those articles very interesting...she makes a lot of sense. At the same time, her approach in upping calories so drastically scares me! I guess it scares me in a good way though. I'm being challenged and I like being challenged because it makes me think. I sent these links to my dietician and a few other people to get their opinions.

      I might even right a blog or blog about this soon, once I've done more research. Anyways, hope you're doing well and thanks again. :)

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    2. You're welcome! Oh, I really hope you get something out of it. 2,500 - 3,000+++ calories does seem horrifying but just remember the part that said, "You have done hundreds of thousands of calories' worth of damage to your body." I so, so, so encourage you to look further into it!

      - Anon. :)

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  4. I'm so sorry for you that all of this hapenned to you. I really hope you'll get better in te upcoming days. Stay strong sweetie.

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  5. Why is it whenever we're doing well for a few days and hope sets in, it all comes crashing down because some trigger comes along. It's so so so frustrating! I know exactly how you feel. I've been 'stuck' in this for eight years now, and despite getting married and having two kids in that time, I'm now 28 and struggling more than ever. Despite currently being in therapy and seeing a dietitian (not to mention all the medication I'm stuck on)

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  6. (cont...) I still can't seem to end this thing for longer than a few days because it's the only thing there I can trust to help me 'cope' with all my responsibilities. But one thing I do know is that we're all capable of more, even when we don't believe it. It's just a matter of patience. That's what I believe. Things will work out for us. You want it so badly, just don't give up. Please. It's so unfair, or so it seems. But it has to get better. If you want it badly enough it has to.

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  7. Praying for you, dear Rae

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  8. Unfortunately, life brings stormy days to everyone, and they get really dark. There will be brighter days, though, as I'm sure you've noticed while in the process of recovery. It's just trying to get through the storm that's hard. I'm glad you're focused on trying to recover, even though you're in this hard place right now. It's not easy trying to have a clear mind right now. I commend you for your motivation. God bless.

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    1. I just wrote a blog on going through the storm and then I read your comment. Thank you :)

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  9. Hi, you are an inspiration to all of us ED sufferers. Its not all plain sailing, recovery is a roller-coaster ride which I have yet to truely experience. I have been restricting and bingeing and purging for so long it's all I know so the fear is great. I have been reading the blogs above and really its a wake-up call. My body needs fuel to recover and yours does too. You are amazing and so beautiful inside and out. I know you'll find this hard to believe but its true. Keep on going x

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