Three years ago...

...today my brother Tyler passed away after complications from his fifth open heart surgery. It was unexpected. During surgery there was so much scar tissue, his heart ripped causing air to travel to the brain, resulting in global brain damage. The surgery didn't work. My brother was brain dead. His organs were shutting down. It was only a matter of time. I was going to school in England at the time. My mom called a week after his surgery, once it was obvious he wasn't going to make it, asking me to come home. 24 hours of straight traveling, I got to the hospital and was there for the next 36 hours. He was gone. His eyes were blank and most of his body paralyzed. His personality, his ability to breath with life support, everything was gone.

I was there when we took him off of life support. It was hard to watch my 17 year old brother struggle for breath and die. Traumatic actually. I had flashbacks at the most inconvenient times for months after. I remember having to watch my dad tell my little brother Micah, 12 years old at the time, Tyler was going to die. My heart broke. Over and over and over again, it broke.

Tyler and I were close, with only 2 1/2 years separating us in age. The last few years of his life, we became more than annoying siblings to each other. We became friends. Confidants. He told me everything. He asked my advice on everything. When I say everything, I mean everything. We talked about everything from dating to porn to God. We talked about death. We talked about love. We talked a lot.

My favorite memories are when him and I would escape our house and go to Borders bookstore. He'd read computer animation/code books and I'd read fantasy/sci fi novel. We'd split a cheese stuffed asiago pretzel. He'd get orange cream soda and I'd get Tazo peach iced tea.

He looked up to me. He loved me. He'd get this look in his eyes that said he was proud of me. It meant the world to me.

I didn't think I was going to cry about it today, but I've found myself unable to stop crying for the past two hours. Some wounds don't heal. Some wounds till open from time to time.

I miss you Tyler. I'll see you again one day. This is not our farewell.

Confused

I've had a bad stomach bug for the last few days. My stomach was incredibly distended, stabbing stomach pains, diarrhea, and toxic gas- yes, TMI but there you have it. 

A lot has been on my mind lately about nutrition and weight. I feel so confused. There's all this conflicting information out there on how we should be eating, exercising, what we should weigh, etc. I'm not sure what to believe. Everyone makes good points. There's the whole general opinion that we are in the middle of an obesity crisis and people need to lose weight. Then there's other opinions I've been reading and hearing saying it's dieting that's the problem, not obesity. We should eat these foods, not those foods. Exercise but not too much. 

I am so confused right now! I just want a clearcut answer- what should I eat? How much should I exercise? What really is my ideal body weight? Who's right and who is wrong? 

Body Hate

The last few days have been a challenge for me. I've been filled with so much self-hatred for my body. I just hate the way I look right now. Too heavy too heavy. These are the thoughts running through my head. It's difficult to not drown in them. The only thing keeping me from sinking to the bottom is the small voice telling me going back to ed isn't worth it.

My parents don't know how to support me right now. My mom knows something is wrong, even though I haven't said much of anything. Today she said she wishes she could make things easier for me. Me too.

Part of my struggle is seeing a number I never even saw after I had been at Remuda for three months. I haven't seen this number for two years. I was at this weight when my parents noticed my relapse and intervened, and made me see my doctor and a therapist. So many memories from that time...my Ed was working for me at that time. I didn't think it was a bad thing at the time. The negative side of the eating disorder seemed manageable and the gain seemed worth it. I wanted my Ed then. It worked for me.

I feel unhappy. Recovery seems miserable. My eating disorder IS miserable. I suppose it feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

The Quiet Before the Storm

This weekend has been amazing. I had two whole days of no bingeing or purging or restricting. My emotions have done their crazy roller coaster thing like I expected. It's been wonderful though. I mean, I can handle the overwhelming emotions- I've learned how to deal with it. It's the eating disorder I can't stand and it hasn't controlled my actions for two days!

I was sitting out on the porch this evening. It was so quiet and peaceful. It smelled like rain, though it hasn't rained yet. It will though. A storm is coming. This weekend has been that quiet before the storm. I know I struggle most during the work week. I'm under a lot more pressure and stress to perform well, make everyone happy, not step on any toes, be productive, pay bills, be social...It's when I'm weakest.

Battle plan?
- plan to eat food every few hours.
- bring my own food. Don't eat work food. BAD IDEA.
- take anxiety meds when I need them. I hate taking meds and rarely use them but they actually do help.
- text or call someone safe when I'm feeling like I'm going to engage in ED behaviors.

So, I'm going into this next week reluctantly. I'll fight. I just wish the war was already won.

Not A Great Week

I'm sorry I haven't been around much. Things have been difficult for me lately. I had a really tough week for so many reasons. Family drama I can't really go into detail about has made things at home rather tense. Then, I slept through FOUR ALARMS and was late for my opening shift, in which I'm the only person there who knows how to do my job! The girl who had my position previously was fired because she kept not showing up and sleeping in for her early morning shift. I got in trouble with my boss which felt like the world was ending. I hate getting in trouble. I also found out about some rumors going on about me, about me being late for my Thursday shifts and showing up at 9am instead of 8:30am. This really pissed me off. I looked at the time clock for the past TWO MONTHS and was almost always a few minutes early on Thursdays, except two occasions in which I arrived at 8:31am. Really. One minute late.  NOT A HALF HOUR.

Then I was on my way to the gym after getting off of work early on Thursday, when I got into a car accident. It wasn't anything terrible but it really shook me up. It was my fault too. Thankfully no one was hurt. My neck has been sore and I think I had a mild concussion (I banged my head on the steering wheel and earlier that day when I ran into a door at running speed...yep). I went to the gym anyway and thought I was ok to work out, but my head was hurting so bad and my chest was hurting, probably from the anxiety. I checked my pulse and my heart was skipping beats, which isn't good. I was SO ANGRY I didn't get to work out!

My eating disorder has gotten out of hand recently too. I've been purging multiple times a day. I've been good about replacing those calories and I haven't really lost weight, but this purging is a big problem. I just want to be done with this eating disorder so I can move on. At the same time, there's so many things I need to do that every responsible adult must do, that I feel overwhelmed. I feel as though I can't do it. It's too much. Cue eating disorder.

So I'm doing another three day no behaviors goal before I can run again. It's good motivation for me and I really shouldn't be exercising so much when I'm purging so frequently. Today is day one and let me tell you, the first few days of using no ED behavior is like coming off of drugs. It's miserable. I hate my body. Ed is so loud in my head, I can barely distinguish my voice from his voice. I just have to get through these first few days and then it gets easier. I have to believe that, because if I don't I think I might go crazy. Maybe you think I'm joking, but I'm not. Recovering from an eating disorder is not easy. People who have been through this don't get enough credit. I applaud all those who have gone before me on the road of recovery, are on it now, or are gaining the courage to begin the long trek. It's a worthwhile fight.

So please think of me these next few days. It's going to be hard. And most definitely, not a walk in the park.

Favorite Food Questions (Take from "Life Without Anorexia"

Name 5 foods that you can't live without:
 apples, sweet potatoes, beets, bananas, spinach

Name 5 foods that you eat everyday:
apples, raisin bran cereal, bananas, avocados, dave's killer bread

5 favorite sweets:
soy ice cream, sorbet, dark chocolate, ginger chews, vegan banana muffins

Favourite ice-cream:
vanilla with caramel, or mint

What i order in a restaurant:
 Depends! I love this vegan restaurant that always has something delicious to offer. I love soups and salads, and tofu dishes

What i cook if i have guests:
 Starter - salad, soup
Main: chickpea quinoa pilaf with vegan sausage
Dessert: sorbet with fresh fruit

Something you eat/drink now that you never thought you'd like
mushrooms, kombucha, sweet potatoes, bananas

Which meal do you like best?:
BREAKFAST!

Time Goes Away

I had the day off so I took full advantage of the free time. I slept in a bit, had a really great workout at the gym, cleaned the kitchen, did several loads of laundry, watched a documentary (Forks Over Knives which I strongly recommend!)...Too much time spent in the house though. I needed to get out. Former coworkers at Starbucks have been on me for not coming in to visit in a long time, so I grabbed my laptop and thought I'd hang out at my old place of employment for a bit. Of course, out of five people working I only knew one person, and not very well. Still, I got an iced venti passion tea and pulled out my laptop to find myself here.

I've been in such a reflective mood lately. Yesterday marked one year from when I was admitted at Remuda Ranch for anorexia. I can't explain the feelings I felt yesterday when I realized it had been a year to the day...anxious for some reason. It's not that I miss being sick, I don't. I looked through old pictures and no...I don't miss it. 

But I do miss the people I met down in treatment. I miss the safety, the separation from real life, the break from reality. I miss the bubble, because real life is scary and hard and unpredictable. I cherish the three months I had down in Arizona because I grew as a person. I learned things about myself I didn't know before. I made friends I love so deeply, it hurts. I try to explain to my friends and the people I love what it was like down in treatment, but they don't get it. They don't understand what a profound impact it had on me. Or maybe they see it, but they just can't feel it with me.

Even being in my old Starbucks, with strangers working a bar I took care of and loved...it feels strange. This is not my home anymore. Neither is Arizona. I don't belong in either place. I suppose I'm in mourning of a time in my life I'll never experience again. Time...is a strange strange thing.

Reminds me of a beautiful song by Rosie Thomas. I listened to it often before my sister got married. When I listened to this song, I was mourning the loss of my sister. Yes, she wasn't leaving this world, but she was leaving my world. I felt as though the foundation of the earth was torn beneath me when she married. I suppose that sounds a little dramatic but it's how I felt at the time. 

I suppose this all reminds me to cherish the past, be optimistic for the future, and live in the present...because we will never LIVE it again.

How do we make these moments last?
How do we get them to stay? 
When everything passes and time goes away

Time Goes Away by Rosie Thomas

SIX DAYS BEHAVIOR-FREE

I can't wipe the smile off my face. I made a new record as of today- six days without any eating disorder behaviors! I haven't binged, purged, restricted, over-exercised, self-harmed...this is the longest I've gone without purging since I had a feeding tube a year ago. And before the feeding tube, I hadn't been behavior free this long for over a year.

*victory dance*

I am so freakin proud of myself. It's a beautiful thing! Has it been easy? HELL NO!!! Did I want to give up? YES. Did I have multiple meltdowns and had to talk myself out of falling deeper into that mental hole that inevitably leads to behaviors? Every day.

Was it worth it? YES.