So much has happened the past few days. Wednesday I felt dizzy all day. By nighttime, I was so dizzy I just went in bed but was too scared to fall asleep. My heart was skipping beats and, combined with the dizziness, scared the crap out of me. I felt so discouraged. I'm doing all the right things, why is my body betraying me now? I emailed my doctor and dietician. Thursday I still felt dizzy and my blood pressure was 90/49 which is fairly low. My doctor wasn't in the office but his nurse read the email and talked with me. Both her and Viv were pushing me to go urgent care, but I felt like I could stick it out. The dizziness was lessening. I'd be ok. I talked to my doctor this morning and he thinks it's a combination of things. One, I'm exercising too hard which I knew but wasn't ready to admit. Also, I'm not drinking water. Before I'd drink powerade zero a lot, but since I'm not doing artificial sweetener (it has aspartame) I haven't had it. I don't drink water because I don't like the taste and I forget about it. I might have 4 ounces in a day or 16 ounces if I exercise, but that's it besides my morning coffee (which isn't exactly hydrating).
SOOO I got my labs done this morning and I'm waiting for the results. Everything SHOULD be spectacular but I'm afraid my body is going to rebel and pull out some alarming lab results or something.
Tonight was fun! I hung out with a few friends I met through group therapy. Courtney and I made a vegan dinner which actually turned out DELICIOUS! We had fresh spinach salad, quinoa chickpea pilaf, and vegan sausage. Another girl from group came over but wasn't ready to eat out yet. We talked for a long time and it was really nice. I had some realizations though that were...almost triggering for me?
I don't usually size everyone up but I do tend to acknowledge those in my group therapy who are thinner than me. Yes, it's my eating disorder but I don't contemplate on it and let it trigger me. I just acknowledge it and that's it. Well the other girl, let's call her K, made a comment or something about how I had so much farther to go in weight restoration and later she mentioned how she had already made it to her normal weight. I called her out on it and said I didn't think that was true at all. Both her and Court looked at me like I was crazy and said I was still very thin and had a ways to go.
...I just am having a difficult time comprehending that they really think that. How does she not see that she's obviously skinnier than me? I'm having a hard time even considering what they say is true because that means I can't see myself clearly and for some reason, that bothers me. I just can't accept it.
So now I'm in a funky mood and don't really know what to think. I can't believe they don't think I look normal now. I've gained so much weight in the past month and I pointed that out to them. They agreed that they both noticed I look much better and not as sickly, but they still see me as very thin.
Why can't I see it? Will I ever see it? Why do they see it? I think I wish they didn't think I was thin.