Well, I did it. Three days with absolutely no eating disorder behaviors- no purging, bingeing, restricting, exercising. I'm about to have a mental breakdown, but I did it.
I ended up eating WAY more than planned all three days, especially today. My body was craving peanut butter and saltines so I ate a few here and a few there. Before I knew it, I had an outrageous amount total. It's not like I binged and ate them all at once. I ate them spanning an eight hour shift. But I probably ended up having around 30 saltines with PB. Umm yes, definitely overload. I feel so mad at myself. I have this strong desire to cut myself, to hurt me, discipline me for such bad behavior.
I know it's Ed. I know his voice, his touch. I can feel his presence in a room. It's just like Ed to try and sabotage my detox from him on THE LAST DAY. I won't give him the satisfaction. I see my dietician tomorrow and I feel ashamed for what I've done- for overeating. Maybe she can help me work through these feelings though. I'm dreading seeing her but looking forward to it as well.
So three days purge free! Let's try and make it four? :)