Monday, April 16, 2012

Mentally Struggling

I've been avoiding writing here. Mostly because what's going on in my head is confusing me. I don't know where to begin or how to explain the conflicting feelings and thoughts I can't seem to sort through. 

I haven't been exercising. I was supposed to do an hour of running on Saturday and tomorrow too. But I don't feel like it. I am too angry and ashamed that I can't run more than three miles without having to switch to walking. I dread going for a run because I'm afraid of the disappointment and the shame. I used to run at least 10 miles six days a week. I'm only trying to run three times a week and half the distance.

I feel lazy. If I'm not going to "earn" my calories, than I shouldn't be eating them. I feel doomed to be fat. I'm hungry all the time, even when I'm not hungry. My weight keeps inching up. I hold my breath. I try to breathe out but I can't let go. The anxiety is crawling up my throat, fear choking me. I feel out of control of my body. It's doing it's own thing and I have no say. I want to take control back. 

I know the last two paragraphs are very eating disorders. It's why I italicized them, to separate my voice from the eating disorders. It's the only way I hold on- pulling off every eating disordered thought, feeling, action and separating from my own identity.

I'm holding on. I'm still doing good outwardly. It's in my head that there's a struggle going on. I don't know how long I contain it to my head though. Pretty soon it'll start seeping into my actions. I am definitely going to bring this up to my team. Honesty is my best friend. It will keep me safe.


  1. hugs
    Honesty is, I know believe me its hard.
    im thinking about you:)
    XOXO breanna

  2. Holding on is good love. Keep holding on.
    I'm here if you ever need anything; through here, youtube or facebook okay? <3 xox.

  3. Hi Ragan,
    My name is Mandie and I am 20 years old. I am currently waiting for a bed at a residential treatment center near me in Chicago called Timberline Knolls. I'm so nervous and scared and I can completely relate to this post. I also have been watching all your YouTube videos and finding some real inspiration there too. I just wanted to let you know how big of an inspiration you are to me and that if you ever need to talk im here. I also tweeted you but I'm not sure if you go on there :-)
    Thank you for all that you do!
    <3 Mandie <3

  4. Don't worry about having ED thoughts. Just keep having your own, and you'll be ok.

    I randomly said that yesterday, to a friend who was struggling with disordered thinking. I don't know where it came from, I just randomly said it, and yet I can't seem to get it out of my head. One of those moments of spontaneous insights, and this is certainly a case where I need to take my own advice! But it's true, and sometimes you don't really know it until you say it. So there, I've said it. You're on the right track, and you CAN get through this! :) <3 xxx

  5. what is your you tube profile or how can I see some of your vidoes there?
    Keep being honest! I am glad you are able to separate the ED thoughts from your own. That is a good thing. When you say you are supposed to run. That is your ED thought, right? Who says you are supposed to run an hour? You do not have to run. You know that, right? If you do not feel like it. It is fine and healthy to listen to your body without feeling guilty. I know that is a hard thing to do, trust me! I have the same struggle. I am on a forced rest with my pregnancy and it has been really hard.

    You are right to bring up the feelings with your team. Keep up the good work!

  6. I actually can relate about the exercise thoughts, I've been doing less and feel guilty about it, I used to be so addicted to exercise and now I struggle more than ever to do so.
    Makes eating harder because I know I don't feel like working out, then what on earth will I do with the calories?
    I hope you feel better and don't feel bad about those Ed thoughts, at least you know it's not really you wishing those bad thoughts, but I know you'll be okay.
    Good luck and have a great day.