I've been avoiding writing here. Mostly because what's going on in my head is confusing me. I don't know where to begin or how to explain the conflicting feelings and thoughts I can't seem to sort through.
I haven't been exercising. I was supposed to do an hour of running on Saturday and tomorrow too. But I don't feel like it. I am too angry and ashamed that I can't run more than three miles without having to switch to walking. I dread going for a run because I'm afraid of the disappointment and the shame. I used to run at least 10 miles six days a week. I'm only trying to run three times a week and half the distance.
I feel lazy. If I'm not going to "earn" my calories, than I shouldn't be eating them. I feel doomed to be fat. I'm hungry all the time, even when I'm not hungry. My weight keeps inching up. I hold my breath. I try to breathe out but I can't let go. The anxiety is crawling up my throat, fear choking me. I feel out of control of my body. It's doing it's own thing and I have no say. I want to take control back.
I know the last two paragraphs are very eating disorders. It's why I italicized them, to separate my voice from the eating disorders. It's the only way I hold on- pulling off every eating disordered thought, feeling, action and separating from my own identity.
I'm holding on. I'm still doing good outwardly. It's in my head that there's a struggle going on. I don't know how long I contain it to my head though. Pretty soon it'll start seeping into my actions. I am definitely going to bring this up to my team. Honesty is my best friend. It will keep me safe.