Ed's so sneaky. He's been trying to slip through the cracks of my defenses and take control again. I've been feeling so down the past few days. I feel like no one likes me, something is wrong with me, I can't do anything right, I'm ugly, no one would care if I ceased to exist...I've been dwelling on these thoughts, marinating in their poison. This isn't the way to live. I'm focusing on thoughts and feelings that are only self-defeating. I can't learn and move on from my mistakes and acknowledge my successes when I'm in this frame of mind.
So Ed, if you're reading this, pay close attention: I am not a failure. I am loved. I would be missed if I ceased to exist. I like to eat. I ENJOY food and nothing is wrong with that. I'm more than a number. My worth does not depend if my thighs touch or not. I don't have to purge. I have a choice. Just because I ate more than I planned does not automatically mean you can have your way with me.
Sometimes, like right now, I have a hard time believing these things are true. But I'll hold onto them. I'll make them my mantra. Because the alternative is only going to keep me imprisoned in a world of black and white, of existing and not living, a world in which I don't belong.
I am colorful. I am unique. I am me.