Wednesday, April 11, 2012


Ed's so sneaky. He's been trying to slip through the cracks of my defenses and take control again. I've been feeling so down the past few days. I feel like no one likes me, something is wrong with me, I can't do anything right, I'm ugly, no one would care if I ceased to exist...I've been dwelling on these thoughts, marinating in their poison. This isn't the way to live. I'm focusing on thoughts and feelings that are only self-defeating. I can't learn and move on from my mistakes and acknowledge my successes when I'm in this frame of mind.

So Ed, if you're reading this, pay close attention: I am not a failure. I am loved. I would be missed if I ceased to exist. I like to eat. I ENJOY food and nothing is wrong with that. I'm more than a number. My worth does not depend if my thighs touch or not. I don't have to purge. I have a choice. Just because I ate more than I planned does not automatically mean you can have your way with me. 

Sometimes, like right now, I have a hard time believing these things are true. But I'll hold onto them. I'll make them my mantra. Because the alternative is only going to keep me imprisoned in a world of black and white, of existing and not living, a world in which I don't belong.

I am colorful. I am unique. I am me.


  1. You are preserving, overcoming and victorious! Keep up the hard work! You are not alone! Love you girl much! Jodi

  2. I also care about you, think you are beautiful and simply adore you. I love reading your posts and you inspire me with each word. You are a fantastic being full of wonderful talents. Together we will get through this bloody disorder! xxx Andy

  3. Keep it going, girl. I loved to see how the whole vegan thing pushed you forward. I went vegetarian a little while ago and also considered going vegan, seeing how it motivated you. I realised, though, that for me being vegan would be my eating disorder talking and I wouldn't keep it up on a healthy basis. Don't let the bad thoughts get the better of you and remember, you may enjoy food. There really is nothing wrong with that, everybody may. have a good day