Three Day Detox Complete.

Well, I did it. Three days with absolutely no eating disorder behaviors- no purging, bingeing, restricting, exercising. I'm about to have a mental breakdown, but I did it.

I ended up eating WAY more than planned all three days, especially today. My body was craving peanut butter and saltines so I ate a few here and a few there. Before I knew it, I had an outrageous amount total. It's not like I binged and ate them all at once. I ate them spanning an eight hour shift. But I probably ended up having around 30 saltines with PB. Umm yes, definitely overload. I feel so mad at myself. I have this strong desire to cut myself, to hurt me, discipline me for such bad behavior.

I know it's Ed. I know his voice, his touch. I can feel his presence in a room. It's just like Ed to try and sabotage my detox from him on THE LAST DAY. I won't give him the satisfaction. I see my dietician tomorrow and I feel ashamed for what I've done- for overeating. Maybe she can help me work through these feelings though. I'm dreading seeing her but looking forward to it as well.

So three days purge free! Let's try and make it four? :)

Detoxing from ED

I'm sorry I haven't been around much, on this blog or my youtube. I guess I just haven't felt like talking about things, especially eating disorder related topics. I had a rough few days and so starting Saturday, I began a three-day detox from Ed. haha :) seriously though!

I decided I'm not going to allow myself to exercise until I've been purge free for three consecutive days. I increased my calories because I know I wasn't getting enough, which was causing the bingeing/purging, self-hatred thoughts. It's crazy but I truly believe that played a big role in why the end of this week was so rough. A week and a half ago I got this idea that my body only REALLY needs x amount of calories, about 600-800 calories less than I've been eating for the past two months. After four days of lessening my caloric intake, I crashed. I haven't had urges to binge and purge and it hit me suddenly. I was so confused- why is this happening? It was only a few days ago I made the connection.

So I've increased my calories back to what I was eating before- and let me tell you, I'm full all the time, but that tells me I really did decrease my calories too much. I've been juicing with our juicer everyday and getting lots of nutrients!!! My favorite is 1 beet (including beet greens), 1 apple, 3-4 carrots, 2 celery stalks, 1/2 lime (without the rind), and a 1/2 inch fresh ginger. SO YUMMY!!!!!

I hate feeling full all the time and I really want to exercise NOW, but like I said- this is a detox from Ed. I'm eating every two hours, getting lots of nutrients, and I think this is what I need. If tomorrow goes as well as today and yesterday, than I can exercise on Tuesday! Some motivation ;)

(hopefully) PMS

Today was just one of those days that really SUCKED. Wednesday and Thursday were the first behavior-filled days in a LONG time. Today was almost just as bad. I'm pretty sure I'm PMSing. Everything seems so overwhelming right now. Small things. I don't feel like I can handle any of it. I feel huge- a monstrosity that belongs in dark corners where shadows veil. How can I go from loving my body and being proud of it to this?

PMS. I better get my period so I can blame it on hormones.

Despite feeling horrible, I can't let these emotions bring me down. I've come too far. So, I'll cry. I'll throw a fit. I'll eat dark chocolate and cry while watching grey's anatomy late into the night. But things will turn around. I won't let Ed take advantage of me while I'm an emotional wreck.

But honestly, sometimes I really hate being a woman.

A Woman's Body

For so long, I forced my body to fit into the mold of a young girl. No hips, no boobs, straight up and down. As I'm progressing in my recovery, I'm finding my body is fitting into a different mold- that of a woman. I have soft curves, hips and a waist, a butt, my boobs are still pretty non-existant but there's more there than before.

Six weeks ago, I would have been horrified by this body being my own. It looks great on others, but me? I didn't want to look like a woman. I didn't want attention, especially from men. I wanted to be looked at as a child- no expectations, no responsibilities, no romantic interest. I wanted to disappear- don't look at me. Don't notice I'm here. I'm not. I am small. I am weak. Don't expect anything of me.

Strangely enough, I'm finding myself feeling proud of my body. It's a weird feeling, this pride. I was proud of my child-like body too, but this woman's body seems more natural. I'm not forcing it. I'm letting my body be the shape it was created to be. Something feels so right about it.

I've gotten attention from guys lately. Flirting, checking me out...that didn't really happen in my anorexic body. I didn't WANT attention. But now I don't mind it. I think it's supposed to be this way.

I like this body, this me.

I'm proud of my body!

Yes, that's right. I am PROUD of my body! This feeling has been slowly growing. I'm becoming comfortable in my new body size. No longer am I aching to be twenty-some pounds less. I like this body. It is strong, nourished, nurtured, beautiful. Are there imperfections? Of course. I'm not blind! My acne is flaring up, I have stretch marks, currently my skin is translucent, my legs are pretty bruised because they just bruise easily (it would probably help if I didn't run into things so often), I still have the refeeding belly though it's not as bad...Yes, I'm not perfect.

But there's so many beautiful things about my body too! I love seeing muscle on my body again. I can run for miles. My legs are very toned. I have pretty green eyes and full lips. My hair is healthy and shiny. I have long piano fingers, my skin isn't pasty grey-green anymore! It has color and that's a beautiful thing! I look like a human again haha.

Part of me wonders if this is my ego being blown up way too much, but I don't think so. I'm becoming confident in myself- my body and personality. I still struggle with body image and behaviors, but they aren't my daily reality anymore. I'm starting to like me :)

Weight-wise, I'm still technically ten pounds away from my ideal body weight. Thinking about that is overwhelming and makes me feel so anxious, so I'm simply going to savor this moment of being proud of me. I'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. Today has enough worries of its own. And yes, I just paraphrased the Bible ;)

Milestones and GOOD NEWS!!

Today I found out my best friend is getting married!!!!!!! I am so so so so happy for her and I'm looking forward to seeing my beautiful friend looking fabulous in white! The day started off kind of lame and I felt really down. But the news of Andi's engagement brightened my day :D 

I went for a walk this morning and it felt wonderful. Why am I trying to run when I feel much better briskly walking for an hour instead?? Viv made a good point today at our appointment. I need to listen to my body. If it's not ready to run more than three miles at a time, it's just not ready! I have this idea in my head of what my body SHOULD be doing and how it SHOULD look, but I never think to actually ask my body. Even if it's kicking and screaming at me, I tend to ignore it and actually get angry at it when it's not complying with my ideas.

I was weighed in at Vivs. I'm half a pound shy of my weight at my first doctor's appointment post-treatment. Dang. I don't really know what to think about that. I'm okay with it I guess. I'm not really feeling much of anything but acceptance. Yes, I'd prefer to weigh less, but whatever. I'm listening to my body now and my body says it would function better at a higher weight than my personal ideal. I still have aways to go before I reach my medical "ideal weight" but I'm a bit over halfway there. Amazing what five weeks can do to a person! 

Veganism is most definitely still working for me. I don't think I'll ever go back. I have no desire to go back! I'm at the point where I just think of what I want to eat for the next day and if I put it into my app, the calories, protein, fat, and carbs are all near my target. I don't have to plan and rework it for an hour like I did five weeks ago. I think that's progress! Eventually I'll be able to not even keep track of what I eat and I'll just do it intuitively!!! YAY!

I'm at this health food store called Huckleberries, sitting in their cafe bistro area. I love their juice bar!! Today I got "Captain Carrot" which is carrot, banana, pineapple, and cinnamon. SO YUMMY!!! I really need to finish my weekly grocery shopping and go home. I have to get up at 4am tomorrow and so I need to go to bed early. But I'm so comfortable and happy sitting here :) It's nice to feel happy and content.

Mentally Struggling

I've been avoiding writing here. Mostly because what's going on in my head is confusing me. I don't know where to begin or how to explain the conflicting feelings and thoughts I can't seem to sort through. 


I haven't been exercising. I was supposed to do an hour of running on Saturday and tomorrow too. But I don't feel like it. I am too angry and ashamed that I can't run more than three miles without having to switch to walking. I dread going for a run because I'm afraid of the disappointment and the shame. I used to run at least 10 miles six days a week. I'm only trying to run three times a week and half the distance.


I feel lazy. If I'm not going to "earn" my calories, than I shouldn't be eating them. I feel doomed to be fat. I'm hungry all the time, even when I'm not hungry. My weight keeps inching up. I hold my breath. I try to breathe out but I can't let go. The anxiety is crawling up my throat, fear choking me. I feel out of control of my body. It's doing it's own thing and I have no say. I want to take control back. 


I know the last two paragraphs are very eating disorders. It's why I italicized them, to separate my voice from the eating disorders. It's the only way I hold on- pulling off every eating disordered thought, feeling, action and separating from my own identity.


I'm holding on. I'm still doing good outwardly. It's in my head that there's a struggle going on. I don't know how long I contain it to my head though. Pretty soon it'll start seeping into my actions. I am definitely going to bring this up to my team. Honesty is my best friend. It will keep me safe.

Mantra

Ed's so sneaky. He's been trying to slip through the cracks of my defenses and take control again. I've been feeling so down the past few days. I feel like no one likes me, something is wrong with me, I can't do anything right, I'm ugly, no one would care if I ceased to exist...I've been dwelling on these thoughts, marinating in their poison. This isn't the way to live. I'm focusing on thoughts and feelings that are only self-defeating. I can't learn and move on from my mistakes and acknowledge my successes when I'm in this frame of mind.


So Ed, if you're reading this, pay close attention: I am not a failure. I am loved. I would be missed if I ceased to exist. I like to eat. I ENJOY food and nothing is wrong with that. I'm more than a number. My worth does not depend if my thighs touch or not. I don't have to purge. I have a choice. Just because I ate more than I planned does not automatically mean you can have your way with me. 


Sometimes, like right now, I have a hard time believing these things are true. But I'll hold onto them. I'll make them my mantra. Because the alternative is only going to keep me imprisoned in a world of black and white, of existing and not living, a world in which I don't belong.


I am colorful. I am unique. I am me.

Moody

I'm pretty annoyed with my family right now. Every little thing they say and do is like a cheese grater on my head.

There's plenty I should be doing right now. I'm in a weird mood though. It's just one of those nights. I think I'm more annoyed at myself than anyone else. There's bills I need to pay. A room and bathroom to clean. Several loads of laundry to do. I was also planning on a run this evening, but that was ruined pretty quickly when I got home and purged. Besides, I'm supposed to be taking things easy.

Definitely in a funk. First time in weeks I feel tempted to self-harm.

I'm Happy!

Today was such a beautiful day! I went on a run and it felt glorious to have the sun kissing my skin and warmth to counter the still crisp air. When I was on my run, I realized how happy I am. I'm doing good. Things are going well. I have friends. There's six different friends I now hang out with on a weekly basis and my friend Nicole will be moving back to Spokane in a few weeks! To think not long ago, I literally hung out with NO ONE. 

I went out with Caryssa today. We got our makeup done at Mac because we became friendly last time we were there with a girl named Erica. She's so loud and bubbly and freaking adorable. Both Rissa and I love her! She did a great job with my makeup, focusing on purples that bring out my hazel eyes. Afterwards Rissa and I ate at this lovely restaurant that has a vegetarian/vegan menu and it was DELICIOUS! I had this butternut squash bisque soup with a ginger tofu salad, as well as fresh warm bread and a glass of red wine. It was a nice little evening. 

I came home and started making some of the vegan menu items for our Easter dinner tomorrow. I hope they turn out!! So far, I've been quite successful in all my vegan cooking and baking. It would be a shame if things didn't turn out now when it's such a big holiday in our home and so many people are coming over. 

I'm content :) I feel loved. I feel happy. I feel at peace. I'll relish in these warm feelings because knowing life, I won't always feel this way.

Labs

I wake up and it's a beautiful sunny day out which is nice because it's been rainy for the past few weeks. I'm a bit groggy at first until I have my my morning coffee and toast with almond butter and jam. Suddenly, I remember my lab results should be posted online. I'm anxious because I just have this feeling something isn't right with my labs. Phosphorous, OK. Magnesium, OK. Potassium...I run down the list. My cholesterol is finally down to 260 which is much better than 380. Gosh, I hate genetics. Finally, I find the red flag- my liver isn't doing so good. For a second, I panic. Why? Why now?! I've never had a problem with my liver. I text my doctor and get a long email back from him. I have a great doctor.

He tells me the AST levels do seem to be up. He also notices my white blood cell count is low and my hemoglobin levels are also low, which means I'm very near anemic levels again. Dr. White explains this could just be a "blip," since my body is going through lots of changes with veganism, exercise and weight restoration. He wants me to continue what I'm doing, cut back on the duration of exercise by 30-40% (does he really expect me to do the math here?), and we'll watch my labs.

I sigh with relief. I'll be okay. That's all I want to know.

Body Perception

It's nearly midnight but I've been such a horrible blogger as of late, I'm making myself blog for at least five minutes. It's not that I don't have things to write about, I just am feeling and experiencing so much I would rather internalize it (and THAT'S not healthy!). 

So much has happened the past few days. Wednesday I felt dizzy all day. By nighttime, I was so dizzy I just went in bed but was too scared to fall asleep. My heart was skipping beats and, combined with the dizziness, scared the crap out of me. I felt so discouraged. I'm doing all the right things, why is my body betraying me now? I emailed my doctor and dietician. Thursday I still felt dizzy and my blood pressure was 90/49 which is fairly low. My doctor wasn't in the office but his nurse read the email and talked with me. Both her and Viv were pushing me to go urgent care, but I felt like I could stick it out. The dizziness was lessening. I'd be ok. I talked to my doctor this morning and he thinks it's a combination of things. One, I'm exercising too hard which I knew but wasn't ready to admit. Also, I'm not drinking water. Before I'd drink powerade zero a lot, but since I'm not doing artificial sweetener (it has aspartame) I haven't had it. I don't drink water because I don't like the taste and I forget about it. I might have 4 ounces in a day or 16 ounces if I exercise, but that's it besides my morning coffee (which isn't exactly hydrating).

SOOO I got my labs done this morning and I'm waiting for the results. Everything SHOULD be spectacular but I'm afraid my body is going to rebel and pull out some alarming lab results or something.

Tonight was fun! I hung out with a few friends I met through group therapy. Courtney and I made a vegan dinner which actually turned out DELICIOUS! We had fresh spinach salad, quinoa chickpea pilaf, and vegan sausage. Another girl from group came over but wasn't ready to eat out yet. We talked for a long time and it was really nice. I had some realizations though that were...almost triggering for me? 

I don't usually size everyone up but I do tend to acknowledge those in my group therapy who are thinner than me. Yes, it's my eating disorder but I don't contemplate on it and let it trigger me. I just acknowledge it and that's it. Well the other girl, let's call her K, made a comment or something about how I had so much farther to go in weight restoration and later she mentioned how she had already made it to her normal weight. I called her out on it and said I didn't think that was true at all. Both her and Court looked at me like I was crazy and said I was still very thin and had a ways to go. 

...what? 

...I just am having a difficult time comprehending that they really think that. How does she not see that she's obviously skinnier than me? I'm having a hard time even considering what they say is true because that means I can't see myself clearly and for some reason, that bothers me. I just can't accept it. 

So now I'm in a funky mood and don't really know what to think. I can't believe they don't think I look normal now. I've gained so much weight in the past month and I pointed that out to them. They agreed that they both noticed I look much better and not as sickly, but they still see me as very thin. 

Why can't I see it? Will I ever see it? Why do they see it? I think I wish they didn't think I was thin. 

Choice

I've been doing so well, I've shocked my entire treatment team. I saw my dietician today and she had a look of amaze when she asked,"What changed? What happened to change you so much?" I told her I don't really know how to explain it. I started to take interest and treating my body with kindness and taking care of it. I think I knew I changed when I began to believe in myself. I don't HAVE to purge or CAN'T eat. I have a choice. I'm not powerless to my eating disorder. ED is not stronger than me.

For so long I truly believed there was no hope. I "couldn't" fight Ed. But I think that's part of Ed's strategy- to make us feel like there's no choice. It's not easy. Sometimes you feel like you're going crazy and you're too tired to fight. But you can fight. And you've got people who love you who will help you stand up when your knees feel too weak. Never give up. It's worth it.

Weight Restoration: I Am Not Alone

The weekend has been great so far! It started off kind of rough though. My weight Saturday morning depressed me. I feel as though it's happening too fast, this weight restoration thing. I'm not even eating more than 2000 calories and I'm gaining like I was inpatient, when I was eating 3500-4000 calories. It's confusing and scary and I feel so out of control. My friend Mo recently went through a similar situation during her weight restoration where she's been eating 1200-1500 calories and gaining 2-3 pounds a week. I texted her and she had some encouraging words for me I'd like to share with you:

Weight gain sucks. There are not if ands or buts about it. I can completely relate to the eating under 2000 calories for a month and gaining 10 lbs, shit. The truth is that if you are under your natural set point, your body remembers a time when it was most efficient and running the smoothest, and it will FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL to get you back into that range no matter how much or how little you feed it. I felt pissed. Pissed at the world. I almost felt like i was lied to. Everyone always said- "It takes atleast 3500 EXTRA calories to make ONE pound." Nope. They lied. That may be true for people once they are within their range, because it actually takes a hell of alot to get your body out of that range (higher OR lower). Like i said, it will fight tooth and nail to stay in that range. The reality is that if you give yourself even a small amount, it will naturally climb to reach where it is comfortable. I'm not saying this to scare you, or freak you out, im just being honest. On the bright side, i did have a realization though after thinking about your text.... Wether I give myself 2000 calories or stress and deprive myself and restrict down to 300- I gain weight. Before I thought, "So that means I really didn't need the 2000. The 1700 were just extra!" But thats not true. When i think about all the other functions my body does: walk, breathe, grow hair, erase the bags under my eyes, sleep, regulate my mood, etc. it was ALL easier on 2000. So if my weight does the same thing at 300 or 2000, but my body is happier at 2000.....why stress about sticking to the 300.

I don't know if that helped you at all..... I hope it did. As mean as it sounds, your struggle really did help open my eyes, and help me. Lol. I love you no matter your size, and I really can't stress how much you notice the weight more than anyone else. It's like my fucking pooch. I ONLY see that pooch on my tummy, but everyone else seems to ignore it's existance.... We use magnifying glasses to focus on our faults. If only I could have you look through the same magnifying glass at your fantastic beauty and amazing personality!!!

I know what you mean when you say, "I wish you could see yourself through my eyes" How about we trade eyes for awhile?

I honestly don't understand this whole weight restoration thing, but to have a friend who is experiencing the same thing I am is comforting. I know it won't last forever and it'll be okay. I've just got to trust my body that it knows what it's doing.