Saturday, March 17, 2012

Day 5- Holding On

Today is Day 5 of no behaviors and my vegan diet. Yesterday was almost overly successful in the sense that I ate much more than planned. I actually ate a normal amount of calories. Part of me is so scared of this- I knew increasing my caloric intake was a natural step in recovery but it feels as though it's happening too fast. I want to slow it down, go back down to the amount of calories I was having five days ago which is more than half what I'm having now. What's frustrating though is my body WANTS a normal amount of calories. I don't think I can go back now without risking returning to behaviors. 

Another added component is a couple very close friends are really struggling right now. One of them has been sick this past week and though she's been earnestly seeking recovery, her stomach hasn't been able to handle food because of sickness. Yesterday she weighed herself and was, for the first time, her initial goal weight she was aiming for in the middle of her eating disorder. Of course, she has mixed emotions about it. So do I. There's the Ed part of me yearning to lose weight, especially hearing about my friends weight-loss.

But I refuse to let my eating disorder take my successes and vegan diet, and use them against me. I'm proud of how well I've done this week. I'm happy. I have energy. I'm finally eating foods I would have never dreamed of keeping down and using them to nourish my body. I don't want Ed to take my veganism and use it as an excuse to restrict. I won't restrict. I want health.

So fuck off Ed. Leave me alone. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to be free. I'm scared of the uncertainty of the future, but living in the shadow of an eating disorder isn't living at all, it's simply existing. 

God, please help me hold onto this conviction. 


  1. heya! so proud of you for not having behaviours for 5 whole days! give yourself a zillion pats on the deserve it!! glad that going vegan hasn't led you to restrict! keep at it! :) xoxo a

  2. Day 5! Wohoo!

    I'll be praying for you. You can do it Rae!

  3. I am struggling so much and just don't think I can fight ED any longer but reading your posts this week gave me a glimpse of hope. I am so happy for you and wish you continued strength and courage in fighting ED. You deserve a life free from ED's control. Take care. You are always in my prayers. Deb

  4. Great job ragan!!! I cant help but notice u haven't made a new vid 4 ur yt account n awhile please do preferably another diary entry if not then just tell all the good ppls about ur amazing succes!!! So happy 4 u keep going!!!;) :D

  5. Day 5! Rock on <3

    I am currently trying to recover while living in a household where every single member of my family (sans brother) has started to diet. Kind of a different situation but kind of the same...seeing their progress and weights starting to drop and hearing their declarations of how happy their weight loss is making them...that kind of junk starts a whole new round of the battle in my brain because the ED starts asking questions ("Why did they say I was BAD and DEADLY for YOU when weight loss is apparently so friggin' GOOD when it's happening to THEM?"). I've been really having to step back lately and remember that IT ALMOST KILLED ME.

    Having friends who are struggling and losing weight when you're doing well is an even worse feeling :( No doubt because of the default feelings of competitiveness that all people with EDs possess (whether they want to or not). I think that feeling of being competitive (even when you're totally rooting for the recovery of yourself and others) is really one of THE most mentally strenous aspects of this illness and one of the biggest characteristics that hold so many people back from seeking recovery (or recovering when they do pursue treatment). And it just sucks!

    Don't don't DON'T let feelings like that get the best of you or make you take three steps back. You're doing so well. IT'S OKAY TO DO WELL. Step back and realize what your struggling friends are physically up against right now, like your friend who has reached her ED goal weight due to being so sick she can't eat. You say she's bittersweet about it, but she's not really. Because SHE, as someone who is "earnestly seeking recovery", is not happy about it.

    It's her ED that is.

    We all BELIEVE in our warped, disordered minds that one day, we'll step on the scale and finally see a number low enough to make us feel okay and happy and safe and secure. But we all KNOW that a day like that will never come. It'll NEVER be low enough for too many reasons that have NOTHING to do with food, weight, scales, numbers, etc. We reach a new low weight and feel good about it temporarily before it becomes the new too-high.

    Waiting for that day to come when a number is "enough" to identify ourselves with, giving in and "working" for the ED to get a day like that...that's what eventually claims so many lives. Girls and boys waiting for that promise to be fulfilled, waiting for that number to make them feel safe, and dying for something they were wrongfully, impossibly promised.

    Please, please, please don't give up. You're worthy of the progress you're making. Thoughts and prayers <3

    (If you ever need a new friend to talk to, feel free to e-mail me: I'm not recovered, but I'm trying, too <3)