Another added component is a couple very close friends are really struggling right now. One of them has been sick this past week and though she's been earnestly seeking recovery, her stomach hasn't been able to handle food because of sickness. Yesterday she weighed herself and was, for the first time, her initial goal weight she was aiming for in the middle of her eating disorder. Of course, she has mixed emotions about it. So do I. There's the Ed part of me yearning to lose weight, especially hearing about my friends weight-loss.
But I refuse to let my eating disorder take my successes and vegan diet, and use them against me. I'm proud of how well I've done this week. I'm happy. I have energy. I'm finally eating foods I would have never dreamed of keeping down and using them to nourish my body. I don't want Ed to take my veganism and use it as an excuse to restrict. I won't restrict. I want health.
So fuck off Ed. Leave me alone. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to be free. I'm scared of the uncertainty of the future, but living in the shadow of an eating disorder isn't living at all, it's simply existing.
God, please help me hold onto this conviction.