Saturday, March 3, 2012

No Longer Mac-less :)

I left my computer at my therapist's office on Wednesday, on accident I might add. I finally had a chance to meet up with her today to get my laptop back, and subsequently, my social life. Sad but true. Major update needed? I'd say yes.

I've been sick the past few days with an incredibly sore throat and drippy nose. Daily behaviors aka purging I'm sure doesn't help the matter. I've been unable to refrain from purging completely, but I have decreased the frequency and increased my calorie intake. Add in the fact I've been drinking emergen-c, airborne, and theraflu AND taking extra vitamins- I'm feeling much better! 

Not feeling so good about body image. I know because of my increased calorie intake and generally how my body FEELS, my weight has gone up. I haven't stepped on the scale for days and I'm not so sure it would be a good idea when my recovery is in such a fragile state. Yes, things are improving but I definitely don't need anything to happen that might set me back! 

Today was a lazy saturday. On my way to pick up my laptop, I dropped by Huckleberries, which is like Trader Joe's. Pretty much, it's a grocery store for health nuts, vegans, and organic people. I was only there to get one thing, but left with $50 worth of groceries. I'm not vegan (because I love yogurt and cheese), and I'm not really vegetarian (I like shrimp and chicken doesn't bother me too much), but I feel so much better about my body when I'm eating foods that aren't processed. I don't like all the added chemicals and crap that's in most our food. I'm actually proud of myself for walking out with so many groceries because it means I'm choosing to eat. I don't know how to explain that better but I wouldn't of gotten the food I did if I was planning on restricting. Part of me really wants to restrict too. Especially when I'm feeling...large. 

My groceries: dried apricots, dried prunes, soy nuts, local raw honey, fresh almond butter, unsweetened almond milk, flax oatmeal, crisp bread, thai rice noodle soup, hot chocolate, greek yogurt

Of course, I felt anxiety from purchasing so much food, so I sat in my car for an hour taking an inventory of everything I bought and the amount of calories per serving. I also figured out how this food was going to fit into my meal plan for the next few days, which calmed me down a bit.

HAHA ok, so this man at the store walked up to me and said,"You look like a ballerina! You have such nice long legs, strong legs." I'm not sure what to make of such a random compliment, and whether to be flattered or offended.

SIDE NOTE: I've gotten terrible night sweats the past few nights! It makes sense, because I remember this happening in treatment when my calorie intake was increased. It has something to do with the metabolism speeding up so I suppose it's a good sign but can I just say I find waking up in the middle of the night DRENCHED in sweat annoying?!!


  1. hi Ragan. i often watch your videos on you tube. im happy to here u r doing a little better. it sounds like u r being gentle with yourself. when i can get up the courage and feel worth the while to spend the money on i love to shop in health food stores. i feel as though i got to work as hard as i can to keep all the food down 1because i know its healthy and 2 because it costs more than your regular food. Keep working hard. u r worth it! hope your runny nose clears up. much love
    Laura (lavieboheme20).

  2. Well done girl! The fact you got all those groceries (with intent of eating them) and increased your intake is definately something to be proud of.
    I know it can be hard when your in recovery, but you just have to really try to let go of your ed thoughts and be your own person!
    I'm happy to hear your doing a bit better and really hope the throat ache and runny nose clears up soon :)

  3. Awesome that you're doing things to make you feel better about eating. I've heard some people say that eating only certain types of food (organic, healthy) is an eating disordered behavior but I believe that choosing foods that make you feel good every now and then (or even more often) is a great way to be kind to and support yourself. :)

    1. It's funny you mentioned the eating disorder behavior comment. I just had a pretty intense talk with a so called friend about that. She won't eat certain foods not because she does not like them she just won't eat them. So she rips me one for not eating pasta and not eating in restaurants saying that it is all ED behavior and there is no such thing as disordered eating just an eating disorder. I asked her what the difference was with her and she said that her refusal to eat certain foods was normal but my refusal to eat pasta was not. When we continued this talk, I finally got her to admit her not eating ceratin foods was actually a fear for her but she still insists that is okay for a "normal person". She said because I went to all that trouble to get the eating disorder label, yes she said that, that I had to eat anything and everything that would be included in a healthy meal plan and that anything outside of that will always be an eating disorder not just a case of disordered eating or just not wanting to eat a certain food. So...can you have an eating disorder and also have disordered eating that is kept apart or will any food avoidance or food fear going to always be ED? I hate ED!!