I had a nice, laid-back girls weekend with Rissa :) I love the Montvale Hotel! We slept in today and had a late breakfast at a restaurant named Scout. I had granola with fresh fruit and soy milk, and coffee. It was yummy and I was so hungry. It felt so nice to know I didn't have to go to the bathroom and purge afterwards. I got to keep it. I know how odd that might sound, because I technically don't ever "have" to purge a meal. But when you're in the midst of an eating disorder, you abide by Ed's rules and he says you HAVE to purge everything, especially meals you don't know the exact calorie content of.
We went shopping at Nordstroms for a bit and I got a bunch of new Mac makeup. I always plan to only get one thing and end up with a bag full. But I'm excited! I've been feeling ugly and just wanting to disappear, so I haven't been wearing much makeup, if any, glasses, and a pony tail. New makeup will be fun to wear and experiment with and maybe I'll feel a bit better about my appearance.
Rissa and I then got Ben and Jerry's ice cream- I know, CRAZY! I got a small mango sorbet, but the amount she gave me didn't look small at all. She definitely gave me an extra scoop. It was yummy but afterwards I panicked. We were waiting for our movie, The Hunger Games, to start so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. I don't know how long I stood there, a battle going on in my head between me and Ed. Ice cream is so easy to get rid of, Ed said. It would be a shame to digest all those calories when getting rid of it would take little effort and little mess.
I told Ed to fuck off. It took everything in me to walk back to my seat and keep my butt planted there till the movie began (which was amazing by the way!)
Afterwards, Rissa drove me back to my car and I went to the health food store to do my weekly shopping. Of course I ran into an anorexic girl there, like I almost always do when in health food stores. Running into these girls always gives me an odd feeling. It's hard for me to walk away from them and not sneak glimpses. Everything in me wants to go up to them and...I don't know...say something? What would I say? I'm pretty sure you have an eating disorder and so do I? HAHA. RIGHT. That would go over well! All I do is smile and try to communicate through that smile that they're not alone and I understand.
It was a BEAUTIFUL day and 64 degrees which is the hottest it's been yet. I love spring! It just feels so fresh and it's so nice to feel the air warming up again and the sun shining. I made it home just in time to through a sweet potato in the oven and slip on my sneakers for a walk/jog before bible study. I haven't ran since September and so it slightly depressed me how out of shape I was, but it felt nice to move my body in the fresh air. A deal I have with myself is I can only exercise if I'm NOT purging and getting enough calories. It's a rule I have that's protected me from probably having a heart attack. I haven't always followed that rule. At one of my sicker moments, I was running a half marathon almost everyday on little food for energy. I ran my body into the ground. I'm careful now to make sure I don't become so addicted to exercise like before. It's why I stopped exercising, excluding walking, a month after I got back from treatment. It started to get out of hand again and I was still in a recovered mindset enough to use my wise mind and stop.
I wonder what this week will hold? I hope good things.
^The Montvale Hotel
(The Catacombs Restaurant)
My breakfast at Scout and my friend Rissa enjoying her food :)