Thursday, March 15, 2012

Three Days how long I've been completely behavior free! No bingeing, no purging, no restricting, eating every two hours, and vegan. I haven't gone this long behavior-free since inpatient, where I was practically forced into being behavior-free. This time I'm doing it on my own and it's my choice. I honestly didn't think it was possible. Three days might not really seem that long to some people but for me, it's the difference between a year and a century.

However, as my lovely gay friend says, "It's not all rainbows and men." There's been triggers the past few days when I was tempted to have behaviors. Yesterday at work there was even MORE drama and it was horrible. I ended up crying all morning and I simply couldn't stop, it was embarrassing! I shared my life story in group last night and that was...I don't know. I felt very disconnected. It was nice to get good feedback though. Someone in group said I had this light in my eyes. I've been told by so many people when I'm in the midst of my eating disorder, that a light I used to have in my eyes is completely gone. To hear someone can see that light again gave me hope!

I've also had urges to act on behaviors because of how I physically feel when I eat. I've been upping my calories every day but I felt so ravenous between my afternoon snack and dinner...sooo I had a larabar and a serving of wheat thins. I felt GUILTY for having food outside of what I had already planned and going over my calorie goal for the day. It was the first time I really really had to fight the urge to binge/purge. I texted my therapist a friend for support and worked my ass off at work and the feelings didn't necessarily go away, but they calmed down enough to where I was okay. Probably had more like x calories which freaks me out so I'm not actually going to count. I know it needs to keep going up until...I don't know, a healthy place. I guess I'll have to ask my dietician where I should be calorie-wise. I know I FEEL like what I'm having now is more than enough, but rationally I know I'm probably not the best judge where calories are concerned.

I came home and was so hungry. Seriously! Why am I hungry ALL THE TIME all of a sudden?! I ate more than I planned AGAIN. I had my planned bowl of raw veggies, black bean soup, and chocolate soy milk. But then my mom made baked sweet potatoes and I ended up eating a whole sweet potato with a bit of blackstrap molasses on it. That's when the feeling of fullness hit HARD. I just wanted to purge so badly, I didn't trust myself enough to take a bath even though I needed one. I still feel full and didn't eat the apple I planned, but I'm okay. I've got you wonderful people and friends for support.

Being vegan is really working out for me! Yay! Except...I feel enormous guilt over having honey in my diet still. I feel like I have to give honey up too because I need to fit inside the box, the boundaries of veganism because then I'll be safe. Safe from what? I don't know. My eating disorder. My anxiety. Whatever "it" is, I recognize this as a potential pitfall and an eating disordered thought. SO I'm still having a trail mix bar tomorrow with honey in it, even though it feels "unsafe."

All your comments on how this might be another form of my eating disorder did make me think. It might be. All I know is my eating disorder wasn't allowing me to have most foods, even safe foods. Going back to a normal diet where all foods are safe seems too overwhelming. Veganism expands my "safe foods" list and to be honest, it's what I need right now to be okay with eating what's on that list. I will probably expand that list even more after Easter by switching to vegetarianism, and maybe I'll eventually start having meat again. But thank you...your concern didn't fall on deaf ears.


  1. THREE DAYS behavior free! That is a HUGE accomplishment! There is not enough space to put all of the kudos you deserve here =D So...


    I'm glad to hear that you are still watching yourself, analyzing your thought processes, and keeping your dietician involved (as well as opening up in group...awkward, but the support can be such a relief sometimes).

    Also, I understand the need to anchor yourself with a label, but try not to feel guilty about still consuming honey. Honey is a perfectly A.O.K. food to eat and, MOST importantly, it's YOUR DECISION to eat it. You just have to keep telling yourself, as hard as it may be, that your ED does NOT have the right to make you avoid it for ANY reason. Because it is YOUR decision to include it. YOUR decision! Rae's :)

    (With that said, great job on still keeping that trail mix bar in your plan for tomorrow!)

    I know we don't know each other (and I'm so sorry I leave novel-length comments...I'm homebound right now and incredibly bored from a lack of socialization), but I think about and pray for your recovery every day. As long as your heart is beating, you serve a purpose. Never stop fighting <3

  2. I m so happy for you :)
    Three days behavior free, thats a big deal, im happy you found what works for you. and if it is a eating disorder behavior, will it is, all that matters is that your happy and you just try to recover. much love xoxo breanna

  3. That is such a big accomplishemt. I am so proud of you. Take one day at a time and be so proud of yourself. Look at this as proof that you can do this and you are!!! What can you do to keep the momentum going? You are doing great!

  4. Congratulations!!!

    It's amazing to read about your progress and I'm glad you feel good about your vegan diet. It might be true that it is another form of restriction, but if it is a form of restriction that on the other hand allows you to stick to your meal plan and go behaviour free, I really can't see how that's supposed to be worse than binging/purging on a "normal" diet - I'm sure you get more nutrients as it is ;-)

    Keep it up, girl - you can do that =)

    All the best,

  5. Congratulations. You are truly amazing for achieving such a big accomplishment =). I am so happy for you !!

  6. In all honesty I think if veganism is working for you at this time then that is a positive. I think you are probably feeling hungry because your body has a lot of processes to catch up on that whilst it wasn't being nourished it put 'on the back burner'. Defo ask your dietician.
    Well done for coping with the feelings and knowing it wasn't 'safe' to take a bath. Each time you deal with that anxiety you break down that fixed pathway of eat > panic. Don't know if you've ever done any CBT? But pretty much you're doing awesome!