Well my dear friends, I have been quite distant lately, not only online as Ragan. I've been isolating because, well, it's easier. It's difficult to explain the place I'm at right now. You guys remember when I went inpatient, it was the same day I was supposed to go with my family to California. My dad was supposed to speak and we were going to Disneyland too. But he cancelled this engagement, the entire trip, because of me. I'm feeling deja vu because he was asked to speak at another conference and there's yet again, plans to go to Disneyland. I really don't want to mess this up again. I really don't want to be too unwell to go again and ruin it for everyone. I have a lot of guilt because of last time and now I get a second chance to make it right.
It's embarrassing to say, but it's the biggest motivator for my recovery. I really only have external motivators for recovery and no internal ones. I want to get better for everyone else, so they'll stop worrying. But why don't I want to get better for me? It's frustrating. How do I change that? I WANT to want to get better for me, but the fact is my feelings don't align with what my mind says I should be feeling and thinking.
Prozac hasn't been seeming to help at all either. My team thinks it's because my weight is too low, since it's been proven to not be affective on those who are too underweight. The best way to describe how I've been feeling is detached. I have a difficult time connecting or really caring about what's going on around me. My ups are brief and barely existent, while I practically live in the lows. So I'm being weened off of my anti-depressants and we'll see what happens after that.
Other than that? I'm still caught in that binge cycle. I am purging frequently but keeping a lot more food down as well. As a result, my weight has gone up and strangely enough, I'm okay with it. Mostly because I know I can't be the weight I'm at now and go on our trip. Yes, I'm doing it mostly for other people, but for now, maybe that's what I need. Maybe wanting it for me will come later?? I sure hope so.