Tuesday, March 6, 2012


Well my dear friends, I have been quite distant lately, not only online as Ragan. I've been isolating because, well, it's easier. It's difficult to explain the place I'm at right now. You guys remember when I went inpatient, it was the same day I was supposed to go with my family to California. My dad was supposed to speak and we were going to Disneyland too. But he cancelled this engagement, the entire trip, because of me. I'm feeling deja vu because he was asked to speak at another conference and there's yet again, plans to go to Disneyland. I really don't want to mess this up again. I really don't want to be too unwell to go again and ruin it for everyone. I have a lot of guilt because of last time and now I get a second chance to make it right.

It's embarrassing to say, but it's the biggest motivator for my recovery. I really only have external motivators for recovery and no internal ones. I want to get better for everyone else, so they'll stop worrying. But why don't I want to get better for me? It's frustrating. How do I change that? I WANT to want to get better for me, but the fact is my feelings don't align with what my mind says I should be feeling and thinking.

Prozac hasn't been seeming to help at all either. My team thinks it's because my weight is too low, since it's been proven to not be affective on those who are too underweight. The best way to describe how I've been feeling is detached. I have a difficult time connecting or really caring about what's going on around me. My ups are brief and barely existent, while I practically live in the lows. So I'm being weened off of my anti-depressants and we'll see what happens after that.

Other than that? I'm still caught in that binge cycle. I am purging frequently but keeping a lot more food down as well. As a result, my weight has gone up and strangely enough, I'm okay with it. Mostly because I know I can't be the weight I'm at now and go on our trip. Yes, I'm doing it mostly for other people, but for now, maybe that's what I need. Maybe wanting it for me will come later?? I sure hope so.


  1. "I really only have external motivators for recovery and no internal ones. I want to get better for everyone else, so they'll stop worrying. But why don't I want to get better for me? It's frustrating. How do I change that? I WANT to want to get better for me, but the fact is my feelings don't align with what my mind says I should be feeling and thinking." Wow...I just made a video about this and how I am struggling with the same issue. I have no idea how to truly want it for ME!!

  2. I struggle with this too - using external motivation rather than internal motivation. But I also realize that as long as it WORKS, it can't be a bad thing.

    You talk about prozac maybe not working because your weight is too low. The same may be true for your motivation. As your weight is restored, and you're more able to tap into the you that is YOU underneath, hopefully you'll find your own reasons to recover.

    But all I can say is - whatever the motivation, keep it up. It is hard work, and I think a family trip and relationships is plenty reason to keep going. *hugs*

  3. I struggle with this too. I think this is common. My motivation right now is my baby and my daughter and of course my husband. My faith is motivation too. I hope that once that all works, I may like myself enough? This can happen for us both, perhaps? I think sarahlynn is right, if weight and nourishment is low, then it is hard for the motivation to be there. I think once that is corrected, you will have better thoughts and will have more clear thinking and it will get easier. I have been there a few times before. It is true! You can do it. We both can.

  4. I had similar experiences with Prozac. I just felt...not there. Like everything was a dream. The up periods were major reliefs, but the down periods were brutal. And my weight got so low while I was on it, I began having memory lapses which is when they took me off.

    At any rate, I think we all struggle with wanting to recover for other people before we truly want to recover for ourselves. I guess it's because we're "comfortable" (ED LIE #468), and then we feel incredibly guilty when we realize that everyone around us that we care about lives in permanent distress, worry, and fear. I say: USE the external motivation and use it without guilt. If it's a thread strong enough to keep you holding on, then utilize it to the best of your ability. At least it's SOMETHING to keep you motivated. And that's what people with an ED have to do...find a series of somethings to keep holding on to. I personally live from one something to the next, and, most of the time, they are external as well, focused around what I feel others want for me, focused around what I feel would make others happy.

    And always remember that it takes a certain amount of refeeding to change the brain chemistry of a malnourished mind. Maybe, if you keep going from one external motivator to the next and continue to do well, you'll slowly begin to uncover an internal motivator somewhere inside.

    You deserve recovery, a life free of your ED. And I have faith that one day, you'll see you deserve it and will finally want it, too, for YOU.

    Much love.

  5. My motivation right now to not go back to the hospital I was there for five days. I have what they ITP its affects your platelets and blood clotting this had nothing to do with my ed but im still under weight and doctor who is so great wants me to put on some weight so I can be strong enough to have surgery I have to have my spleen removed. These last days I have had to do alot of thinking about my life and how to beat this monster I have to change and thats a scary thing I dont know what life is without my ed I know I cant keep going on like this and like you said its about getting better for other people and when will I want to get better for me? That might take awhile but I think I do want this for
    me. I hope that you are doing ok xoxo bre

  6. heya! i totally can relate. all my motivation to recover has always come from external sources: my dog, my family, etc...none of it comes from me. i don't care to recover for myself...its for those who love me that i care to recover...and you know what? that's okay. as long as you harness what encourages you to recover, be it even the external sources, you just need to "fake it till you make it" (common recovery saying). by "faking it," you know, just by going along with recovery for other people and motivators, you will eventually be healhty enough were you get to a place and "make it," and actually want the recovery for yourself. like everyone above pretty well said, just USE what your motivation is right now, even though it isn't coming from you. that is OKAY...and more than okay. you will want recovery FOR YOU when you start feeling better and are more separated from the disorder. im sure a great % of people trying to recover from ED are motivated externally to get better, but throughout the process, they learn more about themselves, get healthier, AND THEN are motivated externally AND internally. you can't always expect to want it for yourself. i would have tried to end my life but i am motivated externally (by those that love me) not to do so. and i harness that...and i am still here. i am not happy, and i do not want to be here...but i do not want to put that burden of inexistence on my parents and siblings...so until i want to be here, i am comforted in keeping the external motivation going. whatever gets you there miss ragan...whatever gets you there...just use it. xoxo andie

  7. Along with everyone else, I, too, struggle with this. Not having the motivation for myself right now; just wanting to 'please' everyone and become healthier and better, so they worry less and not focus on me. I hate having attention on me, it makes me feel sick. I hate being a burden on my family. And that right now is a main motivation. Which isn't how it should be. But right now, I am just going with that motivation.
    Please take care of yourself love.xo