Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Mourning Anorexic Me

Thank you so much for all your comments and insight! It's really helped me and given me some perspective. I've had a rough two days and I can't believe it but I actually ran out of my ProZac last week and FORGOT about it. No wonder my emotions have been everywhere the past two days! I'm getting a refill today so back to 60mg. I hate being on meds, to be honest. I wish I didn't have to rely on them, but they do help me function and that's what's important.

I know this sounds kind of lame, but I've actually been going through the mourning process of losing an anorexic body. Yes, I've only been eating very well the past week, but I've been trying to eat more in general the last month and as a result, I've gained five pounds. OKAY, I KNOW! Five pounds isn't exactly a lot, but it is when you're me or probably any eating disordered person. Bones don't stick out as much. There's a bit more "padding." I feel like a dinner table that's had it's extension pieces brought out so more people can fit around the table. 

I feel sad. I feel like I lost someone or something important to me. It's letting go of something that's been a part of my identity. In a way, I'm letting go of a part of me. Yes, it was a part of me that was like a limb infected, ridden with festering wounds. It's a part of me that NEEDED to be severed to protect to rest of me. 

But it doesn't make it any easier. I'm sure this feeling of loss will continue as I further my recovery...but I wasn't expecting to feel it so soon. 


  1. Yeah, it's crazy how soon the feelings like that set in :( Just remember that the part of you that you feel you are losing is the part that has been keeping you genuinely lost from everything you want to be and from what you could ultimately obtain in your life if you were recvoered. You can never fully be who God intended you to be with your ED!

    When I was in treatment (round one) and had this feeling of loss for the first time during weight restoration, I felt really bad because I had to keep telling myself, "My eating disorders will ALWAYS be there for me and I can ALWAYS go back...I just don't WANT to, I don't WANT to, I don't WANT to." I felt like it was a really negative way to think, but my therapist said that (a) it's a true statement because my EDs WILL always be there, and it was a good way to remember that recovery was going to be difficult and uncomfortable and something I was going to have fight for and maintain...and (b) me simply telling myself that I don't want to go back (even on the days I honestly did) was a superb way to slowly regain my control over the dominating force of my ED. The whole, "I CAN, but I WON'T, and YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" thought was crucial to me then.

    So I began to tell myself that I WASN'T "losing" my EDs; I was taking back my control. I was just in the process of shutting them the hell up so that I could live my life by my own rules and how I wanted.

    I think I read this in "The Rules of Normal Eating" (if you haven't read it, which I'm sure you probably have, it is a MUST read), but it said that if you don't feel uncomfortable, you won't be able to change. I had to keep remembering that, too!!! What's uncomfortable now will soon become comfortable...and that new comfortable will become the new norm. Which mean...it's gets easier <3

    I commend your progress thus far in every aspect...please hang in there!!!

  2. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOTT! VEGANISM, VEGANISM, VEGANISM!!! So proud keep it up! this is arguably the best step forward n ur entire recovery process!! Sorry I sound like a retarded cheerleader but this is AWESOME!! Keep at it! 5678 who do we apreciate?!?!?!? RAGAN YEAH YEAH YEAH RAGAN!!! ;) xoxo-that weird stalker chick who has no life (GO RAGAN!!) ;) :D