Finally I can tell you beautiful people I'm doing great! I've eaten throughout the day, a decent amount, and kept everything. I haven't purged once. I think I've found what works for me and I'm really excited about this new journey of health I've just begun!
For the past month, I've been considering becoming a vegan. I've never liked meat, rarely eat it, and the only animal product I have on a regular basis is yogurt. Ironically, the only thing that's been holding me back IS my eating disorder. It's hard to explain, but just know choosing veganism is not something fueled by my eating disorder, but rather my desire to take care of my body.
I feel good about myself when I eat something I know is treating my body with kindness and nourishing it. For instance, having nuts and seeds with dried apricots freaks my eating disorder out because of the calorie density and high fat content of the nuts. In fact, VEGGIES and FRUIT freak my ED out because they make me feel full. I hardly ever keep veggies down! But I know it's nutritionally beneficial. Once I decided I'm going to fully dedicate myself to veganism, it's like I gave myself permission to eat again, because it FEELS healthy.
I don't know if what I'm doing is wrong or right. Maybe it is eating disordered. But I'm actually eating, not purging, and for once, I'm not worried about the scale or losing weight. I'm completely focused on feeding my body the nutrients it desires with the best foods possible. Once I've been consistently eating and not purging, I'm going to start working out again. I'm EXCITED. I feel like I found the loophole of getting out of this eating disorder and have hope this might actually work!
I'm dedicating myself to veganism until Easter as a trial period. I'm not doing veganism for ethical reasons, but rather for dietary reasons and as a step towards health. I might stay with veganism, or I might expand my diet again back to yogurts and some seafoods. I'm not doing it for the label. I'm doing it for health. The label just helps me get out of the eating disorder label and back into something less self-destructive. The label gives me permission to eat, if that makes sense. It's what I need, if only temporarily.