I woke up this morning feeling like the scum of the earth. I have so many medical bills and no money to pay them. I have someone mad at me at work and I'm not entirely innocent. I did make a mistake and I will apologize. I've run out of meds and haven't gotten more. My room is a mess. I've eaten all the food I bought YESTERDAY for this week. I'm sadly USED to purging multiple times a day, as in I don't even feel guilty about it anymore. It's just..."normal." I literally feel and believe I weigh what I did when I was my heaviest. Logically I know it's over forty pounds more than I weigh right now, but I swear my scale is wrong.
Everything feels so out of control. Too much. I can't handle it. I don't know how. I hate that I've turned to food to soothe my anxiety, instead of turning away from it. I know that sounds messed up, but there's so much shame in eating, yet I crave it.
I cut today too. I've been wanting to cut for a long time but have been fighting the urge. Today the overwhelming amount of self-hatred seemed too much to handle.
How am I going to face tomorrow? How am I going to handle the inevitable confrontation waiting for me at work?
You know that part in Lord of the Rings where Frodo has been stabbed by one of the Nazgul and was turning into one of them? The elven princess, Arwen, rushes him to Rivendell and they're able to heal him. He wakes up in this beautiful place, full of light. It's so peaceful and all the pain and worries seem to be distant, just a memory.
Yes, I'm a complete dork, but when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I find myself replaying that scene in my head and imagining it's me waking up in an elven city. Wouldn't that be lovely?