Sunday, March 11, 2012

Take Me To The Elves

I woke up this morning feeling like the scum of the earth. I have so many medical bills and no money to pay them. I have someone mad at me at work and I'm not entirely innocent. I did make a mistake and I will apologize. I've run out of meds and haven't gotten more. My room is a mess. I've eaten all the food I bought YESTERDAY for this week. I'm sadly USED to purging multiple times a day, as in I don't even feel guilty about it anymore. It's just..."normal." I literally feel and believe I weigh what I did when I was my heaviest. Logically I know it's over forty pounds more than I weigh right now, but I swear my scale is wrong.

Everything feels so out of control. Too much. I can't handle it. I don't know how. I hate that I've turned to food to soothe my anxiety, instead of turning away from it. I know that sounds messed up, but there's so much shame in eating, yet I crave it.

I cut today too. I've been wanting to cut for a long time but have been fighting the urge. Today the overwhelming amount of self-hatred seemed too much to handle.

 How am I going to face tomorrow? How am I going to handle the inevitable confrontation waiting for me at work?

You know that part in Lord of the Rings where Frodo has been stabbed by one of the Nazgul and was turning into one of them? The elven princess, Arwen, rushes him to Rivendell and they're able to heal him. He wakes up in this beautiful place, full of light. It's so peaceful and all the pain and worries seem to be distant, just a memory.

Yes, I'm a complete dork, but when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I find myself replaying that scene in my head and imagining it's me waking up in an elven city. Wouldn't that be lovely?


  1. Hugs to you, it would be nice to go to that place, no worries, no pain.
    What ever you have to handle at work you'll be ok everyone tells me when I have a confrontation, etc they tell me to breathe. I cant tell you what to say or what happen but all I can do is to just think of me and all your friends (bloggers) that we are here, i'm here and tomorrow will be ok, I believe you can handle it (if you don't believe that, thats ok) email me to just rant (if you want). And you're not a dork I love Lord of the rings (extended versions , has to be it's the best) me and my sister watch it every december and cant wait for the hobbit.
    good luck tomorrow, I will be thinking about you.
    xoxo bre

  2. Omg I TOTALLY DO THAT. Like, literally, same scene. But then I long ago plunged myself into the world of fanfiction, and it's a bad habit to break once your imagination latches onto the idea xD LOL.
    Sorry to hear you've got so much weighing on you at the moment, I definitely know the feeling as I have been battling with it myself lately. I haven't really got any advice, but know that you're not alone and we understand! Sending much love your way xxxxxx

  3. Hey sweetpea! i totally sympathize with you! and feel the same way! ive been fighting the urge to cut for weeks bc i feel worthless, and yesterday i was so close to doing it, but i used food to cope...which is what ive been doing for the last 8 years of my life. i love and hate food...i love and hate eating and then purging. i totally get where you're coming from, and it is hard as hell. i am USED to purging multiple times a day as well...i don't even blink an eye...i don't feel bad or guilty terms of the last week i was battling btween two job opps and accepted one a week ago and today i had to tell the other one that i found another. HARD AS HELL. work stuff is so hard...and i wish you well with whatever you need to settle...i feel guilty for having to tell this manager that i accepted another job...i feel like i disappointed him...and my family tells me "i had a choice" (oh gosh, i hate choices!) and that he doesn't care if i didn't accept...but i care more about other ppl than i do about is what is is....and i feel like i failed that employer...and it sucks...i feel like we are EXACTLY in the same room has been a mess for weeks...i haven't seen my doc in weeks...i feel like if i go, ill fail her i have appts that i just don't go to...i don't take my meds anymore...i eat all the food in my house, even if it isn't never food is always "safe" i eat my fams food (ie. binge food)...i haven't weighed myself in weeks bc im terrified! what do we do, rae???? what??? lol...well, not lol...but lol too at the same time...i feel so "scummy" that i need to "laugh"...let's go to our special places...i hope you don't feel "scummy," bc you are anything but that...i respect you and i know you are i happens...just keep can only do as much as you can....xoxo much love...andie