Saturday, March 31, 2012

I Must Rant

I got on the scale this morning. Before I get critiqued for even getting on a scale, I know I shouldn't. I'm addicted to the scale and haven't managed to give it up, especially right now when I'm eating regularly and gaining weight. I feel as though I have to know. 

I gained another pound. That makes nine pounds in the last month. It's hard to remind myself that I'm supposed to be gaining weight. I feel horrible. I want to freak out. I want to cut back. I want to harm myself. I want to be self-destructive. My emotions are everywhere. I hate this. I hate weight gain. I hate feeling the difference in my body. 

Knowing these feelings won't last helps a bit, but right now it's hard to see past the numbers. I just needed to get it out. To say I'm not okay with it. I'll let it happen. I'll gain the weight until I'm weight restored. But I'm not happy about it. Not yet anyways. 


  1. Totally understand this Rae,it is so very hard to accept the change in our bodies. But we have to remember however big and uncomfortable we feel,its not reality. The fact is we are still underweight and NEED to gain and that wont make us fat,it will make us HEALTHY. Its very hard though as we are used to ourbodies being at such low weights. Im here for u anytime sweetie,hang in there,u are doing the right thing xxx

  2. I think it's great that you are venting here instead of taking the frustration out on yourself. (wish I was able to do that more often...)

    You are very strong. I believe that you'll be able to beat the ED monster! xxx