Thursday, March 22, 2012

My Name Is NOT Skinny

Today's been a great day! When I say great, I don't mean everything went wonderfully and everyone was so so happy and got along with each other. What I AM saying is I dealt with the highs and lows of a normal day in a normal life without resorting to Ed. Don't think I wasn't tempted. I seriously considered it more than once. But the second I noticed I was entertaining eating disordered thoughts, I redirected my attention to something else and immersed myself in it. 

Woke up incredibly LATE and could have easily "not had time" to eat breakfast, but I managed to eat something that followed my meal plan on the go. I woke up to three inches of SNOW outside too! SERIOUSLY?! It's spring. Stop snowing already! 

Bad body image day. Felt like everything was too tight and everyone could tell. The vibe at work was kind of weird too, but I tried to not let it affect me, or at least affect my eating. Then a coworker had to take care of a sick kid, so I ended up doing my job and her job today. Kept me busy and out of trouble so I'm not complaining! OH and TMI but there was blood in my stool and I almost freaked out. I'm finally consistently doing well and NOW I have blood in my stool?! 

And now the part that really upset me today. One of my coworkers came up to me and said, "Hey Skinny!" I'm enough in a recovered mindset that this comment did not make me even the least bit happy. It made me kind of angry. Ed wants me to find my identity in thinness, so when people are also identifying by how thin/not thin I am, I get kind of pissed. I mean, what's she going to say when I'm healthy? I don't want to be identified by thinness because when I inevitably gain weight as I recover, I feel like I'm letting people down. Which is EXACTLY what Ed wants to happen. 

Oh haha, and you know when you're starting to regain your healthy status and your stomach is GINORMOUS?! Yes. I could probably pass as pregnant. Strangely, I'm okay with it. Yes, it sucks BUT at least it's a healthy baby right? :P Seriously though, I'm okay with it as long as I know it's a good thing and it means I'm taking care of my body. 

I'm thinking of making a post about what I eat in a day, especially now I'm on a vegan diet. Maybe I can dispel any worry I'm living off of celery and carrots. I really want to show you guys how diverse my vegan meal plan truly is!


  1. Congratulations on everything! Knew you could (and can continue) to overcome these obstacles! <3

    LOL, the "ED BABY BELLY"! The best thing about that is, like a REAL baby belly, it's TEMPORARY. You'll healthily even out later on down the road, which I know you know. So glad to hear you're dealing with it well!

    Please DO share your vegan regimen :)

  2. PS: But NOT congrats on the blood in your stool! I would definitely have that checked out as SOON as possible, it is not something to take lightly. I had blood in my stool a few months ago due to laxative abuse, and it was bleeding enough to cause anemia (which I'm having a hard time correcting). My doctor told me that it could have been anything making me bleed, though, from an ulcer to a tear in my intestines to cancer. Please, please, please go see your DR as soon as you can to get anything serious/life-threatening ruled out.

  3. I'd totally take a food baby bump over the very real baby bump I have right now! It's much more temporary. Totally excited about having a baby, but I'd advise recovering *before* getting pregnant rather than attempting to do both simultaneously as I've done.

    I occasionally have blood in my stool, but it tends to be related to failing to adhere to one of my medically necessary dietary restrictions. Get it checked out though!

  4. so proud of you for not wanting your identity to be about your size! you are def sounding to be in a more recovered mindset! and YES PLEASE!! share your meal a day in the life of rae's vegan lifestyle lol (i was gonna write diet, and then i was like ummmm bad word choice!)...xoxo a