Yesterday was quite horrible. I felt like I was going crazy and of course I forgot to bring my Xanax to work! My self esteem was at an all-time low because my face resembled that of Nanny McPhee's since my skin broke out this weekend. I thought I'd be safe when I got home from the desire to binge but it didn't stop there, and it continued until midnight (my cut-off time). At least I was bingeing on healthier food at home. My mom made me stay on the main floor with everyone because she knew I had been bingeing all day and didn't want me to purge. It annoyed me slightly, I know she was doing it to protect me. If only she knew my body was already protecting me from myself and I literally was unable to purge.
I think anorexics are black and white, all or nothing, and when we're in recovery, it's hard to find that balance. It's either we eat nothing or everything. At least that's how it is for me.
Seeing the weight gain on the scale this morning didn't freak me out like I thought it would. I accepted it. I binged an entire day and didn't gain 20 pounds. Yes, there was weight gain, but I didn't blow up like my ed mind kept imagining over and over. AND I DON'T FEEL GUILTY TODAY! I felt THIN today. What the heck?! Wasn't expecting that.
I'm seeing my dietician today and maybe she can help me figure out how to find this balance???
A list of what I ate because I'm curious (from 7am-12am):
-4 mini bagels with peanut butter and honey
-2 slices of dessert pizza
-10 chocolate chip cookies
-larabar (nuts and fruit)
-1/4 cup nutella
- 1 pk ritz crackers
-loads of graham crackers
-10 mini twix candy bars
-1/2 c sweet potato fries
-1/2 c baby carrots
-1cup steamed veggies
-1 cup mashed potato and celery root
-6 ounces tilapia fish
-1cup lettuce and tomatoes with balsamic
-hot chocolate with almond milk
-yogurt with pineapple slice
-2 coffees with cream and sugar
-2 pcs cake
-2 pcs cake
HOLY MOLY haha I feel like I ate more than that though. At least it was spread throughout the day. Yes, I know I definitely over-ate but looking at this list actually makes me feel even less guilty. HAHA my eating disorder is like,"WTF?! WHY ARE MY GUILT TACTICS NOT WORKING ON HER?!!!!"
POW POW. Yep. I'm a recovery ninja.