Thursday, February 9, 2012

Thursday: I didn't plan this.

I wasn't feeling well last night and still this morning, so I called into work sick for the first time ever at this job. My mom asked me what was wrong last night, and I told her my head felt like a 50 pound dumbbell and fatigued. She said it's because I'm not eating, which made me angry. By calling in sick, I felt like I was admitting I couldn't handle my job because of my eating disorder, and I'm not ready to admit that.

But my body decided to only confirm what I've been so stubbornly denying. I woke up and felt so weak. I finally gathered my energy and stumbled out of bed and downstairs. The fact my knees gave out on me when I tried walking didn't alarm me as much as it should have. I didn't think much of it.

All I wanted was a bagel with cream cheese and jam. I didn't want to binge, nothing else sounded good except a bagel. I finally gave in and had one. I don't know what happened after that. Maybe my body went on auto pilot again. I had another bagel. And then ten chocolate chip cookies someone made my brother. They've been in the pantry for quite some time now and I knew no one would miss them. They weren't even good- quite dry. I also had a large bowl of fruity pebbles cereal. Again, it didn't even sound good to me. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't craving sweets. Why was I still eating?

I thought I could simply purge and forget the whole incident like it never happened.

I physically couldn't purge. Again. I tried and tried and tried. I can live with bingeing on this amount. I proved I could do it Monday, I can do it again. I wasn't expecting my blood sugar to spike and then crash HARD. I haven't really eaten since Monday so I'm sure that only made things worse. It was "the oreo incident" all over again. I was passing out, shaking, heart racing, felt like I was going to die. I called Viv and she said something about my liver not being able to break down so much glucose after being denied of it. Then let's add in the physical pain of keeping a large amount of food when you haven't been eating. I felt so miserable, I laid out on our outdoor swing in 30 F weather hoping the cold would somehow snap me out of this hell.

I called my dad and told him what happened and actually ASKED him to check on me. You know I'm really not feeling good when I admit it to one of my parents. He checked on me and made me some eggbeaters because I thought maybe the protein would stabilize my blood sugar.

Needless to say, today has been a truly horrible day. I felt further fatigued and have been sleeping all day long. WHERE DID ALL MY ENERGY GO?! I felt too drained to text and too drained to move. I finally kicked my butt out of bed and took a bath, which I really didn't have the energy for but I was feeling stubborn.

I'm pretty sure those cookies I ate had gone bad. I feel like I'm going to throw up, WANT to throw up, have bile coming up, but when I try nothing comes. MISERABLE. Yes, I'm throwing a pity party for Ragan and you're all invited.

I can't imagine people at work would believe I'm doing so terrible today because of an eating disorder. It's almost comical- they think I'm just fine. Lucky because I'm thin. Healthy. Happy. Could they believe I've been wandering in and out of consciousness and barely have energy to walk down the hall? I don't want them to know. I'll show up at work tomorrow and act like everything is fine and no one will even suspect the truth. Coffee and sugar will keep me running, if my knees give out I'll hide it behind a naive ditzy smile and act like it was just clumsiness.

I've done it before, I'll do it again.


  1. please remember your "pow-pow" plan! if you don't want to go to treatment, and don't want involuntary hospitalization, you gotta stick to pow-pow! i know it's easier said than done of course...but before you know it, your parents will be pushing you to go to treatment or else your doc/dietician will want to hospitalize you! i hope you are doing better now tho! don't discount this experience! use it as a lesson to be learned! xoxo a

  2. I am so sorry that you went through this, and after today, I can COMPLETELY relate to the work thing. I don't mean to sound "nurse-ish" (although I DO have a BS in Nursing ;P), but your symptoms were really troubling to read. I have ALSO read your KICK ASS blog entries/tweets/watched your victorious videos so I know that YOU know that you can pull yourself out of this, in some way!! Even if you have to "resort" to a higher LOC (which I am planning to do-iop-hopefully!!), it is not a sign of weakness of lack of trying. Like you have said before, you are fighting like hell, making yourself accountable to others (ie-Superbowl), and acknowledging your accomplishments in recovery. You can do it...I know you can :)

    1. I'm doing my best to remember those victories and that I'm not a hopeless cause. Thank you so so much for believing in me! ahh...ok, so what's worrying about my symptoms? Just wondering lol.

  3. Do u think it's bttr if they don't know (at ur work) it sounds like u hav a boy who cried wolf scenario starting. Think about it, u blame it on clumsines when ur knees give out and when u pass out and start convulsing and foaming blood at the mouth and they go "o, teetery totery ragan there she goes again;)" yeahhhhhh that's not gonna blow up n ur face at ALL *sarcasm*. I can understand not wanting everyone 2 know but tell 1 person who u deem "trust worthy" (choose carefully we don't want a repeat uv last time) and THEN when u begin convulsing someone actually starts performing heart palpitations (is that the right word… hmmmmm, but u get the point) as always STAY STRONG!! :D