Friday, February 10, 2012

The Invisible Line

I overate tonight. For so long, my automatic response to overeating was to purge. No second thoughts, not even a moments pause. It seems almost natural. There's an invisible line I come to when I'm eating food. Eating one more bite of something might push me over that line and then purging is an automatic response. There's no doubt in my mind that purging must follow if the line is crossed.

I won't bother you all with the list of what I ate. I felt okay with everything I consumed until I had something I was craving- that damn bagel again with cream cheese and strawberry jam. I let myself have what I was craving, even though I had eaten enough already which threw me into dangerous territory. After I ate my bagel, I wanted another one but I KNEW I'd be crossing that invisible line and would "have" to purge if I had another bagel. 

I couldn't stop thinking about it, the temptation was almost too much to resist. I distracted myself by washing my face (and picking at it, which is a horrible habit). I walked downstairs to the kitchen, found the bagels and held them in my hand, standing there suspended in time. I don't know how long I stood there with those bagels in my hand, tiptoeing the invisible line. I finally decided it wasn't worth it. My body was telling me it was full and didn't need more food. It also told me if I decided to eat the bagel and purge, it might be too much on my body, which has been in a fragile state.

I threw the bagels in the pantry and without giving myself a chance to change my mind, went upstairs to brush my teeth and get in bed. 


Don't get me wrong, I'm still struggling with the fact I overate and actually didn't purge. But I feel as though I'm out of the danger zone. I'll be okay. I'll deal with the bad body image. I'll deal with the possible weight gain *shudder* The point is, I was able to stop myself, pause and THINK about what I was about to do, instead of going on autopilot. 

I think, just maybe, I'm making progress :)


  1. Woop woop. You go with the victory pow pow!!
    And the most important part of this post is the last major paragraph. I am proud of you lovely. It's all about making progress. xo

  2. You inspire me. In the victories and in the defeats. You are a light my sweet friend. Shine on beautiful girl, shine on!
    <3 xo

  3. Great job! I know, albeit mostly only second hand, how hard it is to 1) walk away from additional intake and 2) NOT purge, despite the overfull feeling. Just having the presence of mind to realize what's happening is a big step.

    Keep strong!

  4. hey missy! firstly, definitely a step in the right direction! just getting the bagels "out of sight and out of mind" was a great idea! and kudos for not purging! go team! lol. and just in response to your msg on my page (im not sure if you would get a notification that i responded if i did so on my page...would you?? im not exactly sure how this all works yet!), i do not believe we are fb friends! i watch your youtube vids and read your blog religiously bc i love the way you talk/write and love experiences your victories with you! and i love your insight and the fight you have in you...ummm ummmm im not even sure what your fb is bc i know "ragan mae" is like an edwards isn't my real name...its kinda a name i came up with eons ago bc i love the name andie and i wanted to hide behind another name when discussing my eating disorder. my regular fb, i feel, keeps the real me hidden. i barely ever talk about anything eating disorder related there lol. but my facebook is under "Erika Ycas" which is my real name lol. I had an "Andie Edwards" facebook where i talked eating disorder stuff with one of my eating disorder family and some close friends obv know my eating issues, but i try to keep it from the facebook world! lol...i know...long...rambling...repsonse. anyway, if you're up to it, look me up and add me! it would be great to have you on fb, i just don't know what to look you us as! lol xoxo a

  5. ***look you up as! sorry for the error!! xoxo a

  6. this has nothing to do with this post, but i just wanted to let you know how inspiring you are. i just finished reading your blog from the first post, to this one, and the fact you've made it so far is so incredibly encouraging. at the moment i'm in the depths of my disorder, but although i see that you struggle every day, knowing that maybe in the future i can have a life that doesnt focus purely around food gives me hope. although you may not see it, though i hope you do, from reading your posts i think it's pretty evident that you're an amazing person and i hope your recovery continues and you regain health and happiness completely. i'm sorry if this seems really random, i just really wanted to let you know how i feel. continue doing as you are and i hope you kick your eating disorder's butt. becca, xo.

  7. there you go!! :) i think that's a perfect success. i agree that you're making a lot of progress, and it doesn't happen overnight.. but slow progress is still progress! plus i think what's great is that it's not just that you didn't purge, it's that you were able to change what you had done previously... and not substitute not purging with more restriction, exercising, or more bingeing. good for you!!! :)