I won't bother you all with the list of what I ate. I felt okay with everything I consumed until I had something I was craving- that damn bagel again with cream cheese and strawberry jam. I let myself have what I was craving, even though I had eaten enough already which threw me into dangerous territory. After I ate my bagel, I wanted another one but I KNEW I'd be crossing that invisible line and would "have" to purge if I had another bagel.
I couldn't stop thinking about it, the temptation was almost too much to resist. I distracted myself by washing my face (and picking at it, which is a horrible habit). I walked downstairs to the kitchen, found the bagels and held them in my hand, standing there suspended in time. I don't know how long I stood there with those bagels in my hand, tiptoeing the invisible line. I finally decided it wasn't worth it. My body was telling me it was full and didn't need more food. It also told me if I decided to eat the bagel and purge, it might be too much on my body, which has been in a fragile state.
I threw the bagels in the pantry and without giving myself a chance to change my mind, went upstairs to brush my teeth and get in bed.
VICTORY!!! POW POW! I TOLD ED NO RECOVERY NINJA STYLE!
Don't get me wrong, I'm still struggling with the fact I overate and actually didn't purge. But I feel as though I'm out of the danger zone. I'll be okay. I'll deal with the bad body image. I'll deal with the possible weight gain *shudder* The point is, I was able to stop myself, pause and THINK about what I was about to do, instead of going on autopilot.
I think, just maybe, I'm making progress :)