Thursday, February 16, 2012

Day One of "The Plan"

I'm okay! I did feel quite funny and I think it might have been the whole blood sugar spiking and then crashing thing. I seem to not do well with the sudden onslaught of food in my system when I've been depriving it of anything nutritionally substantial. I also drank a huge glass of gatorade, considering I was also dehydrated from purging so often. 

I emailed my therapist last night, as was planned, my meal plan. For the next seven days I'm supposed to email her my meal plans and text her every time I eat something, whether it went well or not. I actually learned a good deal.

1. I freak out when I have food that was NOT planned beforehand. But I was able to sit with it and be okay.
2. I realized I really do use food and purging as a means to deal with my feelings and numb out. Those negative thoughts and anxiety were much stronger when I was abstaining from purging. I kind of heard this was the truth but never really believed it applied to me until today. 

I kept eating unplanned things, because I felt extremely hungry, which was frustrating because it made me angry with myself. STICK TO THE PLAN. I think the scariest part was, I started to feel normal. Why do I envy normalcy but fear it at the same time? I honestly don't know. I've found myself exploring my emotions this week and the more I've looked into how I feel, the more I realize I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and emotions. It's confusing. It's even more confusing to attempt explaining it to my treatment team. I feel like I'm trying to unravel a terribly knotted ball of yarn. 

Strangely, I don't think I'm more productive at work when I'm not using behaviors to cope. You'd think it'd be the opposite, but I somehow manage to fit in little binge and purge episodes in between getting work done, and STILL get the same amount done. huh...that can't last too long though, can it? I mean, it'll catch up to me eventually.

I was feeling so POSITIVE and like I can do this! I was like, I'm going to not purge for the next seven days, I'm not going to weigh myself, I'm going to stick to my meal plan...very ambitious.

And then the poop hit the fan. I came home to a messy house and messy kitchen which somehow raised my anxiety level ten notches. My brother was a little brat while simultaneously invading my space and not listening to a word when I said STAY OUT OF MY BUBBLE! I ate my planned dinner. Felt too much. And I "made everything better." What I mean to say is, I made all those bad emotions go away. I numbed out. I ate more. Purged. I felt better. I hate to say it, but I felt better.

Better and hopeless. How am I going to escape this cycle? There's so many feelings, I feel overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to face these feelings every day. It just seems like TOO MUCH. 


  1. I have done the emailing the Therapist thing. It always helped me. I hope this works for you. I relate to what you say about envying normalcy but fearing it to. I am stuck in that place right now! I am trying so hard to get on my plan, but I am finding myself with urges all the frustrating. I am glad you are exploring the emotions. I struggle with anxiety to. I can relate to your experience! Take a deep breath and take care of yourself! Sending hugs and support your way!

  2. hey,
    i watch your youtube and have been going through the same things....treatment, coming home....job...trying to keep up with my "plan" and being told that i need a higher level of care if i don't get things together....being asked if i want recovery. the last question asked to me was recent and is tearing me apart because i want to and want a good's just i have problems with asking for help, money issues, not wanting to disappoint people...but ED is coming back strong in my head and i'm constantly confused. i feel hopeless at times, and like right now i really want to try and prove myself so i don't have to screw things up with my job and family with a higher level of care.
    i don't know, i've been home since mid-december from treatment after being there for 3 months and had to leave earlier than they wanted me to because of insurance. i just totally relate to your struggles and i hope you ( and hopefully me) can just try our best to conquer ED.
    wish i knew you in real life because i think we would be good friends apart from our ED's. much love xoxoxox

    1. Sounds like we're in a very similar place! Oh man, I would never wish this on anyone but at the same time, it's nice to know I'm not the only one experiencing this shitty place. If you ever want to chat or email me, my email is Much love to you!

  3. What I think I need is 2 days uv sleep like flat out. And when I wake up take one more day and take a 2 hour shower make itself look pretty and smell good and go out and just HAVE FUN. What ever u find fun, reading at the beach, watching a movie w/ friends, or throw a party. But seriously u need a couple days off! ;) as usual stay strong!!