Sunday, February 19, 2012

Honesty Time

I wish I could write about how awesome I've been doing and how I'm in recovery and it's a beautiful thing. I wish I wouldn't let people down.

This weekend didn't go so well. I didn't enjoy any part of it, and my eating disorder ran rampant. It's to the point now where keeping anything down is a challenge. How did I get here again? I'm supposed to be living my life FREE of this disease.

I just want to curl into a ball and have someone stroke my hair and cuddle. I want to be told everything will be okay.

I think actually FEELING things on Thursday really freaked me out, because I've completely numbed myself ever since. If I begin feeling something at any moment, I'll use behaviors to numb out. Why is feeling things so scary??


  1. Feelings are scary when you are not used to them. But they are ok and normal! Just let them out! Keep writing about them. Share them. You are doing good to get them out. It will be ok. I understand what you are talking about. I use behaviors to numb things and i do not like feelings and sometimes do not even know what feelings are! But, the more I let the feelings out, eventually the better it is. Keep fighting!

  2. Feelings are definitely scary - especially when we doubt out ability to handle them, right? You can do it :) Just takes some practice and getting used to. You will be okay. xo Erin

  3. I feel you so very much with this. I get tired of trying so hard sometimes with this all. (not that I want to give up but it 's so tiring) I know for me I just really appreciate your honesty because it's just that- so real. I really appreciate you. I wish i could offer you a hug or take you to get coffee or something. You are a great person. Hang in there. Thinking and praying for you. xx Jalynn

  4. The only time ur letting anybody down is when u give up. and u have obviously not given up. Recovery isn't easy and it's not just a straight ride up 2 the top. It's a roller coaster u hav ur ups and ur down. (hmmmmmmmmmm where have I heard that b4……...........…YOU!!!) just don't give up. And this may seem crazy and stupid But maybe u could hire a nurse 2 watch u like all the time like an inpatient treatment in ur own environment. Ur probably laughing ur butt off asking what they feed 11-year-olds these day (nothing above 800 cals a day) but seriously think about it what if u hired someone to forbid u from binging and purging and from going off meal plans. It could b helpful.......;) yeah I knew it was a stupid idea b4 I put it down. STAY STRONG!!!!:D

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  6. If recovery feels like you're on a straight road where all is going perfect and according to plan and it's easy - then you're not recovering! This "roller coaster" is (as) normal (as it could be in this fight). You just have to hang on.

    There's two ways you can deal with the roller coaster ride: you can close your eyes and deny that you're on your way down can be honest with yourself, acknowledge the situation for what it is, and admit that you're not doing too well right now. There's nothing wrong with admitting that your still struggling. If you say this out loud to someone else - even better. You deserve support.

    If you follow through with the latter of those two options, it proves you're still in recovery because you refuse to be in denial, and that's YOU taking what you feel is a weakness and turning it into a strength. Admitting that you're not doing well is another strike against your eating disorder because, let's face it - if it were up to our EDs, we wouldn't feel guilty at all during our periods of not making progress.

    And please don't ever feel like your recovery has to be rushed. I was in treatment for six weeks before my family and friends started asking, "Are you better yet? Are you better yet?" It made me feel HORRIBLE, like I wasn't trying hard enough or getting better fast enough and, eventually, I went into a relapse that I'm really struggling to get out of. Recovery is going to take a looooong time. Months, if you are lucky, but most likely years. And always remember that there is no "point" in recovery that you reach and then you're just okay for the rest of your life; recovery is a maintenance process. Just continue to embrace your treatment team and recovery tools, and never let go of your dream to live a life free of your eating disorder. Because what you - and I - are doing's not living.

    I found you on YouTube and started following you on here because I love me some Blogspot! :) I think you're amazing and strong, and I'm rooting for you the whole way <3

    PS: Deleted previous comment due to typos. LAME! =D