I have an idea of where I want to go in life and what I want to do. However, there's this big gap between where I want to be and where I am. I don't know how to breach that gap...one of the biggest things that's going to need to change is my weight. Weight restoration is necessary for recovery and also for further therapy. My mind isn't given the proper nutrition to really make strides in therapy. What became clear to everyone though is I'm not willing and/or unable to restore weight on my own. They all think it's necessary I go to some kind of more intense outpatient, residential, or inpatient treatment. The biggest question is what will my insurance cover.
I told my team I really want to do this at home and not have to leave my city and job for more treatment. Not only is it an insurance and money issue, it's my desire to stay out of IOP. I don't know if we really came to any solid conclusions concerning what exactly the future holds for me, but we did come up with some concrete goals and things I can do at present.
1. Get back to Dr.White about what's really going on in my head and what the voices are saying when I'm alone, so he can see if he can do anything with my medication.
2. Starting Thursday for seven days, planning when and what I'm going to eat ahead of time and emailing Monique the plan. After I eat, I'll text Monique, even if it's to say I didn't eat or purged.
3. I'll start seeing Viv twice a week and most likely, Monique twice a week as well.
4. Look into treatment options and if I can take medical leave, most likely in March sometimes. See what my insurance covers where, and find out what (if anything) can work.
Ugh. I'm surprised I didn't put up more of a fight about more intensive treatment. Maybe because it seems like a distant and unlikely thing. They've been talking about it for months, since November, and nothing has come of it so I'm not too worried. At least not yet.
Can I really start eating though? And keeping it? Can I really do this whole weight gain thing without more intensive treatment? I want to say yes. I want to believe in myself. But when it comes down to it and words have to turn into actions, I'm not really sure I'm willing. That scares me. Where do I go from here??