Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Team Meeting

I had a team meeting early this morning with my dietician (Viv,) therapist (Monique), and PCP (Dr.White). For most of the meeting I felt confused. I felt like we were going around in circles. They kept turning questions back onto me and I struggled to convey the mixed emotions and thoughts I've been having lately. The main goal of this get together was that treatment the way it is now isn't working and something needs to change. 

I have an idea of where I want to go in life and what I want to do. However, there's this big gap between where I want to be and where I am. I don't know how to breach that gap...one of the biggest things that's going to need to change is my weight. Weight restoration is necessary for recovery and also for further therapy. My mind isn't given the proper nutrition to really make strides in therapy. What became clear to everyone though is I'm not willing and/or unable to restore weight on my own. They all think it's necessary I go to some kind of more intense outpatient, residential, or inpatient treatment. The biggest question is what will my insurance cover. 

I told my team I really want to do this at home and not have to leave my city and job for more treatment. Not only is it an insurance and money issue, it's my desire to stay out of IOP. I don't know if we really came to any solid conclusions concerning what exactly the future holds for me, but we did come up with some concrete goals and things I can do at present.

1. Get back to Dr.White about what's really going on in my head and what the voices are saying when I'm alone, so he can see if he can do anything with my medication.
2. Starting Thursday for seven days, planning when and what I'm going to eat ahead of time and emailing Monique the plan. After I eat, I'll text Monique, even if it's to say I didn't eat or purged. 
3. I'll start seeing Viv twice a week and most likely, Monique twice a week as well.
4. Look into treatment options and if I can take medical leave, most likely in March sometimes. See what my insurance covers where, and find out what (if anything) can work.

Ugh. I'm surprised I didn't put up more of a fight about more intensive treatment. Maybe because it seems like a distant and unlikely thing. They've been talking about it for months, since November, and nothing has come of it so I'm not too worried. At least not yet. 

Can I really start eating though? And keeping it? Can I really do this whole weight gain thing without more intensive treatment? I want to say yes. I want to believe in myself. But when it comes down to it and  words have to turn into actions, I'm not really sure I'm willing. That scares me. Where do I go from here??


  1. hey lovely! to be honest, sometimes you just need to bite the bullet! you are aware that you cannot gain the weight on your own...that is the first bit. no matter how hard you try, from what i have read in your blogs the last week or so, you seem to waver between restricting and binging and/or purging (i'm no different at this moment in time...except for being at my highest weight...its always easier to give advice tho, eh??). if i was underweight, i know i would have issues gaining the weight on my own. when i was in that situation, i went into an eating disorder day hospital program because i knew i wouldn't be able to do it on my own. listen to your brain and to your heart; if you are struggling to do it on your own, seek some assistance. i know you love being where you are and your job, but ED will always hold you back and paralyze you. weight gain is one of the hardest things to do, but to get where you "want to be," it needs to be done. so just remember, if you believe you can't do it own your own, which you pseudo-confirmed, seriously think about another route to achieve recovery. you were so strong with your pow-pow-ninja (lol), and you made strong plans, but carrying them out the days that followed proved very challenging. we all need a little help sometimes :) hope you come up with a plan that works for you! xoxo a

    1. Wait r u THE andie the one that goes 2 group therapy w/ raegon (srry about the spelling uv names I'm a failure when it comes 2 perfection, it hurts 2 admit that.) but…yeahhhh just wondering and STAY STRONG!!!!!(both uv u)

  2. Have you checked out Shan Larter and her Freedom plan? It might be worth glancing at. Good luck!

  3. Sending you all of the love I have, lovely one. You can do this; you have proven this many times on here and in your videos. You just have to get back there and with your team, us here and you, we can do it together. It is going to be hard and scary, but you know it will be. You have all of us believing in you.
    And I totally second what andie said.
    Lots of love xox

  4. Leaving my job for Day Treatment/IOP was the best thing I ever did. Looking back it was my ED using my job as an excuse to hold on to me and waste more of my life. I think I'd still be making minimal if any progress at home if I hadn't have gone to a higher level of care. I've been where you are, and I have come to the other side. Recovery is totally possible. Be the brave girl eating that I know you can be. Give Ed and his excuses the final POW POW!

  5. Have you thought about Dialectical Behavior Therapy? Check it out. There's a growing body of scientific evidence supporting it as the most effective treatment for eating disorders.