Thursday, February 23, 2012


There was actually a few things on mind I wanted to write about but I'm so engrossed in experiencing this feeling I haven't felt in...well, too long.


I've come to the point (and no, I'm not ready to accept I've relapsed!) where keeping any food down is a challenge/rare occasion. After an extremely stressful and behavior-filled day at work, I came home and was just so WEARY of purging. I feel so tired of fighting the desire to eat everything in sight, giving into that desire eventually, and getting rid of it soon after.

There are permanent red dry spots at the corners of my mouth. My mouth is ripped up and sores cover every surface inside of my mouth. I can barely swallow, my throat hurts that bad. I'm always cold. My fingers are always purple. I'm growing a beard of lanugo, a fine white layer of hair, on my face. My skin is blotchy, breaking out and ill looking. My knees give out and I cover it up by acting like I'm a silly clumsy girl. Shaky. Sometimes I feel like I'm floating. Sometimes I feel like there are weights tied to my body. I pass out randomly. Most likely smell of vomit. 
(^glamorous, huh?)

I hope you're catching on to where I'm going with this- EATING DISORDERS SUCK. It would ALMOST be worth it if I felt thin. That was the deal, right? Ed said,"Yeah, you might have some of this not-so-fun stuff, but you'll feel thin so obviously it's worth it!" Ed doesn't keep his word and his trades are bullshit. I never feel thin AND I feel like crap all the time.

Coming back to feeling satisfied- I came home and was like, FUCK YOU ED. FUCK YOU EATING DISORDER. I made a plan for tomorrow. I set up accountability so maybe, just maybe I can have one purge free day which is all I'm asking for at the moment. I ate dinner and albeit, I didn't keep it the first time around. But round two I kept it! I don't know why I didn't keep it the first time considering what I chose to ate was much healthier and balanced. Round two I had two pieces of (weight watchers recipe) banana bread with yogurt butter, an apple, a few veggies, and hot chocolate (ok, yes DIET hot chocolate but I put 1 TB of caramel brûlée cream in it so bonus points for me!).

I feel satisfied and I'm kind of in awe of this feeling. I'm actually excited to fall asleep now feeling satisfied. I won't be waking up in the middle of the night from hunger pains. My body is like, "FINALLY this bitch isn't treating me like shit and actually taking care of me."

Okay, sorry for all the language but when I'm feeling a lot, especially concerning my eating disorder, using dramatic and offensive language seems to come naturally.

Night everyone! I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY!


  1. Hope you have a good night/day, I never feel thin either I'm tired all the time anxious, I want to just tell him to go away. Like you said FUCK YOU ED

  2. Hope everything goes well for you today!
    I am in such a similar place as you seem to be at the moment, it's incredible. And by incredible I mean there's comfort in knowing someone else out there is struggling as well but also has the courage to continue to fight. I have been watching your vlog and reading your blog for a while now and have felt such inspiration from what you're doing.
    I can't even explain how similar our ups and downs through recovery have been. Sometimes I watch or read your updates and think that you've been secretly watching how all my ed behaviours unfold throughout the day.
    I hope you got your good night's sleep, you definitely deserve it.
    Good luck and have the best weekend that you can! Keep on keepin' on everyone.

  3. Hoping it went well. Here is to the courage to keep fighting and to winning the battle! I know what it is like to be where you are. I am struggling too. Good luck. We can do this.