Sorry I haven't really been around lately. It's mostly because I've been feeling down and have been avoiding pretty much everyone. Being unable to sleep hasn't helped things. I ran out of seraqol a week ago and I thought, hey I'll just take ambien since I have some lying around. For some reason, ambien doesn't work for me anymore! I've barely gotten a couple hours a sleep per night since last week, and not even a solid couple hours- half an hour of sleep, two hours awake, fifteen minutes of sleep, an hour awake and so on. I FINALLY got my seraqol refilled yesterday and picked the WRONG night to start taking it again. I had the early shift and was supposed to get up at 4am but I slept through my alarm and my mom woke me up at 5am. I felt groggy all morning. Apparently my body is not liking me for the abrupt halt and reintroduction of my nighttime meds.
I got off work at about 2pm and so I spent my good old time getting ready for an INCED event (the american equivalent of the UK's BEAT program for Eds). The event didn't begin till 6pm so I thought I'd hang out in the coffee shop across the street, which ended up being miserable because I was completely bored, stared at the wall, and eventually binged and attempted to purge a huge ass cinnamon roll. The whole afternoon was a fail.
The INCED event was actually quite nice! It was at this theater called The Magic Lantern, known for showing foreign and indie films. There were for horde'oeuvres and drinks before watching America the Beautiful II: The Thin Commandments. It's a documentary on the whole dieting industry and America's obsession with weight. Afterwards, there was a panel of therapists, doctors, dietitians, a recovered ED girl, and her grandma (caretaker).
I was anxious all day about this event. Actually, it's probably why I binged and purged (FAIL) right before, not that I'm excusing my poor choice. I was going to be around other women, other EATING DISORDERED women, and professionals who deal with eating disorders. I felt intimidated by these other women and their silent opinions of my appearance. Do I look fat? Thin? Are they thinking there's no way I have an eating disorder? To sum up the thoughts running through my head: INSECURITY.
Andi was there which was a comfort, though she worries about me too much. She needs to not worry about me and focus on her own health (yes, Andi it's true!). There was this girl there named Katie who I had seen briefly at group therapy, but we're in different groups. She was sitting all alone in her university sweats and sweatshirt, obviously not dressed for the event and obviously not caring. I ended up sitting by her and we ended up having a nice chat. I wish I would have asked for her number so we could text and hang out sometime, but I suppose I can ask for it at the next group. If she wants to talk to me (see! insecurity again!).
I had a few glasses of wine and, against every fiber in my being and feeling like I was being judged, had a bit to eat, mostly veggies. I wasn't planning to but my stomach was raw and two glasses of wine on a raw semi-empty stomach is definitely not nice. So I thought, fuck you eating disordered people! See, I don't have a problem! I'm completely normal, here to support the cause!
Which leads me to the general feeling I've had the past few days: DENIAL. I'm having a difficult time admitting even to myself that I have a problem, which is so unlike me because I'm usually the first to be honest and say hey, I'm not perfect and I have problems. I think I'm just sick of having this particular problem. I should be "over it" by now, right? I mean, that's what's going through people's heads. I was supposed to snap out of it months ago when I came home "recovered" from treatment. People don't have patience when you don't get better within the time they deem is appropriate for addressing the problem.
Anyone else in a similar place???