Hello Hello, I'm currently at work on my lunch break and blogging in the attempt of saving myself from a binge/purge episode. Nothing like pulling out the distraction skill to curb the desire to numb.
I actually have been doing better the last week behavior-wise, but Sarah told me she doesn't think I'm really doing any better. Thanks for raining on my parade! Sarah also said she doesn't know how to explain it, but I sound different when I talk...more in my eating disorder.
O_o Okay, that got my attention. Because truth is, I do feel different inside. Something made that "switch" again into ED mode. I thought I was hiding it. I've been watching what I say and trying to be louder than the eating disorder voice, or at least keep it quiet until I'm alone with it. It took me by surprise when she noticed and I know she right. The scary thing is I don't know how to make the switch back from Ed mode to Me mode. How did I do it before?
That also lead me think about how I'm really doing. Am I doing as well as I think I am? I am notorious for fooling myself and my treatment team into thinking I'm doing better than I am. I can't outright lie so convincing myself that something is true is essential if I'm going to blindside my team.
So. Where do I go from here? Oh, I have so much more to write about- especially new boundaries with food my mom made with me. But my 30 min lunch is about over so I better wrap up. I would love nothing more than to sit here and blog, sharing my thoughts and feelings with you lovely people and maybe sort out what's going on inside my head.
Love to you all. I read your blogs, even when it seems I'm absent from blog/vlog community.