Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Ed Mode VS. Me Mode

Hello Hello, I'm currently at work on my lunch break and blogging in the attempt of saving myself from a binge/purge episode. Nothing like pulling out the distraction skill to curb the desire to numb.

I actually have been doing better the last week behavior-wise, but Sarah told me she doesn't think I'm really doing any better. Thanks for raining on my parade! Sarah also said she doesn't know how to explain it, but I sound different when I talk...more in my eating disorder.

O_o Okay, that got my attention. Because truth is, I do feel different inside. Something made that "switch" again into ED mode. I thought I was hiding it. I've been watching what I say and trying to be louder than the eating disorder voice, or at least keep it quiet until I'm alone with it. It took me by surprise when she noticed and I know she right. The scary thing is I don't know how to make the switch back from Ed mode to Me mode. How did I do it before?

That also lead me think about how I'm really doing. Am I doing as well as I think I am? I am notorious for fooling myself and my treatment team into thinking I'm doing better than I am. I can't outright lie so convincing myself that something is true is essential if I'm going to blindside my team.

So. Where do I go from here? Oh, I have so much more to write about- especially new boundaries with food my mom made with me. But my 30 min lunch is about over so I better wrap up. I would love nothing more than to sit here and blog, sharing my thoughts and feelings with you lovely people and maybe sort out what's going on inside my head.

Love to you all. I read your blogs, even when it seems I'm absent from blog/vlog community.


  1. Great job on the distraction :) Glad there are good people keeping you accountable. Hang in there xo

  2. I lie to my treatment team too and myself. I dont know either what is ed mode and me mood hang in there keep strong and I will try too.

  3. I know how you feel; those moments when you realize how so deeply entangled your ED is with you, the REAL you, that you're not sure where the ED stops and you start. On the worst days, you're not sure if there's a difference.

    Wish I had some answers to share with you, but I don't. It is good that you are at least distracting yourself when you know you're at risk and staying in check with friends and famiy. Best of wishes <3

  4. In many of your blog entries you do sound very entrenched in your eating disorder. I know you are trying hard by challenging yourself here and there, but like you said, you are are good at tricking yourself into thinking you're okay. Honestly, and I hope this doesn't sound harsh, it is hard to believe that you will be able to pull out of this relapse without a higher level of care. Please consider it. And soon. Please don't let yourself get worse before choosing recovery. I know it's hard to put work and everything on hold, but you will do so much better at your job and get so much more out of it when the eating disorder is not such a big problem. I hope I'm not coming off as rude or lecture-y, but I feel like you are slipping through the cracks right now, and I want to see you do well. I've followed your videos since the start, and I see that you are such an awesome person with an awful illness. I can relate to so much of what you have been through. I thought that going to treatment wouldn't help me anymore than the first round, but it helped SO much once I committed to it.

  5. Hi Rae

    Sending you support, I have been going through my own battle as well and I have been in my eating disorder too and I have had times where I am not in it. I can tell the difference. To me, you are immersed in it right now, I can tell just by reading, I am going for treatment, it is hard as hell, I think you should go too. It isn't easy but you deserve recovery.

  6. Sending support your way. I am glad you are reaching out. Keep doing this. Good job with distractions. Whatever works for you...keep doing. Accountability may be the key right now!

  7. Um binging sucks and I've been doin that ALOT and srry I havnt been posting comments (not that u probably care;) but honestly I think maybe u should go on like a short one week program to help u stay on track cuz I can feel it n ur writing maybe u do need a more intensive out patient care uv some type. But as always STAY STRONG!!